Imminent separation- will I ever feel "normal" again?

[Anonymous]

My ex wife cheated on me and left me with two kids 6 and 8. I lost over 20 lbs. went through a drinking a lot phase later at night alone.

It was so hard and I felt crazy. It took me really two years to notice great improvement. Now over five years later I’m feeling great! So thankful that it worked out this way.

(Sorry also - the positive poster - she should be ignored. Read chumplady.com. Even if he isn’t cheating. Normal good people don’t act like your estranged spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP I am old enough to be your mother and in that capacity I must insist that you at least try to drink some milkshakes or smoothies, high calorie, to keep your strength up and so you can maybe be in a relatively good mood some of the time for your children's sake.

Do that and get back to me on how things are working out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time. I hated hearing that - I didn't want to wait, I wanted the fasttrack secret to feeling better. But truly, time helps immensely. There are a lot of questions you will have, a lot of realizations you will come to, a lot of feelings you will work through... and with each step, you will feel whole again.

+1 It took me a few weeks to get past the non-functional/crying all the time/not eating part. Life got a lot easier once we actually lived in separate homes, and after that it took about 6 months to start feeling better. Stuff that helped:

-reaching out to friends and family and letting them show up for me
-exercise (I would make myself do 10 pushups every time I wanted to send an angry or sad text to my ex)
-therapy
-moderate amounts of wine/weed/dating

Op here, can we be friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am old enough to be your mother and in that capacity I must insist that you at least try to drink some milkshakes or smoothies, high calorie, to keep your strength up and so you can maybe be in a relatively good mood some of the time for your children's sake.

Do that and get back to me on how things are working out.

I'm 48 so probably not But I could use some mothering about now even if you are younger. Thank you. Smoothies are a great idea. Chewing is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am old enough to be your mother and in that capacity I must insist that you at least try to drink some milkshakes or smoothies, high calorie, to keep your strength up and so you can maybe be in a relatively good mood some of the time for your children's sake.

Do that and get back to me on how things are working out.

+1 Find something liquidy and high calorie and just sip on it. Starbucks or McDonalds drive thru, even.

[Anonymous]

Where are you located, OP?

[Anonymous]

I am not very tech-savy and I am not in the DMV area anymore, but it seems like many of us are going through this same very difficult process. Could we form some kind of online support group? Does anyone know how to go about that?

I would love to have other women to talk to and feel supported by those who have already made it through.

The best advice I got from my therapist was to always find ways to stay in the present and to find distractions to all the turmoil going on in my head. She told me that the past would make me sad and the future could make me anxious, but that I could always control the present and find something beautiful or to be grateful for in it. Sometimes it takes tremendous will power, but I have gotten pretty good at it.

And the hardest part has been listening to my ex’s version of our life. His revisionist views have been brutal at times. So very painful and unfair. Also letting go of what I thought my future would be. I had this plan in my head that went puff and I guess the man I loved was also somekind of concoction I created because this guy I am divorcing is most certainly not the man I thought I had married.

Everyone is right, it does get better and you get stronger and happier. Sending you strength, serenity, love and support.
It will get easier. Be kind to yourself and try to eat and sleep.

[Anonymous]

NP here. If the love is really dead, then perhaps another thing to help OP through this is to imagine what would life be like if he stayed -- 5 more years, 10 more years, 15. It becomes a slow, slide into a emotional isolation while living with someone so you don't have the freedom you need to pull together a new life. If you have any feelings still for him, they too will fade inevitably in response to his feeling unfulfilled inside. It is sad when one party looses their love for the other first, but what you are doing is now as a couple is ripping off the band aid. It hurts, but it will pass and ultimately you will have less aggregate pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located, OP?

Bethesda

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. If the love is really dead, then perhaps another thing to help OP through this is to imagine what would life be like if he stayed -- 5 more years, 10 more years, 15. It becomes a slow, slide into a emotional isolation while living with someone so you don't have the freedom you need to pull together a new life. If you have any feelings still for him, they too will fade inevitably in response to his feeling unfulfilled inside. It is sad when one party looses their love for the other first, but what you are doing is now as a couple is ripping off the band aid. It hurts, but it will pass and ultimately you will have less aggregate pain.

Yes, this is it, exactly. Being in the same house together is just brutal, even with limited contact. And funny, I just used the band aid analogy when talking with my mom today...

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP—it will get better. When I went through a really rough patch and couldn't eat, I drank milkshakes made with chocolate Ensure and vanilla ice cream. Mashed potatoes with cheese were a lifesaver too. Think of things you might like that are smooth and high-calorie.

[Anonymous]

I too have been there OP. In some ways the imminent separation time is worse because you can’t do anything but wait and tbink about all the horrible ways your life could change. As hard as it is you need to fight that urge. Put all your energy into your kid. Exercise. Start planing what your future will look like - the good parts. And eat when you can. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not very tech-savy and I am not in the DMV area anymore, but it seems like many of us are going through this same very difficult process. Could we form some kind of online support group? Does anyone know how to go about that?

I would love to have other women to talk to and feel supported by those who have already made it through.

The best advice I got from my therapist was to always find ways to stay in the present and to find distractions to all the turmoil going on in my head. She told me that the past would make me sad and the future could make me anxious, but that I could always control the present and find something beautiful or to be grateful for in it. Sometimes it takes tremendous will power, but I have gotten pretty good at it.

And the hardest part has been listening to my ex’s version of our life. His revisionist views have been brutal at times. So very painful and unfair. Also letting go of what I thought my future would be. I had this plan in my head that went puff and I guess the man I loved was also somekind of concoction I created because this guy I am divorcing is most certainly not the man I thought I had married.

Everyone is right, it does get better and you get stronger and happier. Sending you strength, serenity, love and support.
It will get easier. Be kind to yourself and try to eat and sleep.

This is so, so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too have been there OP. In some ways the imminent separation time is worse because you can’t do anything but wait and tbink about all the horrible ways your life could change. As hard as it is you need to fight that urge. Put all your energy into your kid. Exercise. Start planing what your future will look like - the good parts. And eat when you can. You will get through this.

I actually ate baby food when I was going through something similar. I also made sure to walk very day even if it was just for 5-10 mins.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone, OP (and other responders who have walked this road.)

I'm almost 2 months post-separation and I'm struggling just as much as day 1. I'm functional, making sure I'm OK for my kids, etc. but the "loss of the dream," like someone said, is very real. This is not the life that I had planned. But sometimes, that's the way it goes, and it SUCKS.

No abuse here, but he cheated, plus he pulled the ol' "I don't love you like that anymore" BS. And I know I deserve to be loved, but at the same time, I want to be loved BY HIM.

No advice here, just sympathy.

(Also, I love the 10 pushups if you want to text him idea. I'm going to have some seriously strong shoulders soon!!!)