13 birthday party drama

[Anonymous]

There is a severe over use of the word bully on this thread. Not liking another kid is not bullying. 13 year old girls are allowed to not love everyone.

If I was in your situation I'd scrap the party idea entirely. I'd let my DD pick ONE friend to do something special with to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to your daughter about the dynamic, about how she is participating in hurting and excluding her friend, and about what she thinks is kind to do.

Personally, I would be upset that my kid was participating in this nonsense. If she's friends with the girl, she needs to stand up when others are being unkind to her. It's fine if other kids don't like that kid--everyone isn't friends with everyone--but they ought to be kind, and that includes your daughter. I would not be throwing a party that was a vehicle for exclusion and hurt. She could do something else to celebrate her birthday.

[Anonymous]

I think this needs to be addressed outside of the party framework.

If your dd is a minion, she has the ability to raise doubts and poke at the queen bee mean girls for why they are targeting this other kid. It doesn't have to be super angry or even super bold. It could be as simple as "why are we dissing her for her clothes again?" "she doesn't look that bad" "i don't think that's what she meant" "what did she do to us? I don't think she did anything so I'm not going to make fun of her anymore." It's amazing, the power of one naysayer/doubter/someone to stop the flow of groupthink in bringing one kid down. I have seen my dd do this and she broke up the dynamic. The queen bee left the group for more popular-butt-kissing pastures and all the targeting broke down.

If she's afraid of retaliation, then maybe that's a sign for her to realize maybe those "friends" aren't such good friends after all. Better to learn that sooner than later.

[Anonymous]

I would not throw a party that included the two girls. I cannot put forth the appearance that I find it acceptable which I think inviting them does. So I would either not invite them or scrap the party. I would not even consider an activity separately with those girls. Again, their behavior is not ok and I would not facilitate my daughters relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

No party. Or an outing with mean girls, and a separate outing with bullied girl - but low-key.

[Anonymous]

Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The feelings I'm looking to protect are the targeted girl's. I worry that if she comes, she will be made miserable. I will be hovering and helping, but at the end of the day, it takes only a subtle snub to have a big impact. These are freshly minted teenagers, not mature adults, and feelings are volatile. These two girls have already mused that if she comes, she will be alone, essentially setting the expectation for the entire group on what the "expected" behavior should be.

So if DD is worried about how her friend will feel, I will take that information at face value.

Options I'm looking at:
- not inviting these two girls who are stirring this issue. This is pretty much a nuclear option -- lots of tears and possibly retribution at school.
- sending the invite, but having a conversation with the mom, so that she might be on hand, and looking in the group for a designated "buddy".
- sending the invite, but offering the option of an outing just with DD and the targeted girl, in case she does not feel like braving the crowd
- come to think of it, maybe the party *should* be with the group, and have a separate outing with the two trouble makers -- option 1, less nuclear.
- having a stern conversation with the two kids before the party setting up an "instant end" if anyone is mean.

Any moms of older teens out there? I've never seen something quite like this...

I had something similiar when DD was around 10. Her best friend and another good friend did not care for each other. I was taking DD and 2 friends to a venue...she wanted them both. Luckily, best friend's mom is an awesome parent and I knew BFF would not act a fool and hurt anyone's feelings. ALSO, my DD knows and made it clear to her friends that MY MOM DOES NOT PLAY. You do not get to be mean to people on her watch.
I would tell DD that she needs to invite everyone, but lay the groundworK, "I HAVE THAT MOM, SHE WILL NOT TOLERATE PEOPLE BEING URT - SHE DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE KIDS OUT, INSULT, ETC." NO WAY, NO HOW.
See, I'm that mom that will call out your kid if she/he is under my watch. I did it at sleepover my kid had, somone was being teased. The whole group got a speech.

[Anonymous]

Just because two kids dislike one, that doesn't make them bullies. Maybe the one kid who is disliked is really mean to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to your daughter about the dynamic, about how she is participating in hurting and excluding her friend, and about what she thinks is kind to do.

Personally, I would be upset that my kid was participating in this nonsense. If she's friends with the girl, she needs to stand up when others are being unkind to her. It's fine if other kids don't like that kid--everyone isn't friends with everyone--but they ought to be kind, and that includes your daughter. I would not be throwing a party that was a vehicle for exclusion and hurt. She could do something else to celebrate her birthday.

This -- what I am trying to teach my teen now - what it means and what it looks like to be a real friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

U are better than me -- my kid means it is my phone. I have answered profanity filled text's before. This is Larla's mom, you know better than to talk like that. Do I need to have a conversation with your mom?
You can also screenshot that s*** and send it to the mom: " Hey, Barb, found this on Ella's phone, just wanted you to see and know. I'm talking to Ella about not being mean, etc. I know you taught Larla better, so I figured you would want to know what was going on"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

OP

I am the parent who posted earlier about the 6th grade son who was bullied and who now speaks up.

Good for you on the outside for speaking to the school on behalf of the other girl.

We have done that before when my son noticed bullying of other students that he felt had grown too big to handle, and I will tell you that the school is very quick and receptive when the information is coming from an outside impartial observer than they usually are when it is the parent of the bullied child.

In both cases where we spoke to the school about someone else (along with specific examples) the reaction from the school was immediate. They made instant, same day changes that were an improvement and they were on top of those bullies like glue.

This was contrasted to the reaction we got as parents reporting bullying of our own kid. They responded quickly, but there was more of "let's observed the dynamics" and "how about a friend group" type responses.

If more parents on the outside would step in and say something when they see a group of kids bullying another, I do think that bullying would be less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because two kids dislike one, that doesn't make them bullies. Maybe the one kid who is disliked is really mean to everyone.

Have you even read OPs post?

She is certain it is bullying and has texts/snaps to back this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a severe over use of the word bully on this thread. Not liking another kid is not bullying. 13 year old girls are allowed to not love everyone.

If I was in your situation I'd scrap the party idea entirely. I'd let my DD pick ONE friend to do something special with to celebrate.

+1. My children know they must be polite to anyone they have to interact with regardless of whether or not they like the person, but for voluntary social occasions during their free time they can choose who to invite based on who they enjoy spending time with. I would not get involved in OP's scenario, especially given that it's the kid's birthday party.

If someone was invited and people were unkind, I would put a stop to that, but not being invited to something isn't treating the girl badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

1. You can remove the text function from her phone, shut it off
2. Cancel the party, this sounds like a mess in the making. Do something smaller, family focused this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a severe over use of the word bully on this thread. Not liking another kid is not bullying. 13 year old girls are allowed to not love everyone.

If I was in your situation I'd scrap the party idea entirely. I'd let my DD pick ONE friend to do something special with to celebrate.

+1. My children know they must be polite to anyone they have to interact with regardless of whether or not they like the person, but for voluntary social occasions during their free time they can choose who to invite based on who they enjoy spending time with. I would not get involved in OP's scenario, especially given that it's the kid's birthday party.

If someone was invited and people were unkind, I would put a stop to that, but not being invited to something isn't treating the girl badly.

Reading comprehension. There are lots of signs that this is more than just "not liking" someone.