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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The feelings I'm looking to protect are the targeted girl's. I worry that if she comes, she will be made miserable. I will be hovering and helping, but at the end of the day, it takes only a subtle snub to have a big impact. These are freshly minted teenagers, not mature adults, and feelings are volatile. These two girls have already mused that if she comes, she will be alone, essentially setting the expectation for the entire group on what the "expected" behavior should be.

So if DD is worried about how her friend will feel, I will take that information at face value.

Options I'm looking at:
- not inviting these two girls who are stirring this issue. This is pretty much a nuclear option -- lots of tears and possibly retribution at school.
- sending the invite, but having a conversation with the mom, so that she might be on hand, and looking in the group for a designated "buddy".
- sending the invite, but offering the option of an outing just with DD and the targeted girl, in case she does not feel like braving the crowd
- come to think of it, maybe the party *should* be with the group, and have a separate outing with the two trouble makers -- option 1, less nuclear.
- having a stern conversation with the two kids before the party setting up an "instant end" if anyone is mean.

Any moms of older teens out there? I've never seen something quite like this...
[/quote]
 I had something similiar when DD was around 10. Her best friend and another good friend did not care for each other. I was taking DD and 2 friends to a venue...she wanted them both. Luckily, best friend's mom is an awesome parent and I knew BFF would not act a fool and hurt anyone's feelings. ALSO, my DD knows and made it clear to her friends that MY MOM DOES NOT PLAY. You do not get to be mean to people on her watch. 
I would tell DD that she needs to invite everyone, but lay the groundworK, "I HAVE THAT MOM, SHE WILL NOT TOLERATE PEOPLE BEING URT - SHE DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE KIDS OUT, INSULT, ETC."  NO WAY, NO HOW. 
See, I'm that mom that will call out your kid if she/he is under my watch. I did it at  sleepover my kid had, somone was being teased. The whole group got a speech. [/quote]

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