13 birthday party drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My middle daughter declined to have a birthday party from ages 9 through 12 due to our rule that she couldn't exclude just one or two kids from her very small classes. We informed her that the alternative was no party, and that's what she chose. I think it's important to set boundaries for what sorts of social behavior you are OK with as a parent.

I agree with this and I think another part is, if she does have the one she wanted to exclude she has to be welcoming. If she's going to "include" and ignore, it's no good.

I think the majority of parents have the right idea and care about raising kind humans. I am always surprised at how some of the parents who buy into the cliques have either themselves been excluded or their kid who is now included has been excluded. They somehow feel exempt from teaching their kids to be decent because they or their kid already suffered enough. I have met 2 moms like this. One was actually a good friend at one point, but listening to her talk about all her social engineering to keep her kids in the clique made me distance myself. My kids were much younger so it took a while before I saw this side of her. Sure enough she was the kid excluded a lot growing up and somehow that didn't turn into her being empathetic toward others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My middle daughter declined to have a birthday party from ages 9 through 12 due to our rule that she couldn't exclude just one or two kids from her very small classes. We informed her that the alternative was no party, and that's what she chose. I think it's important to set boundaries for what sorts of social behavior you are OK with as a parent.

I agree with this and I think another part is, if she does have the one she wanted to exclude she has to be welcoming. If she's going to "include" and ignore, it's no good.

I think the majority of parents have the right idea and care about raising kind humans. I am always surprised at how some of the parents who buy into the cliques have either themselves been excluded or their kid who is now included has been excluded. They somehow feel exempt from teaching their kids to be decent because they or their kid already suffered enough. I have met 2 moms like this. One was actually a good friend at one point, but listening to her talk about all her social engineering to keep her kids in the clique made me distance myself. My kids were much younger so it took a while before I saw this side of her. Sure enough she was the kid excluded a lot growing up and somehow that didn't turn into her being empathetic toward others.

Plus if/when you witness someone being mean the party is over and everyone goes home. Over, as in everyone sits quietly and waits for pickup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My middle daughter declined to have a birthday party from ages 9 through 12 due to our rule that she couldn't exclude just one or two kids from her very small classes. We informed her that the alternative was no party, and that's what she chose. I think it's important to set boundaries for what sorts of social behavior you are OK with as a parent.

I agree with this and I think another part is, if she does have the one she wanted to exclude she has to be welcoming. If she's going to "include" and ignore, it's no good.

I think the majority of parents have the right idea and care about raising kind humans. I am always surprised at how some of the parents who buy into the cliques have either themselves been excluded or their kid who is now included has been excluded. They somehow feel exempt from teaching their kids to be decent because they or their kid already suffered enough. I have met 2 moms like this. One was actually a good friend at one point, but listening to her talk about all her social engineering to keep her kids in the clique made me distance myself. My kids were much younger so it took a while before I saw this side of her. Sure enough she was the kid excluded a lot growing up and somehow that didn't turn into her being empathetic toward others.

Plus if/when you witness someone being mean the party is over and everyone goes home. Over, as in everyone sits quietly and waits for pickup.

This is not so easy to do with 13 year olds.
When one of my kids was younger, she refused to have s party when we said a difficult friend had to be included. We invited everyone (small classes) through elementary. By 13/14 when she was clearly being excluded, we relented and said she didn’t have to invite the excluder to her last party at MS. The excluder hounded her in the halls and screamed at her in public. Repeatedly. She had zero sense of having created the situation. DD eventually invited the excluder. All I can say is there’s no relief from middle school except going to HS. How many years does she have left there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I read OP's post and follow-up.

So, several girls do not like Larla, and discuss amongst themselves that they do not wish to spend time around Larla. I personally have no problem with that.

Now, using profanity to talk about Larla and calling her rude things is certainly unkind and tasteless, so I would speak to my DD about the variety of reasons it is best to speak politely about others. Again, though, people's own opinions and what kids talk about between themselves is something I regard as their own business. I would only consider it bullying if the kids were calling Larla such things to her face or in a manner that makes it likely she would become aware of what they are saying -- to me, OP's post wasn't clear on that.

It's one thing to tell a group of people (your friends over a morning coffee, for example) how much of a b*tch someone is being at work and how it is making your life unnecessarily difficult. It would be another thing entirely -- and completely inappropriate -- to call said annoying coworker a b*tch to her face or to circulate an email throughout the entire company in which you call her what you happen to think of her. This seems like an analogous situation.

The kids don't like Larla and don't want to spend time around her. Forcing the DD to invite Larla to the party serves very little purpose and is likely to backfire. We're all a bit biased by our own perspectives and past experiences, and based on mine I want my children to understand that while civility towards anyone who isn't dangerous is required it is also acceptable to decide to limit interactions with other people you don't particularly care for. I can think of no circumstance under which I would force any of my kids to invite another person to an occasion with a primarily social purpose, because it just doesn't seem at all sensible.

Only the two mean girls don't like Larla, and they hound OP's kid and the other kids to be sure they are NOT incuding Larla. Did you read or did you just skim? You missed a log.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My middle daughter declined to have a birthday party from ages 9 through 12 due to our rule that she couldn't exclude just one or two kids from her very small classes. We informed her that the alternative was no party, and that's what she chose. I think it's important to set boundaries for what sorts of social behavior you are OK with as a parent.

I agree with this and I think another part is, if she does have the one she wanted to exclude she has to be welcoming. If she's going to "include" and ignore, it's no good.

I think the majority of parents have the right idea and care about raising kind humans. I am always surprised at how some of the parents who buy into the cliques have either themselves been excluded or their kid who is now included has been excluded. They somehow feel exempt from teaching their kids to be decent because they or their kid already suffered enough. I have met 2 moms like this. One was actually a good friend at one point, but listening to her talk about all her social engineering to keep her kids in the clique made me distance myself. My kids were much younger so it took a while before I saw this side of her. Sure enough she was the kid excluded a lot growing up and somehow that didn't turn into her being empathetic toward others.

Plus if/when you witness someone being mean the party is over and everyone goes home. Over, as in everyone sits quietly and waits for pickup.

This is not so easy to do with 13 year olds.
When one of my kids was younger, she refused to have s party when we said a difficult friend had to be included. We invited everyone (small classes) through elementary. By 13/14 when she was clearly being excluded, we relented and said she didn’t have to invite the excluder to her last party at MS. The excluder hounded her in the halls and screamed at her in public. Repeatedly. She had zero sense of having created the situation. DD eventually invited the excluder. All I can say is there’s no relief from middle school except going to HS. How many years does she have left there?

Yes and the mommies will be livid with you for making them come get their princesses and for accusing their innocent and sweet snowflakes of doing something they would NEVAH do!