13 birthday party drama

[Anonymous]

Sounds like these mean kids are learning from their mean parents. Drop the parents and the kids. Who needs them. Eventually the mean girls will gang up on your DD. Your DD knows this and her current behavior is self protective.

[Anonymous]

This is why I trained my DDs from a young age to view their birthdays as not requiring a huge party. Just invite 2-3 girls to a movie and ice cream, etc. Keep it lowkey. Who needs the drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid the celebration entirely.

I was leaning towards this as well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I think your daughter needs to know that if there is no way to have the party without making her complicit in the bullying, then the party can't happen now. You can find other special things to do to celebrate, but you as a mom should not model an acceptance of bullying by spending money on a day when your daughter is complicit.

Your daughter is complicit, even if she is acting from fear or weakness.

You can always have an "end of school party" if things resolve by then.

This has been my approach - if there is ever a chance you will hurt a friend, you don’t do it. I don’t ever want my kind to knowingly be a mean girl. We rarely had parties for my girls because there was no way to keep the size manageable while not excluding.

She can tell her friends “I have friends from lots of groups and didn’t want to have to exclude anyone or have anyone feel awkward with my other friends so instead of a party I’m taking a special trip with my mom instead.”

[Anonymous]

Like a PP said I would not forbid but I certainly would not support a friendship with the bully girls. That to me seems to be an implicit acceptance of oh girls they just act this way.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to give another perspective. My daughter is going to a birthday party this weekend. Today, the queen B who targets her informed her that "Larla" excluded queen B because Larla's mom made her. She also told my daughter that Larla didn't really want HER at the birthday party, but Larla's mom forced her to invite my daughter. My daughter told me through sobs. It is what it is. The sad thing is we may skip the birthday because Larla was so upset she threw up. (She has a weak stomach so when she gets upset enough it's not a good thing-or she is getting sick).

I tell you this just so you know even when you try to do what you think is right, your child may share info that shouldn't be shared and drama can still ensue.

We don't do birthday parties because I just cannot deal with drama and even when you include everyone there's some jerky kid who wants to rain on some other kids parade.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Avoid having a party at this age. We had a nice party for our daughter at 13. The popular crowd included her until the party was over, then devastated her by letting her know they just wanted an invite. It's drama you don't need.

[Anonymous]

Do not have a situation where the sweet kids gets treated like crap. That is empowering the bullies. I would have a dinner or something and than ice cream and go home. Do NOT have a sleepover. They all have phones now. If you see something, SAY something. Show your DD how to diplomatically shut a bully down. My DD's friend bad mouthed a friend who she adores. I simply stated We like her, she has been so kind to DD. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding between you two or something she is growing out of. I did not shame either child in conversation because they are learning at this stage, all of them. Your DD might bully at some point. It's a growth process. Happy 13th to your DD and you are kind to consider these situations.

[Anonymous]

As a mother of 10 yo and 7 yo DD’s, this sounds miserable. I am terrified of all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to your daughter about the dynamic, about how she is participating in hurting and excluding her friend, and about what she thinks is kind to do.

Personally, I would be upset that my kid was participating in this nonsense. If she's friends with the girl, she needs to stand up when others are being unkind to her. It's fine if other kids don't like that kid--everyone isn't friends with everyone--but they ought to be kind, and that includes your daughter. I would not be throwing a party that was a vehicle for exclusion and hurt. She could do something else to celebrate her birthday.

This -- what I am trying to teach my teen now - what it means and what it looks like to be a real friend.

Yes, this. Does your daughter deserve a party when you know she is complicit in unkindness to another child? I think you’re giving your daughter a huge pass here. Your daughter is a bully too, OP. Just because she’s a follower rather than a ringleader doesn’t make her any better. She is weak and cowardly. You have not parented her properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother of 10 yo and 7 yo DD’s, this sounds miserable. I am terrified of all of this.

No need to worry. You will know when you have these situations usually and in our case that is when we opt out of having a party. In our case it is just about being willing to say to remind our kid of our values and deal with the fall out when we tell her or him we will just do a special family thing instead. If our daughter or son has a meltdown over it we talk it through. Usually they can come to see that they don't want to be jerks and they can they can eventually listen to themselves and hear how obnoxious they sound. They can actually remember what it feels like to be left out and to know you have hurt someone greatly. This is once the meltdown subsides.

We discourage relationships with queen bees and alpha males who act socially aggressively. I don't have them over to my house and to be honest I am not willing to buy them birthday presents and send my kid to their parties. If my kids still choose to associate with these kids at school that's their choice. Childhood is when our kids learn important values and I don't think we should step back completely. If you choose to hang out with brats when you are an adult supporting yourself, it's all you, but we certainly aren't raising a princess or prince. I remember the kids when I was growing up who's parents were wrapped around their fingers. They have grown up tp be losers. You can't put "I was the queen B's favorite sidekick" on your resume. When you get caught by the police smoking pot with the cool kids that record comes up every time a workplace does a criminal record check. Also, what if a targeted kid commits suicide? Your child would have to live for the rest of his life knowing he saw that kid tormented and he did nothing. Yes, that's a drastic example and sometimes kids become depressed and it has nothing to do with peer issues.I want my kids to be the type of kids who care and who look out for others. I want the to want to be part of the SOLUTION not part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps have just her best friend over and the two of them could have a spa day or something. Avoiding drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid the celebration entirely.

+1. If my child acted like the OP's DD, he or she would not be getting a birthday party.

[Anonymous]

There was a poster who recently wanted reassurance that having two sons (and no daughter) would be 'ok'. I can say that I've had lots of parties and sleepovers for mu boys ( now ages 14 & 16) and I have never experienced any drama whatsoever. There have not been any friend problems.
Having said that - my advice is above- perhaps just have the best friend over and do something special. They will have fun together. That's enough.

[Anonymous]

My middle daughter declined to have a birthday party from ages 9 through 12 due to our rule that she couldn't exclude just one or two kids from her very small classes. We informed her that the alternative was no party, and that's what she chose. I think it's important to set boundaries for what sorts of social behavior you are OK with as a parent.