Reply to Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

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Reply to "Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am okay with what my husband has done.  It has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of crying and screaming (me) and pleading (him), but I have forgiven him fully and want to start fresh.

I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife.  According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous.  In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.

Plus, we also have two kids together so I'm trying to be the mature and responsible one here.  We will go to counseling and try to sort it out, but meanwhile, I need to know if his friends will accept me.  I can't ask DH to choose me versus his friends, because he either chooses me (and his friends hate me even more) or he chooses his friends (and I lose him and our kids lose a dad).  I don't see how DH and I will have a good foundation for a relationship as long as all his friends hate me and they are constantly trying to get him "out."  I want his friends to like me, and he [b]is willing to write the letters instead to make this work.  What should he say? We both just want to repair this damage[/b].[/quote]

My personal opinion are that letters are the wrong way to go. Number one, you need to speak to a counselor before either of you takes another step with the friends. When the time comes to approach them, I would be in favor of him inviting everyone over, together, and then in front of you, he admits to what he's been doing and answers any questions they have. He also has to lay out new ground rules, including no bashing you, no trashing his marriage, and you are included in all group events from here on out. Anyone who can't be a friend of the marriage has to go. You should stay as silent as possible and let him take every last ounce of the heat. It is time he stood up for you. You need to see it happen.

If his friends hate you after this, then they need to be let go. Their feelings about that really aren't relevant.[/quote]

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