No card, no flowers, no candy from long distance boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, man. He acknowledged the holiday. But you wanted a traditionally romantic gift. To preserve your sanity you must

a) train him -- i.e. "This year I'd really like flowers, candy, or jewelry on Feb 14."

or

b) select the kind of man who likes to do these things for his partner.

He doesn't care about the card, care box, etc. He takes it for granted, assuming that you like to do those things. Ask him what he wants for holidays. If he is like my DH and many men, the thing he craves is a pass to do zilch.

Thanks, this is a helpful way to frame it. It does bring me joy to create things for other people and I love giving thoughtful gifts - it’s my love language so it bums me out that he hasn’t picked up on this and tried a little bit to reciprocate. It probably made me happier to send the package than he will be to receive it.

He did create something for you and give you a thoughtful gift, though. He didn't link you to someone else's playlist. He made something with you in mind, as instructed, and is now going to have to deal with you being pissy because ... why, exactly? It didn't arrive in the mail? It's not tangible? It won't impress your coworkers?

Gifts are my love language, and my DH isn't great at them (and doesn't care much about my gifts to him, which can also sting). But I am looking and looking here, and I can't find what this guy did wrong. Were you expecting a proposal and anything less is a letdown?

[Anonymous]

Why are you writing him and the day off before 2 pm? At least let him fail before you’ve resigned yourself to trashing him.

[Anonymous]

I think a Spotify playlist is really sweet actually. And I'm almost 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, man. He acknowledged the holiday. But you wanted a traditionally romantic gift. To preserve your sanity you must

a) train him -- i.e. "This year I'd really like flowers, candy, or jewelry on Feb 14."

or

b) select the kind of man who likes to do these things for his partner.

He doesn't care about the card, care box, etc. He takes it for granted, assuming that you like to do those things. Ask him what he wants for holidays. If he is like my DH and many men, the thing he craves is a pass to do zilch.

Thanks, this is a helpful way to frame it. It does bring me joy to create things for other people and I love giving thoughtful gifts - it’s my love language so it bums me out that he hasn’t picked up on this and tried a little bit to reciprocate. It probably made me happier to send the package than he will be to receive it.

He did create something for you and give you a thoughtful gift, though. He didn't link you to someone else's playlist. He made something with you in mind, as instructed, and is now going to have to deal with you being pissy because ... why, exactly? It didn't arrive in the mail? It's not tangible? It won't impress your coworkers?

Gifts are my love language, and my DH isn't great at them (and doesn't care much about my gifts to him, which can also sting). But I am looking and looking here, and I can't find what this guy did wrong. Were you expecting a proposal and anything less is a letdown?

Oh calm down. I’m not pissy, I’m disappointed and venting on an anonymous message board. I work from home so no coworkers to impress. I don’t have Instagram or post on Facebook. However I am thinking about this in a different way now which is making me appreciate the playlist more.

[Anonymous]

Ah, darling. I have so been there. Baking cookies and treats, writing cards and buying tangible gifts for family and friends. My DH speaks 5 languages, but unfortunately my love language is not one of them. I took that personally for years. It's probably better to just get someone who can fulfill your needs better from the get-go.

[Anonymous]

I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

[Anonymous]

He knows what you wanted. He did this to send a message. Read the message and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He knows what you wanted. He did this to send a message. Read the message and proceed accordingly.

Next step will be a CZ or Moissanite engagement ring.

[Anonymous]

In fact, years ago my DH gave me an iPod gift card. I acted happy but was secretly livid, so much so that I went to see a therapist about it. She wondered what was wrong with his gift and what kind of gift could satisfy me. In my 30s I wanted him to give me costly things so that I could feel valued.

[Anonymous]

Fast forward a decade. DH, having finally learned surprised me with a luxury bag bought on a business trip. I acted happy but was secretly livid. Would literally cry when I walked in the room where it lay still in the box. How could he make such a huge style-defining decision for me? I wanted French, not Italian design, avant garde, not avant granny. He spent less than half what I would have spent if I had been able to choose for myself. He learned but I guess it took me longer. Now I wear the bag every time we go out in the evening. Sighhhh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

So funny because I want flowers because he’d have to order them the day before! Not a playlist he made this morning! But yes, long-distance is very very hard for us and things do feel shaky as we try to hold on for several more months until we can close the distance, so I’m sure that’s a big part of my negative feelings. I guess that should have been obvious to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fast forward a decade. DH, having finally learned surprised me with a luxury bag bought on a business trip. I acted happy but was secretly livid. Would literally cry when I walked in the room where it lay still in the box. How could he make such a huge style-defining decision for me? I wanted French, not Italian design, avant garde, not avant granny. He spent less than half what I would have spent if I had been able to choose for myself. He learned but I guess it took me longer. Now I wear the bag every time we go out in the evening. Sighhhh

Surely you jest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

So funny because I want flowers because he’d have to order them the day before! Not a playlist he made this morning! But yes, long-distance is very very hard for us and things do feel shaky as we try to hold on for several more months until we can close the distance, so I’m sure that’s a big part of my negative feelings. I guess that should have been obvious to me.

I am the PP - and hugs. Long distance is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fast forward a decade. DH, having finally learned surprised me with a luxury bag bought on a business trip. I acted happy but was secretly livid. Would literally cry when I walked in the room where it lay still in the box. How could he make such a huge style-defining decision for me? I wanted French, not Italian design, avant garde, not avant granny. He spent less than half what I would have spent if I had been able to choose for myself. He learned but I guess it took me longer. Now I wear the bag every time we go out in the evening. Sighhhh

Surely you jest.

Not even jesting. Thanks for this. My mother used to say "Surely you jest" all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, man. He acknowledged the holiday. But you wanted a traditionally romantic gift. To preserve your sanity you must

a) train him -- i.e. "This year I'd really like flowers, candy, or jewelry on Feb 14."

or

b) select the kind of man who likes to do these things for his partner.

He doesn't care about the card, care box, etc. He takes it for granted, assuming that you like to do those things. Ask him what he wants for holidays. If he is like my DH and many men, the thing he craves is a pass to do zilch.

Thanks, this is a helpful way to frame it. It does bring me joy to create things for other people and I love giving thoughtful gifts - it’s my love language so it bums me out that he hasn’t picked up on this and tried a little bit to reciprocate. It probably made me happier to send the package than he will be to receive it.

But it's clearly not his. It's a two way street...