No card, no flowers, no candy from long distance boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fast forward a decade. DH, having finally learned surprised me with a luxury bag bought on a business trip. I acted happy but was secretly livid. Would literally cry when I walked in the room where it lay still in the box. How could he make such a huge style-defining decision for me? I wanted French, not Italian design, avant garde, not avant granny. He spent less than half what I would have spent if I had been able to choose for myself. He learned but I guess it took me longer. Now I wear the bag every time we go out in the evening. Sighhhh

Surely you jest.

Not even jesting. Thanks for this. My mother used to say "Surely you jest" all the time.

And don’t call me Shirley!

[Anonymous]

So true. One year surprised DH with a very nice jacket. His face fell. He said he wanted to have friends over. The next year I threw him a party. Had to understand that he likes people, not things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

So funny because I want flowers because he’d have to order them the day before! Not a playlist he made this morning! But yes, long-distance is very very hard for us and things do feel shaky as we try to hold on for several more months until we can close the distance, so I’m sure that’s a big part of my negative feelings. I guess that should have been obvious to me.

Did he say he made it this morning? I am with other PPs that think you're being weirdly negative about the spotify list. My dad is HUGELY into music and really associates emotions with specific songs. One of the most significant gestures of love he gave me over the years were CD's he made me with songs that he thought I would love or that he thought represented our relationship or made him think of me. It was a genuine emotion laden thing that he spent a lot of time on.

The first christmas I was with my DH he got me a charging cable for my laptop (and a few other things). It was like a hundred dollar cord and I was so upset because it was such a clinical gift. But now that I know him I know that he looked at my life, looked at things that were making it more difficult (which in this case was my dog chewing my old laptop cord and so it wasn't charging well and had to be like, duct taped into place), and chose something to make my life better.

He is still like this, for christmas this year he gave me an extra charging block for my phone (weird coincidental synchronicity, he doesn't always get me chargers haha). My DH rarely knocks gifts out of the park, but when I think about his gifts, it isn't because he didn't put thought into it. And that is what you need to think about, even if something isn't exactly what you wanted, if your boyfriend put a lot of thought and effort into it, that is what is important. You can always buy yourself what you want, you can't buy someone who cares about you and who tries their best.

[Anonymous]

Remember that song? Sometimes your best isn't good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a spotify playlist is actually really nice, and very clearly acknowledges the holiday.

Strange to me that you think the playlist juvenile but your arts and crafts project is sophisticated?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

So funny because I want flowers because he’d have to order them the day before! Not a playlist he made this morning! But yes, long-distance is very very hard for us and things do feel shaky as we try to hold on for several more months until we can close the distance, so I’m sure that’s a big part of my negative feelings. I guess that should have been obvious to me.

Did he say he made it this morning? I am with other PPs that think you're being weirdly negative about the spotify list. My dad is HUGELY into music and really associates emotions with specific songs. One of the most significant gestures of love he gave me over the years were CD's he made me with songs that he thought I would love or that he thought represented our relationship or made him think of me. It was a genuine emotion laden thing that he spent a lot of time on.

The first christmas I was with my DH he got me a charging cable for my laptop (and a few other things). It was like a hundred dollar cord and I was so upset because it was such a clinical gift. But now that I know him I know that he looked at my life, looked at things that were making it more difficult (which in this case was my dog chewing my old laptop cord and so it wasn't charging well and had to be like, duct taped into place), and chose something to make my life better.

He is still like this, for christmas this year he gave me an extra charging block for my phone (weird coincidental synchronicity, he doesn't always get me chargers haha). My DH rarely knocks gifts out of the park, but when I think about his gifts, it isn't because he didn't put thought into it. And that is what you need to think about, even if something isn't exactly what you wanted, if your boyfriend put a lot of thought and effort into it, that is what is important. You can always buy yourself what you want, you can't buy someone who cares about you and who tries their best.

I do know he made it this morning because Spotify puts the date created on the playlist. So he made it at work this morning. That’s the thing, it doesn’t feel like an ultra curated thoughtful thing, but an oh crap last minute effort with kind of a romantic facade. Which I could be or likely am projecting onto it. But the bolded is completely true and I need to keep that perspective.

[Anonymous]

A playlist is good enough for the Obama's! http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/373818-michelle-obama-dedicates-valentines-day-playlist-to-barack

[Anonymous]

Um, no. A Spotify playlist like the one you are describing is a lazy gift, which is counter to your gift ethos. That problem will remain. Nothing in the world wrong with a playlist except for the fact that you, the receiver, don't prefer them. A song or playlist sent on a normal day would be meaningful but I'd actually rather get nothing than one on V-Day. He is setting the bar low, adjusting your expectations downward to what he is willing to do. That is why this whole thing bothers you so much. I had an artist lover make a metal ring for me once. Some women would hate that; I loved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, man. He acknowledged the holiday. But you wanted a traditionally romantic gift. To preserve your sanity you must

a) train him -- i.e. "This year I'd really like flowers, candy, or jewelry on Feb 14."

or

b) select the kind of man who likes to do these things for his partner.

He doesn't care about the card, care box, etc. He takes it for granted, assuming that you like to do those things. Ask him what he wants for holidays. If he is like my DH and many men, the thing he craves is a pass to do zilch.

Thanks, this is a helpful way to frame it. It does bring me joy to create things for other people and I love giving thoughtful gifts - it’s my love language so it bums me out that he hasn’t picked up on this and tried a little bit to reciprocate. It probably made me happier to send the package than he will be to receive it.

If either one of you have acts of service as the primary love language, and the other's is words or presents, you guys are NOT the best for each other. Find someone who understands and can reciprocate your love language. It really comes up often as an issue if one ends up married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

So funny because I want flowers because he’d have to order them the day before! Not a playlist he made this morning! But yes, long-distance is very very hard for us and things do feel shaky as we try to hold on for several more months until we can close the distance, so I’m sure that’s a big part of my negative feelings. I guess that should have been obvious to me.

Did he say he made it this morning? I am with other PPs that think you're being weirdly negative about the spotify list. My dad is HUGELY into music and really associates emotions with specific songs. One of the most significant gestures of love he gave me over the years were CD's he made me with songs that he thought I would love or that he thought represented our relationship or made him think of me. It was a genuine emotion laden thing that he spent a lot of time on.

The first christmas I was with my DH he got me a charging cable for my laptop (and a few other things). It was like a hundred dollar cord and I was so upset because it was such a clinical gift. But now that I know him I know that he looked at my life, looked at things that were making it more difficult (which in this case was my dog chewing my old laptop cord and so it wasn't charging well and had to be like, duct taped into place), and chose something to make my life better.

He is still like this, for christmas this year he gave me an extra charging block for my phone (weird coincidental synchronicity, he doesn't always get me chargers haha). My DH rarely knocks gifts out of the park, but when I think about his gifts, it isn't because he didn't put thought into it. And that is what you need to think about, even if something isn't exactly what you wanted, if your boyfriend put a lot of thought and effort into it, that is what is important. You can always buy yourself what you want, you can't buy someone who cares about you and who tries their best.

LMAO because he reminds me of my DH who gave me a step ladder as a gift for some occasion. I appreciated that he remembered me complaining about reaching high up in the closet, but back then, I thought, Really? A ladder as a gift????? He is still mostly practical in his gift giving. Or off. Like getting a grown 30 old woman a Build A Bear. Am I a kindergartener??? I was so baffled. Didn't he notice all the customers at that store were little kids? Anyway, we're happily married for 8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I do know he made it this morning because Spotify puts the date created on the playlist. So he made it at work this morning. That’s the thing, it doesn’t feel like an ultra curated thoughtful thing, but an oh crap last minute effort with kind of a romantic facade. Which I could be or likely am projecting onto it. But the bolded is completely true and I need to keep that perspective.

so do you know how much time he spent picking the songs, which includes listening to maybe 2 x as many songs on the actual playlist? In reality, he most likely spent more time in finding the songs than you spent maknig his card. the fact he pulled it together this morning means nothing in terms of the thought, time and effort he probably put into it.

JFC, men just cannot win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I do know he made it this morning because Spotify puts the date created on the playlist. So he made it at work this morning. That’s the thing, it doesn’t feel like an ultra curated thoughtful thing, but an oh crap last minute effort with kind of a romantic facade. Which I could be or likely am projecting onto it. But the bolded is completely true and I need to keep that perspective.

so do you know how much time he spent picking the songs, which includes listening to maybe 2 x as many songs on the actual playlist? In reality, he most likely spent more time in finding the songs than you spent maknig his card. the fact he pulled it together this morning means nothing in terms of the thought, time and effort he probably put into it.

JFC, men just cannot win.

I’m laughing because you’re giving him way too much credit. I love the guy, but I know he didn’t spend a ton of time on this, he didnt listen to every song before putting it on on the playlist (obviously at some point he’s listened to all the songs), much less listening to two times as many songs. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the above poster is right that either you need to explain in clear terms exactly what you want, or else you need to find a partner who already does this stuff.

Or, two more alternatives:

- You learn to accept that this is how he is. Great in general, not very romantic on holidays.

Another alternative is that maybe him not really doing it up for VD speaks to other problems you're having in the relationship? Do you feel in general that you are investing more in this than he is - or do you overall feel happy?

I remember the summer I was studying for the bar, my then-BF who I'd been long distance with for a long time, sent me flowers for my birthday. And I was devastated. I was under so much stress that summer, and I just wanted a nice present from him - not flowers he could order the day before. But that's because I knew that he and I were in a doomed relationship and I needed this token from him to prove that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to my now-husband, who is terrible at presents. (My birthday is in July; it's Feb and he hasn't gotten me a present.) But he and I are super super solid, and I never ever doubt that he is really in this thing. So even if I might get irritated every now and then by how the presents go, it isn't devastating.

Anyway, sorry your BF didn't meet your expectations today. I hope things turn up!

So funny because I want flowers because he’d have to order them the day before! Not a playlist he made this morning! But yes, long-distance is very very hard for us and things do feel shaky as we try to hold on for several more months until we can close the distance, so I’m sure that’s a big part of my negative feelings. I guess that should have been obvious to me.

Did he say he made it this morning? I am with other PPs that think you're being weirdly negative about the spotify list. My dad is HUGELY into music and really associates emotions with specific songs. One of the most significant gestures of love he gave me over the years were CD's he made me with songs that he thought I would love or that he thought represented our relationship or made him think of me. It was a genuine emotion laden thing that he spent a lot of time on.

The first christmas I was with my DH he got me a charging cable for my laptop (and a few other things). It was like a hundred dollar cord and I was so upset because it was such a clinical gift. But now that I know him I know that he looked at my life, looked at things that were making it more difficult (which in this case was my dog chewing my old laptop cord and so it wasn't charging well and had to be like, duct taped into place), and chose something to make my life better.

He is still like this, for christmas this year he gave me an extra charging block for my phone (weird coincidental synchronicity, he doesn't always get me chargers haha). My DH rarely knocks gifts out of the park, but when I think about his gifts, it isn't because he didn't put thought into it. And that is what you need to think about, even if something isn't exactly what you wanted, if your boyfriend put a lot of thought and effort into it, that is what is important. You can always buy yourself what you want, you can't buy someone who cares about you and who tries their best.

I do know he made it this morning because Spotify puts the date created on the playlist. So he made it at work this morning. That’s the thing, it doesn’t feel like an ultra curated thoughtful thing, but an oh crap last minute effort with kind of a romantic facade. Which I could be or likely am projecting onto it. But the bolded is completely true and I need to keep that perspective.

I am not super familiar with spotify but just because he 'created' or finalized something on spotify this morning doesn't mean he did the whole thing this morning. He could have been making a list of curating for the past week and then just got on there this morning and threw the list together. You really don't know how much thought went into this, and while sure it could be last minute, it could ALSO be really thought out.

[Anonymous]

Gave flowers, candy, but was called out for no card. OK, makes me a bad person, and I didn't really expect anything in return, though I helped to the tune of $13K for repairs and dental work. I guess I should have remembered the card.

[Anonymous]

I think a playlist is about as romantic as it gets but then i'm a bit obsessive about music and always have been...

OP, do you love him? if so.... you will appreciate that he took the time to put together the playlist. If you don't, you will always look for reasons that his gift isn't good enough... He can't read your mind.