POC and resenting mixed-race relationships

[Anonymous]

My son is married to a woman whose mother is black and her father is Indian. They haven't experienced anything negative since their marriage, They live in Oklahoma. She also has a neurological disorder that affects the muscles on one side of her face, causing it to droop and causing difficulties with her speech. No one makes fun of her. She's truly a beautiful person, inside and out, and I am so blessed to be able to call her my daughter! My son is very protective over her, even to the point that he put a security system in their home although they live a block from the PD and her stepdad is a law enforcement officer there. The love between them is beautiful to see! I told him that I believe that she was the reason that he moved to Oklahoma. They would never have met otherwise, and I couldn't imagine life without her!

[Anonymous]

The only explicit resentful person I have ever come across was an Asian teen boy who complained about why Asian girls were dating white boys. I assumed there was an Asian girl he liked, and she went for a white boy over him.

I overheard a white woman call an Asian woman with a white man "mail order" bride. I heard the Asian woman speaking to her s/o and she sounded pretty "American" to me. I assume that white lady was ignorant or just jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that when a brown girl marries a white guy, other brown people get offended?

Why is it that when a black man marries a white girl, other black people are angry?

What is it about marrying white that offends other POC?

So I am black woman married to a white man and I was shocked by how nasty some black men were about that. I went to a predominately white high school and ALL of the few black boys that also attended my school openly said they only dated white girls. (Although to be fair one of them is married to a very beautiful, very accomplished black woman...not sure what she sees in him). I think black women frequently get upset because some black men will really openly say that they think that white women are superior for whatever stereotyped reason. I personally think that everyone should just marry whoever they want but you must have some self-hatred reasons if you dislike all women or men that are the same race that you are.

Also, although I am not South Asian, I think it is a little weird and problematic that every show or movie that is successful lately has an South Asian person in a relationship with a white person. Examples being both seasons of Master of None, the Big Sick, and every love interest on the Mindy Project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that when a brown girl marries a white guy, other brown people get offended?

Why is it that when a black man marries a white girl, other black people are angry?

What is it about marrying white that offends other POC?

Are you the same Indian who constantly post dumb stuff? It must be exhausting being you. Get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a POC (and thus will defer to POC on this if they disagree with me), but here's what I've gleaned from reading/listening/learning.

One issue is the legacy of racism and what it means to succeed, in that for a long time so much of success for a POC is the extent to which they are accepted by and integrated into white society. In the eyes of some POC, a POC (especially an affluent/successful POC) marrying a white person can be seen as perpetuating this notion that the goal of POC is to integrate into white society (via marriage) rather than succeed in their own skin.

Another issue is what it does to communities, which still tend to be highly segregated by race. When a POC marries a white person, if they are successful/affluent enough to do so, they tend to move to a whiter/more affluent community rather than staying in a less affluent community with a higher concentration of POC (this happens with POC couples as well, but at a lesser rate than white/POC couples). One effect of this is to remove from the community exactly the kind of people who would be in the best position to invest (not just financially but also with time/effort) in the community and help improve it. Another is that the kinds of people you'd like to have in your community as role models for kids tend not to stick around, and it's a lot harder for young kids trying to find their way out of a cycle of poverty to find an example they know personally of someone who looks like them who has been successful, who's broken the cycle, and who might be able to guide them a bit as they grow up.

Also, the rates of mixed-race marriages tends not to be balanced across the genders. Black men are more likely to marry white women than black women are to marry white men; it's the reverse for hispanic and asian communities. Whatever the reason for that (and there are plenty of factors we could discuss) the end result is that, for instance, black women tend to have a harder time finding a husband/long-term partner, especially one who will contribute positively to a family (both financially and emotionally), when a disproportionate number of black men (especially black men who are more likely to be financially stable and involved partners/parents) are marrying white women, and there's not a commensurate group of white men who would provide the same looking to marry black women.

Black woman here. This an excellent analysis of things from the POC side. I would add that an explanation a black male friend of mine gave me for why black men are hostile to white men dating black women: A lot of BM feel that the love and support of BW is one of the few things they can rely on and take for granted. BW are usually hostile to dating WM as a matter of strongly-held racial loyalty to BM and a lot of BM like it that way. A lot of BM also feel threatened by WM, whom BM perceive as already having “everything.” So, seeing a BW with a WM actives a lot of envy, resentment, and fear on the part of BM. If BM have to compete with WM for BM, they do not feel they will succeed in that struggle.

[Anonymous]

It is sick a sticky ball of wax to unravel and the answer depends on who are you talking to. I am a black woman, married to a black man. My BIL is engaged to a white woman. I am happy for my BIL because he found love, but I am completely honest about the fact that I wish he had found it with a black woman.

Educated black women have a really hard time finding males of any color to settle down with and when even our won don't choose us, it stings. Black women are often considered the least beautiful by men of all races. The standard of beauty in this country does not place us at the top of the heap. In particular black women with darker skin and kinky hair.

Do I resent the white women "taking" black men? It isn't a clear yes or no. It is less about resenting the white woman and more about my heart breaking for all the black women I know who are single and cannot find a partner of any race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that when a brown girl marries a white guy, other brown people get offended?

Why is it that when a black man marries a white girl, other black people are angry?

What is it about marrying white that offends other POC?

So I am black woman married to a white man and I was shocked by how nasty some black men were about that. I went to a predominately white high school and ALL of the few black boys that also attended my school openly said they only dated white girls. (Although to be fair one of them is married to a very beautiful, very accomplished black woman...not sure what she sees in him). I think black women frequently get upset because some black men will really openly say that they think that white women are superior for whatever stereotyped reason. I personally think that everyone should just marry whoever they want but you must have some self-hatred reasons if you dislike all women or men that are the same race that you are.

Also, although I am not South Asian, I think it is a little weird and problematic that every show or movie that is successful lately has an South Asian person in a relationship with a white person. Examples being both seasons of Master of None, the Big Sick, and every love interest on the Mindy Project.

Agree with the bolded. I'm white, married to a black man. I dated men of all races when I was single, and met two different black men who proudly announced they only dated white women because black women are all [stupid stereotypes here], ON OUR FIRST DATE. I think they meant it to be a compliment to me (or some kind of coded reassurance? unclear) but both were pretty surprised when I walked out on the date. No one should be constrained in who they can date based on race, but if you have a blanket ban on a certain race (I don't care which one, it doesn't have to be a self-hatred issue) then I assume you're not someone my values line up with very well.

As for the South Asian/white thing -- I felt bad for Kumail Nanjiani because his movie was autobiographical and he got so much flack for reinforcing the stereotype that was started with Mindy & Master of None. But I do understand why people are upset with the trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is married to a woman whose mother is black and her father is Indian. They haven't experienced anything negative since their marriage, They live in Oklahoma. She also has a neurological disorder that affects the muscles on one side of her face, causing it to droop and causing difficulties with her speech. No one makes fun of her. She's truly a beautiful person, inside and out, and I am so blessed to be able to call her my daughter! My son is very protective over her, even to the point that he put a security system in their home although they live a block from the PD and her stepdad is a law enforcement officer there. The love between them is beautiful to see! I told him that I believe that she was the reason that he moved to Oklahoma. They would never have met otherwise, and I couldn't imagine life without her!

And how lucky for her to have you as a MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a POC (and thus will defer to POC on this if they disagree with me), but here's what I've gleaned from reading/listening/learning.

One issue is the legacy of racism and what it means to succeed, in that for a long time so much of success for a POC is the extent to which they are accepted by and integrated into white society. In the eyes of some POC, a POC (especially an affluent/successful POC) marrying a white person can be seen as perpetuating this notion that the goal of POC is to integrate into white society (via marriage) rather than succeed in their own skin.

Another issue is what it does to communities, which still tend to be highly segregated by race. When a POC marries a white person, if they are successful/affluent enough to do so, they tend to move to a whiter/more affluent community rather than staying in a less affluent community with a higher concentration of POC (this happens with POC couples as well, but at a lesser rate than white/POC couples). One effect of this is to remove from the community exactly the kind of people who would be in the best position to invest (not just financially but also with time/effort) in the community and help improve it. Another is that the kinds of people you'd like to have in your community as role models for kids tend not to stick around, and it's a lot harder for young kids trying to find their way out of a cycle of poverty to find an example they know personally of someone who looks like them who has been successful, who's broken the cycle, and who might be able to guide them a bit as they grow up.

Also, the rates of mixed-race marriages tends not to be balanced across the genders. Black men are more likely to marry white women than black women are to marry white men; it's the reverse for hispanic and asian communities. Whatever the reason for that (and there are plenty of factors we could discuss) the end result is that, for instance, black women tend to have a harder time finding a husband/long-term partner, especially one who will contribute positively to a family (both financially and emotionally), when a disproportionate number of black men (especially black men who are more likely to be financially stable and involved partners/parents) are marrying white women, and there's not a commensurate group of white men who would provide the same looking to marry black women.

Black woman here. This an excellent analysis of things from the POC side. I would add that an explanation a black male friend of mine gave me for why black men are hostile to white men dating black women: A lot of BM feel that the love and support of BW is one of the few things they can rely on and take for granted. BW are usually hostile to dating WM as a matter of strongly-held racial loyalty to BM and a lot of BM like it that way. A lot of BM also feel threatened by WM, whom BM perceive as already having “everything.” So, seeing a BW with a WM actives a lot of envy, resentment, and fear on the part of BM. If BM have to compete with WM for BM, they do not feel they will succeed in that struggle.

This is so true. BM would rather see another BW single and unmarried than with a WM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Agree with the bolded. I'm white, married to a black man. I dated men of all races when I was single, and met two different black men who proudly announced they only dated white women because black women are all [stupid stereotypes here], ON OUR FIRST DATE. I think they meant it to be a compliment to me (or some kind of coded reassurance? unclear) but both were pretty surprised when I walked out on the date. No one should be constrained in who they can date based on race, but if you have a blanket ban on a certain race (I don't care which one, it doesn't have to be a self-hatred issue) then I assume you're not someone my values line up with very well.

As for the South Asian/white thing -- I felt bad for Kumail Nanjiani because his movie was autobiographical and he got so much flack for reinforcing the stereotype that was started with Mindy & Master of None. But I do understand why people are upset with the trend.

I am a black woman married to white man and I am so with you! When I was single, I had white men announce they do not date white women and even go on diatribes about how repulsive white women are. It always alarmed me and gave me gooseflesh. I do not want to deal with anyone who is hostile to entire groups of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that when a brown girl marries a white guy, other brown people get offended?

Why is it that when a black man marries a white girl, other black people are angry?

What is it about marrying white that offends other POC?

I think you tell on yourself when refer to something as "mixed race." That is not the term of art anymore

Interesting question - I am bi-racial and my father's White family disowned him when he married my mom and has not spoken to me since I was a child. Meanwhile, he was accepted into my mother's family with little fanfare. I am married to a Black man and our 25YO DD is dating a White guy. DH has been nothing but gracious to the young man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is sick a sticky ball of wax to unravel and the answer depends on who are you talking to. I am a black woman, married to a black man. My BIL is engaged to a white woman. I am happy for my BIL because he found love, but I am completely honest about the fact that I wish he had found it with a black woman.

Educated black women have a really hard time finding males of any color to settle down with and when even our won don't choose us, it stings. Black women are often considered the least beautiful by men of all races. The standard of beauty in this country does not place us at the top of the heap. In particular black women with darker skin and kinky hair.

Do I resent the white women "taking" black men? It isn't a clear yes or no. It is less about resenting the white woman and more about my heart breaking for all the black women I know who are single and cannot find a partner of any race.

Is is important that BW teach our girls that any man can and will love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is sick a sticky ball of wax to unravel and the answer depends on who are you talking to. I am a black woman, married to a black man. My BIL is engaged to a white woman. I am happy for my BIL because he found love, but I am completely honest about the fact that I wish he had found it with a black woman.

Educated black women have a really hard time finding males of any color to settle down with and when even our won don't choose us, it stings. Black women are often considered the least beautiful by men of all races. The standard of beauty in this country does not place us at the top of the heap. In particular black women with darker skin and kinky hair.

Do I resent the white women "taking" black men? It isn't a clear yes or no. It is less about resenting the white woman and more about my heart breaking for all the black women I know who are single and cannot find a partner of any race.

Is is important that BW teach our girls that any man can and will love you.

Black women already know that. What black women need to learn is that we can love any race of man. So many of us have had it drilled into our heads by wary black mothers and territorial black men that to love a non-black man makes a black woman the worst kind of race traitor, while black men can chase non-black women to “get back” at the world that emasculates black men. It is time for black women to move beyond racist indoctrination and stop acting as if non-black, esp white, men are less than human.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in California and every girl I was Latina, I suppose because most girls in the neighborhood and school were Latina. It was never an issue, I never even thought about it at all. Later I had moved east a and happen to meet and date a Colombian girl. It was strange to when anyone mentioned "interracial" it had never had occurred to me. it is so common in CA or NV, AZ no one even thought about it I guess 20 something years ago it wasn't as common here. I just thought of her as her. The only static or grief, sideways looks or comment was always from white women.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of really excellent, thoughtful comments on this thread.