Jealous of DH's Career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

Money is not our issue, time and location is. No amount of scaling back our lifestyle short of major, potentially unrecoverable changes to DH's career can make the types of risks DH got to take early in our career possibly for me at this point.

I was hoping to hear some perspectives from other ambitious women who had to become the trailing spouse because their husbands' careers took off. If you were never interested in being the breadwinner or if you wanted a more traditional marriage from the outset or if neither of you has a "big job" - I don't think you can relate.

- OP

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

Thanks for this perspective. I agree that it's the "what could've been" that really grinds on me, even though I am so thankful for how wonderful our lives are, objectively. - OP

[Anonymous]

There was a period when my career slowed, due to maternity leaves and the travel limitations immediately before and afterward. Kids are now 5+ years old and I've caught up to or surpassed all my peers again. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim (not possible because he's white male and you aren't? Really?). Just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

Thanks for this perspective. I agree that it's the "what could've been" that really grinds on me, even though I am so thankful for how wonderful our lives are, objectively. - OP

PP here - it ate at me too but when I looked at my life holistically I realized that what "I could have been" paled in comparison to "what we had". Be thankful you have a wonderful life because few really do. Your last job title will not be what's on your tombstone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

I know how you feel, OP! I think it's time to set aside efficiency and cost-benefit (I'm 100% that type of person, too) and start assigning more value to your own desires for your career. Just because a job isn't bringing in the same amount of money doesn't mean it should be a smaller number in that equation (assuming finances aren't an issue here). Personal satisfaction should have a bigger multiplier.

Now that you've identified the problem, start taking steps to improve things. Look for a job that excites you, even if it is risky, and go for it. Hubs can sit at his current position for a few years while you settle yourself some place new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

When you have to relocate for a job, and the spouse has to settle for what is available in the new location, then yes - The success of one spouse can impede the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

Money is not our issue, time and location is. No amount of scaling back our lifestyle short of major, potentially unrecoverable changes to DH's career can make the types of risks DH got to take early in our career possibly for me at this point.

I was hoping to hear some perspectives from other ambitious women who had to become the trailing spouse because their husbands' careers took off. If you were never interested in being the breadwinner or if you wanted a more traditional marriage from the outset or if neither of you has a "big job" - I don't think you can relate.

- OP

Well I just kept trucking along and DH either had to join or back down. Much like you did with your DH. Judging by your attitude though it sounds like he was always the more ambitious one anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

Money is not our issue, time and location is. No amount of scaling back our lifestyle short of major, potentially unrecoverable changes to DH's career can make the types of risks DH got to take early in our career possibly for me at this point.

I was hoping to hear some perspectives from other ambitious women who had to become the trailing spouse because their husbands' careers took off. If you were never interested in being the breadwinner or if you wanted a more traditional marriage from the outset or if neither of you has a "big job" - I don't think you can relate.

- OP

Well I just kept trucking along and DH either had to join or back down. Much like you did with your DH. Judging by your attitude though it sounds like he was always the more ambitious one anyways.

Doesn't sound like your DH had a "big job". Or maybe your kids ended up like Meg Whitman's? She surely trucked along and neither of them seem to have compromised on their careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

Ouch! Don't even think that about yourself like that. There's never a good reason to not invest in yourself. I get how you feel cos I am very big on professional success. I don't know what you mean by networking for him? I hope it's not a one-sided partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

PP, do you mean that his career was #1 to him? As in, he was very comfortable with you taking the backseat and being the default parent?

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. For me bad luck has been a factor, but also just not being willing to make certain sacrifices for my career. I got a great job offer early on...six months after applying, and a month after DH had accepted another. To make it work, we would have had to live states apart for a year or two with an infant. He was willing to try, I was not ok with my kid not seeing both his parents at that age. A year later I started a job working as a government contractor (individual) in a position I hoped would turn into a hire; Trump was elected, we're under hiring restrictions, and that's off the table. We are both job searching now but since I stepped off track early on, and he did not, I think he is going to have the career we both wen t to school for and I will just have to make something work.

It's frustrating to fall so neatly into the trailing spouse stereotype. I said for years I never would. One step, and then it snowballs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

OP and about 90% of the posts that followed it. I can't imagine having nothing more important in my life than my career and search for status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

It sounds like this is in the past tense - from what you are saying, you need to start now investing in your own career because the benefits are no longer the same.