Jealous of DH's Career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

OP and about 90% of the posts that followed it. I can't imagine having nothing more important in my life than my career and search for status.

NP. Everyone has different goals and priorities. Personally, I can't imagine not having a successful career. My parents sacrificed a lot over the years to send me to college, and I worked hard to get to the position I am in today. There is nothing wrong with either a man or woman wanting to be successful in their chosen field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

OP and about 90% of the posts that followed it. I can't imagine having nothing more important in my life than my career and search for status.

NP. Everyone has different goals and priorities. Personally, I can't imagine not having a successful career. My parents sacrificed a lot over the years to send me to college, and I worked hard to get to the position I am in today. There is nothing wrong with either a man or woman wanting to be successful in their chosen field.

Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

hahhaha.

My husband came home from a work dinner late one evening. The client CEO was there and during the various conversations he said "the secret to my success is my Stay At Home Wife."

So there you go, your husband is successful out there in the public realm, because you are busting your @$$ doing everything else in order to allow him to focus on office work 24/7. Hope you signed up for that. Most of us did not. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

PP, do you mean that his career was #1 to him? As in, he was very comfortable with you taking the backseat and being the default parent?

You are so wrong! At one point he quit his big corporate job and actually came to work with me in my consulting business for three years. We were very successful and our work/life balance was really good. But I knew that running a business was in his DNA and I actually introduced him to a private equity firm that ended up launching him back into the corporate world and great success. It required us to relocate a couple of times but I saw it as an adventure so I really encouraged him to do it. Sure, my career took a back seat but doing what I did really worked for me (read above) and for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

My father told me never to talk like that. Be the change yourself. No excuses. Don't sell yourself short.

- not white nor male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

hahhaha.

My husband came home from a work dinner late one evening. The client CEO was there and during the various conversations he said "the secret to my success is my Stay At Home Wife."

So there you go, your husband is successful out there in the public realm, because you are busting your @$$ doing everything else in order to allow him to focus on office work 24/7. Hope you signed up for that. Most of us did not. No thanks.

You are an idiot. She said it is not a zero sum game, his success does not impede yours. My DH and I both have careers that are important to us and, with children, we've both made some trade-offs to make it all work. Your comment also slams SAHM's which is also wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible that the tides will turn in your favor over time?

My DH is about 10 years older than me. Between the for-profit/non-profit salary divide and the age/sex salary divide, he was earning a lot more than was I for 15 of the last 20 years. The kids came along, I did consulting and the stuff I swore I'd never do since it was so inequitable, unjust, reinforcing gender stereotypes, etc etc etc. (And yes, I was green with envy that he got the "luxury" of spending the day working with adults while I was stuck with a mewling, needy kid. Meanwhile, he envied that I was able to spend time with our baby.)

Fast forward to where we are now. He is so over work and dying to spend more time with the kids. I still love what I do and my salary keeps going up and up and up, as do my opportunities and potential. Far more so than his -- he is pretty much stuck where he is. So we're planning on transitioning some things soon so that I'm the primary breadwinner and he's able to scale back a bit and start enjoying life more.

Is there the potential for this situation to change so that you can feel professionally fulfilled while your DH is able to enjoy more family time?

Is sucks to have to feel like you are sacrificing a part of your intellect to deal with kids, diapers, vomit, sticky fingers clawing at you, etc. This, too, shall pass. And then you can move into what stimulates you intellectually and professionally.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

vent away OP. my dh isn't changing the world but he makes a shit ton of money and oversees a ton of people and I work at this little nonprofit that does service delivery quietly in the community. guess who gets way more respect when we meet new people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

OP and about 90% of the posts that followed it. I can't imagine having nothing more important in my life than my career and search for status.

NP. Everyone has different goals and priorities. Personally, I can't imagine not having a successful career. My parents sacrificed a lot over the years to send me to college, and I worked hard to get to the position I am in today. There is nothing wrong with either a man or woman wanting to be successful in their chosen field.

Really?

not snarky, seriously, is like the definition of "successful career" you are using? mostly money based? other factors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

OP and about 90% of the posts that followed it. I can't imagine having nothing more important in my life than my career and search for status.

NP. Everyone has different goals and priorities. Personally, I can't imagine not having a successful career. My parents sacrificed a lot over the years to send me to college, and I worked hard to get to the position I am in today. There is nothing wrong with either a man or woman wanting to be successful in their chosen field.

Really?

not snarky, seriously, is like the definition of "successful career" you are using? mostly money based? other factors?

For me, it is an opportunity to work on the problems I want to solve and to be paid to be intellectually challenged every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mick Jagger said it best..."women are the N-words of the world".

John Lennon. Although the idea that it was Mick Jagger is hilarious.