Jealous of DH's Career

[Anonymous]

Just need to vent. I'm feeling super jealous of DH's career today. We started out as equals when we married out of grad school, but it seems like little by little we made decisions that benefitted his career over mine - moving to the area for his job, me doing a little bit more of the housework, spending just a bit more time networking with his people, etc. And it's all added up! I slog along at work while he gets to change the world. I feel like I am a cautionary tale for DD.

[Anonymous]

You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Yep, I feel the same way. But then I got so unhappy and he was so overworked "changing the world" that we had a big conversation. I then started responding favorably when headhunters called and we took a relo package for my new job.

Start putting yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just need to vent. I'm feeling super jealous of DH's career today. We started out as equals when we married out of grad school, but it seems like little by little we made decisions that benefitted his career over mine - moving to the area for his job, me doing a little bit more of the housework, spending just a bit more time networking with his people, etc. And it's all added up! I slog along at work while he gets to change the world. I feel like I am a cautionary tale for DD.

Sounds more like a competition than a partnership.....

[Anonymous]

I get jealous too, but DH totally understands and is willing to make sacrifices at this point to make me happier.

I got out of grad school and married a naval officer. We spent the first 7 years of my career bouncing around to different coastal cities. I was employed, but in jobs that weren't exactly what I wanted to be doing. He left the military and we moved to DC for me...now I'm just starting to catch up to my peers. I still earn a decent salary and enjoy my work, but I haven't been able to take the risks that will get me to the next level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, I feel the same way. But then I got so unhappy and he was so overworked "changing the world" that we had a big conversation. I then started responding favorably when headhunters called and we took a relo package for my new job.

Start putting yourself first.

+1

[Anonymous]

I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

[Anonymous]

OP, in my house it is the opposite. I am concerned that DH's career is stalling out and I want to help him. But that said, he does not blame me for this. We have made decisions together. I haven't forced him to do anything. For his part, he made the decision to stay in a position at an organization where he has been stalled out in middle management for years. Had he had more ambition before we moved to be closer to family, we may have had the means to remain in DC. Now we are in a market where there is far more opportunity for me than for him. I have expressed the willingness to re-locate again if necessary (I can literally get a job anywhere in the country), support him in starting his own business, etc. He is not a victim, and I doubt you are either.

Own the decisions you've made, and if you want things to change, talk to your husband. He can't read your mind and it sounds like you're letting things fester into resentment. That's not fair to him and not good for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

Amen, PP. I'm sure there is more to OP's career stall-out than she's letting on, unless her husband is a domineering control freak.

[Anonymous]

Stop being such a pushover and don't Mommy Track yourself. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

NP. Yes and no. Time is in fact a zero-sum game. There's only so much of it to go around. And often one partner sacrificing in terms of taking on more family responsibilities does in fact directly contribute to their partners increased success.

Yes the family is a joint endeavor, and yes jealousy will damage the marriage. Yet it is also unfair to not acknowledge some of the hard truths about trying to balance the demands of careers and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

NP. Yes and no. Time is in fact a zero-sum game. There's only so much of it to go around. And often one partner sacrificing in terms of taking on more family responsibilities does in fact directly contribute to their partners increased success.

Yes the family is a joint endeavor, and yes jealousy will damage the marriage. Yet it is also unfair to not acknowledge some of the hard truths about trying to balance the demands of careers and family.

Who isn't acknowledging it? Unless OP's husband is a sexist, domineering jerk who refuses to be a full partner, then OP has to own that they have gotten to this point collectively. If she wants it to change, venting here is a waste of time. She needs to communicate with her husband and figure out how to make more time to focus on her career. That assumes she has a plan and knows what she wants to do. More planning, more communicating, less whining.

[Anonymous]

I listened to the article on NPR about how few women are the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies and I though, duh. DH and I were completely equal until I had kids. Then I got pregnant, had lots of doctor's appointments (40 hours of sick leave worth!!), 12 weeks of maternity leave that exhausted my annual leave and forced me into the annual leave hole. Rinse and repeat 3 years later for baby#2. I have zero annual leave for a vacation and haven't gotten one in years. I was declined when I asked to use LWOP for a vacation or even to get Christmas Eve off. I just feel overworked and there's no vacation in sight. I'm falling behind due to the stress and lack of vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Mick Jagger said it best..."women are the N-words of the world".

[Anonymous]

OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.