Parent passed away 5 years ago, Spouse thinks I need more therapy for closure?!

[Anonymous]

I really don't see any abnormal grief in your post, OP. There really is no such thing as "closure", just dealing with the loss and the crappy aftermath. Your dad is never not going to be dead, so of course you are reminded of it from time to time. Your DH sounds uncomfortable with your feelings, but that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Time heals old wounds and what you went through was very difficult. Both of my parents passed away over the last five years and I always get a little depressed around their birthdays, holidays etc. Just seeing pictures of them makes me sigh. But I quickly recover because I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for. How deep a funk do you go into and how long does it take for you to recover? If you have to climb into bed for a day you need help. If its just a few minutes of sadness you just need to do that on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every moment that you grieve deeply for your father is a moment that you are not enjoying and connecting with your baby and husband. If for no other reason, this one is important enough to seek help. Dont miss this time, it is the most precious.

Why don't you just throw a guilt trip on a new mom who misses her father? What a dick move and how unrealistic.

You can grieve and parent. You can grieve and be a wife. I don't understand people who expect you to grieve a loved one a certain amount and then never feel sad or miss them again. I miss my grandmother, badly. I tell my kids stories about her and still cry for her sometimes. But I'm an involved and devoted mom and wife. You can miss someone and parent well.

[Anonymous]

The length of your post alone screams that it's not "over." Get help.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, don't have time to read all the other posts, so maybe someone has said this already, but I would suggest having your husband go with you to a therapy session (preferably with someone you already know, if not, I'd meet with them first). Grief is weird and "closure" doesn't mean you never feel things again. It might be helpful for your husband to hear from a third party that you have achieved the "closure" that is appropriate but that you'll still have feelings about your dad and be sad for the rest of your life, and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, every moment that you grieve deeply for your father is a moment that you are not enjoying and connecting with your baby and husband. If for no other reason, this one is important enough to seek help. Dont miss this time, it is the most precious.

Why don't you just throw a guilt trip on a new mom who misses her father? What a dick move and how unrealistic.

You can grieve and parent. You can grieve and be a wife. I don't understand people who expect you to grieve a loved one a certain amount and then never feel sad or miss them again. I miss my grandmother, badly. I tell my kids stories about her and still cry for her sometimes. But I'm an involved and devoted mom and wife. You can miss someone and parent well.

I agree. My brother died unexpectedly two days after my twins were born. I took time for therapy but sometimes I also cried while they were in my arms and I was telling them stories about their uncle and I don't feel guilty at all about grieving deeply for my brother while also being a parent and a wife. I would have been a really shitty parent and wife had I tried to squash all my feelings and act like nothing was wrong. I wonder how old the first PP is. That kind of bullshit sounds like something my grandmother would say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Closure was a flawed idea in psychotherapy. Many therapists now work on developing ways to manage loss in healthy ways. It's okay to continue to grieve as long as life itself also continues.

THIS!!!! OP, there is no "closure". You evolve in how you learn to live with the things you cannot change. Painful losses, injustices, not to mention your mother abandoning you, these are really hard.

Your husband feels bad seeing you feel bad. He wants you to stop feeling bad, and believes therapy can help. He may be right, but just know that YOU are in charge of where you want to go with this. Meaning: what do YOU need to heal?

I lost my mother to cancer 25 years ago, dad remarried hastily, divorced a few years later after being bled dry financially, and then married into a toxic family who treated me horribly. The one saving grace was the step brother lawyer who helped me in my divorce and the only one who treated me with dignity and kindness. I lost my dad to this toxic cult, a step sister assaulted me in a drunked rage out of the blue and I was expected to suck it up, I have watched my entire history with my family of origin obliterated.

THIS STUFF IS HARD. It just is. There are no answers that are on the ready, and there is no timeline for this mystical closure which doesnt even really exist. You can however live way more happily, with more purpose and intention for YOUR life, based on decisions about what is best for YOU and YOUR family NOW. I think that is what your husband wants to see. As to the holidays, well of course those feel bad. That is totally totally to be expected, but I think you will one day reclaim those holidays for your family in ways that may have eluded you.

He sounds like a caring spouse who cannot fix what he sees as the problem. As my husband says "I cant push a rope". A therapist will only be of help if its the right kind of therapist.

I'm really sorry for your loss and these circumstances. You have been through ALOT. I can tell you are trying your very best to be clear and rational about it all. I so relate to so much of it. Take heart, it does get better. You kind of have to decide its ok to live in the now and be happy about it. And that it is ok to feel bummed at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The length of your post alone screams that it's not "over." Get help.

Wow, so compassionate. It was not a long post. She gave just enough detail for us to understand the scope of the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm sorry for all of it.

I don't know whether or not you need therapy. I know that I will never be OK with my mothers death or some of my dad's behaviors after the fact. But I also know that I can't change any of that. I live every day hoping she would be proud of me and memories that used to make me sad now make me happy because I feel like I'm living my best life in her memory. If you feel like you're not breaking through at that level it would probably be good to talk to someone.

I hope that's all he is suggesting. I hope he's not completely unwilling to listen to you grieve or process it. Dh was always willing to listen after these last few years and it's helped.

OMG I could have written your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time heals old wounds and what you went through was very difficult. Both of my parents passed away over the last five years and I always get a little depressed around their birthdays, holidays etc. Just seeing pictures of them makes me sigh. But I quickly recover because I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for. How deep a funk do you go into and how long does it take for you to recover? If you have to climb into bed for a day you need help. If its just a few minutes of sadness you just need to do that on your own.

This completely. OP there is no set timeline on grief or when it will pop back up or what will make it come roaring back. You actually sound completely normal to me and I wouldn't even think about therapy. DH needs to give you space and be more understanding. My mom died 14 years ago and certain things will still set me off. No, I don't cry everyday but there are random days when seeing a woman my age with her mom will make me a crying basket case. I lost my dad a few years ago also. Grief losing him has been so different from losing my mom. I found that unsettling to me.

Regardless, grief is wound. Always there but sometimes if you touch it the pain takes your breath away and makes you want to cry out, other times you just brush it and have a moment of short breath.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a Hospice Chaplain. I also lost my best friend to cancer six years ago. What I have learned from my grief experience and from the hundreds of people I have walked the grief path with is this - You never get passed the death of someone you care about. Think of a beautiful tea pot. One that has great sentimental value to you. One day you accidentally knock it off the shelf while dusting. It cracks. You are devastated. You take it an expert repair person and he does a perfect job with the repair. You still love the teapot. It's still beautiful. It still holds that same value in your heart. But it's different now. That crack, though carefully hidden and faded, will always be there. For a long time every time you look at the teapot, you see the crack and it hurts. Eventually you realize you aren't seeing the crack as often. That's how our grief works. We are forever changed by the pain of loss. But eventually we move past the pain into a place of acceptance.

A grief counselor could help you on the journey. The only way to heal is to move through the grief. If you try to rush through it or try to skip any of the grief work, you'll find yourself thrown right back into it over and over again. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how awful it feels. You will heal. But just like the teapot, you are forever changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a Hospice Chaplain. I also lost my best friend to cancer six years ago. What I have learned from my grief experience and from the hundreds of people I have walked the grief path with is this - You never get passed the death of someone you care about. Think of a beautiful tea pot. One that has great sentimental value to you. One day you accidentally knock it off the shelf while dusting. It cracks. You are devastated. You take it an expert repair person and he does a perfect job with the repair. You still love the teapot. It's still beautiful. It still holds that same value in your heart. But it's different now. That crack, though carefully hidden and faded, will always be there. For a long time every time you look at the teapot, you see the crack and it hurts. Eventually you realize you aren't seeing the crack as often. That's how our grief works. We are forever changed by the pain of loss. But eventually we move past the pain into a place of acceptance.

A grief counselor could help you on the journey. The only way to heal is to move through the grief. If you try to rush through it or try to skip any of the grief work, you'll find yourself thrown right back into it over and over again. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how awful it feels. You will heal. But just like the teapot, you are forever changed.

Not op, but thank you for sharing these beautiful well chosen and very accurate words. You have completely captured it. Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. I think what you are experiencing is within the realm of normal grieving - at least, it is very similar to what I went through. I lost my mother to cancer when I was in my early 20s. She was the only parent I'd ever known. I wasn't fully over it at the 5 year mark - in fact, I remember taking it really hard that particular year because 5 years seemed like such a long time for her to be gone. It's now been 15 years and I'm still not fully "over it." I get sad around her birthday and the anniversary of her death, but it hurts less as the years go by. When I became a mom, I missed my mother terribly and all of those feelings rose to the surface again and hurt in a new way. But again, you learn to live with it and the new normal gets easier as time goes by.

I never went to therapy but what did help me work through it was writing down everything I was feeling - all of the hurt, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, and loneliness that for a long time was bubbling right under the surface. I don't think "closure" exists for something like this, but ideally you get to a point where you can live your life without the grief being all-consuming. if your griefis affecting your family or other aspects of your life, then a therapist may help you find a better way to manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a Hospice Chaplain. I also lost my best friend to cancer six years ago. What I have learned from my grief experience and from the hundreds of people I have walked the grief path with is this - You never get passed the death of someone you care about. Think of a beautiful tea pot. One that has great sentimental value to you. One day you accidentally knock it off the shelf while dusting. It cracks. You are devastated. You take it an expert repair person and he does a perfect job with the repair. You still love the teapot. It's still beautiful. It still holds that same value in your heart. But it's different now. That crack, though carefully hidden and faded, will always be there. For a long time every time you look at the teapot, you see the crack and it hurts. Eventually you realize you aren't seeing the crack as often. That's how our grief works. We are forever changed by the pain of loss. But eventually we move past the pain into a place of acceptance.

A grief counselor could help you on the journey. The only way to heal is to move through the grief. If you try to rush through it or try to skip any of the grief work, you'll find yourself thrown right back into it over and over again. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how awful it feels. You will heal. But just like the teapot, you are forever changed.

NP. And now I'm tearing up....this is a beautiful analogy.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I know it must be really hard, what you have described sounds heart-wrenching.

When your spouse suggests a therapy and the need for "closure," maybe what he is really saying is that it is hard for him to have special events and holidays always covered by a shadow of grief?

I am not saying you are wrong to feel this grief in any way, but your spouse may not be able to tell you his real issue: that this is affecting your family in a real and negative way and that he wishes you all could just enjoy a holiday or special event. He may not be able to tell you this directly because he does not want to seem critical. His saying, "get closure," may be his way of saying, "stop ruining Christmas for us," or whatever.

If that is the case, in some ways it might be insensitive, but he might also have a valid point to make about how this is affecting your family now. I don't know if your spouse has had any similar life experiences. He may really just not get how deeply affecting this could be. But it may also be true that you don't fully realize how the way you are dealing with your grief is affecting your family's ability to experience joy. I don't really know your situation, obviously, but it's worth considering that your spouse may have a real need here that he can't express to you, rather than him just being not understanding.