Parent passed away 5 years ago, Spouse thinks I need more therapy for closure?!

[Anonymous]

Tomorrow is my father's birthday, he passed away five years ago while I was in my early twenties. I have been particularly anxious all week, which is uncharacteristic compared to the last couple years. It was a S4 glioblastoma (same cancer as Senator McCain) and he survived 4 months after discovering it. During the biopsy there was a complication and he had a stroke, became bedridden and never returned home. I was his care taker during the time he was in nursing homes for the chemo treatment and then the hospice center. He was very aggressive towards me at that time, genuinely mean and hateful but within a second he'd return back to his semi-normal self. Doctors told me it was just side effects from the brain injury paired with being his emotional outlet. I understood that and didn't take it personally although those 4 months were difficult.

A year before, he married a neighboring divorcee who had lived on our street the same 15+ years my family had, but we had never socialized with her before. They met, 3 months later engaged, 3 months later married. 12 months later inoperable-giant-tumor. My younger sister (18) and I were glad to see our Dad happy, even though we didn't easily blend with New Wife and her Lower-Alabama-Paula-Dean-Evangelical-Lifestyle. For the most part we just played the roles of supportive daughters and trying not to get in the way. He sold our childhood home (I wasn't living there) and moved in with her. Dad meticulously sorted through our entire house of possessions of what he wanted, we wanted, and what he was saving to give us at a later date (family heirlooms etc). My mother had, for lack of a better term, abandoned us about ten years prior. Before she left she was just a normal woman from a family, had her own set of mementos. There were antique items from her side of the family that she didn't want back. When Dad moved in with the NW, she unpacked a lot of it because it was pretty and valuable. Once he passed away she kept absolutely everything he brought into the house. Even our Christmas ornaments. She wasn't punishing us, she felt entitled to all of it because he was her husband, legally and morally. There was money he had for us. She worked for a law office and when they married they also combined assets. Before he married I was fully informed of my father's estate. She became the power of attorney and made changes. Whatever was then intended for us had been consumed by funeral expenses. I did not fight this, something like possessions or money seemed trivial in the following weeks after his passing.

I went through depression and worked with mental health professionals about it. Pretty standard grief stuff? As of today no one really has much to do with NW. She didn't want us around (just our stuff?)

I am now married with a baby. DH and I just moved in together a month before my dad got sick, DH was there for all of it. Now, every time a holiday or special date comes up that makes me miss him, DH insists I don't have closure and need to find a therapist over this. My thoughts are: A terrible thing happened. It lasted 4 months. It's over and will never happen again. People experience worse for longer periods of time. This is what life is about, the changing of seasons? Now that I'm a mom, I can't even put myself in the shoes of a parent with a sick child (my 78 yo grandma flew 2,000 miles eight different times to be with her son).

I'm on DCUM because it's easier to talk about this stuff anonymously than having to share with the ones I know. Everyone feels so bad for me, still. I don't want them to feel bad, I don't want to be the debbie downer. But I'm hoping other people can relate at all... to the loss of a parent or having to be the caretaker??

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I'm sorry for your loss. Your entire post does read as someone who maybe needs a little bit more help. It doesn't really sound like you have closure. It sounds like you still hold some resentment and anger towards him as well as the new wife (normal). You also say everyone feels so bad for you, which makes me wonder how much this is still affecting you 4 years later for everyone to feel bad for you. What are you being a Debbie downer about?

There is no harm in talking to a therapist again.

[Anonymous]

Closure was a flawed idea in psychotherapy. Many therapists now work on developing ways to manage loss in healthy ways. It's okay to continue to grieve as long as life itself also continues.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom died 4 months after her cancer diagnosis (different type). Everyone grieves differently, and if you're still grieving your dad around the time of his death, that's entirely your process and timeline. No one can tell you x amount of time is too long.
If you feel your DH is right and you might benefit from therapy, maybe it's not a bad idea to see a therapist and just explore/ work through the feelings you have around this time. Do it now, while it's current. I've been in therapy off and on since my mom died, and it's still a process for me.
Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

In today's world, many people rely on therapists and psychologists. Your husband probably feels he cannot help you, may not understand that grief really doesn't go away magically, and is getting impatient.

On the other hand, you could try seeing a therapist: maybe you'll feel better!
But warn your husband that he likely won't see much change - the real difference will be on the inside...

Good luck, OP. It's normal to have periods when you grieve more than others.

[Anonymous]

I think he may be onto something. I lost my dad very unexpectedly when I was 22, and 15 years later I still miss him at major life events, holidays, etc., so I very much sympathize with that part of it. The part that suggests to me that you may still be struggling with stuff you need to work through is how hung up you seem on his wife and the property she kept after he died. It sounds like you still have a lot of anger about that.

[Anonymous]

It really isn't a battle of who has it worst.
On one on DCUM knows you like your husband does. Sometimes a spouse can see thing that we don't see. Maybe he used the wrong word, because closure doesn't really happen, but maybe he sees a pattern of behaviors that are concerning to him and that lead him to believe you need a little extra support beyond him, friends, or venting to DCUM. So maybe ask him .

Ther's nothing wrong with a few drop in sessions with therapist..

Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

OP, you had sh*tty experiences with your parents. You are now a parent. I think this makes you scared about what kind of parent you will be and whether you will let your kids down. It isn't really about the cancer or those 4 months.

[Anonymous]

Go to a therapist, as husband suggests, because maybe he knows he does not have it in him to be all you need. No spouse can. And shouldn't have to (if it's an unusually emotional circumstance) Don't make him hear about this over-and-over again. Pay some one. Pay to have someone else listen.

[Anonymous]

OP I think a limited amount of therapy may help you. I don't know. Grief is a weird thing and people who talk about "closure" think its something you can pack away in a drawer and not look at again when in reality its something that stays with you a long time, if not forever.

My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly about a month ago. My mother has just been diagnosed with a fierce and terminal cancer. Its basically a horrible year.

Some days I am "normal" and some days I am not and my DH understands this and gives me the space to do what I have to do.

I don't know what help to offer you but don't know what to say. I hope your pain abates and that you find the joy in your own family that you deserve.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for all of it.

I don't know whether or not you need therapy. I know that I will never be OK with my mothers death or some of my dad's behaviors after the fact. But I also know that I can't change any of that. I live every day hoping she would be proud of me and memories that used to make me sad now make me happy because I feel like I'm living my best life in her memory. If you feel like you're not breaking through at that level it would probably be good to talk to someone.

I hope that's all he is suggesting. I hope he's not completely unwilling to listen to you grieve or process it. Dh was always willing to listen after these last few years and it's helped.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read your entire post but go see a therapist or go to a couple meetings of a compassionate friends support group.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mom to cancer when I was a teenager. I'm now nearly 50, and I'll share with you that one of the most important things I've learned is that grief is a process. My most helpful therapist described it to me as "the only way past it is through it".

I'm only an Internet stranger, but from way over here it strikes me that you've had a lot of loss in a very young life and the way you speak of it as something that is over and won't happen again strikes me as someone who perhaps has dealt with it by ignoring it rather than processing it. I say this with care, not judgement, as I've been in similar circumstances. I'm incredibly sorry for what you've been through, and I agree with your dh that it could be helpful to speak to a grief counselor and see if you have some more processing to do.

You only briefly mention your mom leaving, and I don't know what impact that had, but you might want to check out the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. I felt a lot less alone about not having a mom after reading it. You might find it helpful as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, every moment that you grieve deeply for your father is a moment that you are not enjoying and connecting with your baby and husband. If for no other reason, this one is important enough to seek help. Dont miss this time, it is the most precious.

[Anonymous]

Don't know about closure being a thing but from your post it sounds like therapy might be good for you.