Reply to Parent passed away 5 years ago, Spouse thinks I need more therapy for closure?!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Closure was a flawed idea in psychotherapy. Many therapists now work on developing ways to manage loss in healthy ways. It's okay to continue to grieve as long as life itself also continues. [/quote]

THIS!!!! OP, there is no "closure". You evolve in how you learn to live with the things you cannot change. Painful losses, injustices, not to mention your mother abandoning you, these are really hard.

Your husband feels bad seeing you feel bad. He wants you to stop feeling bad, and believes therapy can help. He may be right, but just know that YOU are in charge of where you want to go with this. Meaning: what do YOU need to heal?

I lost my mother to cancer 25 years ago, dad remarried hastily, divorced a few years later after being bled dry financially, and then married into a toxic family who treated me horribly. The one saving grace was the step brother lawyer who helped me in my divorce and the only one who treated me with dignity and kindness. I lost my dad to this toxic cult, a step sister assaulted me in a drunked rage out of the blue and I was expected to suck it up, I have watched my entire history with my family of origin obliterated.

THIS STUFF IS HARD. It just is. There are no answers that are on the ready, and there is no timeline for this mystical closure which doesnt even really exist. You can however live way more happily, with more purpose and intention for YOUR life, based on decisions about what is best for YOU and YOUR family NOW. I think that is what your husband wants to see. As to the holidays, well of course those feel bad. That is totally totally to be expected, but I think you will one day reclaim those holidays for your family in ways that may have eluded you.

He sounds like a caring spouse who cannot fix what he sees as the problem. As my husband says "I cant push a rope". A therapist will only be of help if its the right kind of therapist.

I'm really sorry for your loss and these circumstances. You have been through ALOT. I can tell you are trying your very best to be clear and rational about it all. I so relate to so much of it. Take heart, it does get better. You kind of have to decide its ok to live in the now and be happy about it. And that it is ok to feel bummed at Christmas.
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