My DS11 with ADHD said...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question. Since your DS is diagnosed with ADHD, even if he is not out of control, as you say, why not try medication? My view on it, is that medication is primarily to help him, the patient, and not just because "he is out of control," and might be in trouble. We waited with my DD and started meds at 15 and it has been a mistake. She can't read social cues, can't tell when other teens are sincere or mean, basically she was winging it...With medication, she is finally starting to be calm enough to actually observe people and behaviors.

OP, my DS is 9 and has been on medication since kindergarten. We also do off and on therapy sessions to help him hone in on certain behaviors that may alienate others or harm himself (he picks his skin until it bleeds). Over time, he has come to better understand ADHD, and how it's part of who he is. His ADHD manifests itself in hyperactivity, so the medication helps to allow him to focus on one task at a time and slows down his mind. This, in turn, allows him to better understand social signals as well as be a more attentive student.

I would definitely try to get him into a therapist that specializes in ADHD to help him better understand what's happening inside his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? My son is but he has one kid at school who isn't. Nobody wants to get near him because he is out of control and is constantly in trouble.

OP here- no he's not on medication but is not out of control or constantly in trouble. DS's ADHD looks more inattentive with difficulty reading "in the moment" social cues. He has EF issues that cause problems with organization, starting tasks, and time management.

OP, frankly, I think the same could be said (at least at times) of virtually every 11 year old boy that I know. And that is quite a few of them.

The key word here is "at times". People with ADHD have it constantly, and sometimes it's severe. You really cannot compare occasional bouts of cluelessness with the handicap of being unable to follow what others are thinking and feeling.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try CTY or something similar. I'm sure there are plenty smart, quirky kids like your son he could meet there.

[Anonymous]

OP here- we talked about it again this morning. DS said he's been practicing his conversational skills at camp and he's working on being more approachable. He does tend to socially isolate himself at times, and has trouble with things like eye contact and greetings which can make him seem aloof or even rude.
He sees a therapist for social skills and executive functioning.

I was excited to hear DS taking charge of his social learning. He's had a lot of rejection but he just keeps plugging away. His spirit is one of the many things I love.

Yes, the medication discussion is coming up again in our house- we don't shut the door on it, but we're taking everything in sum total to make a comprehensive decision about DS's well being.

[Anonymous]

We have our child with ADHD in a lot of activities and he likes having friends in his classes or on teams who are basically his built-in friends. Does he get together with them after, not really. But it is social and he enjoys it and it keeps him from holing up in his bedroom watching videos all day long.

[Anonymous]

I think that is amazingly self-reflective, at any age really. I struggle with this for my DS7—I feel like I am always trying to "fix" him, when the reality is that he really just wants to do his own thing. He can make friends if he wants to—he just doesn't really care about it that much. He loves being inside his head, and doing stuff the way he wants to do it. It's hard to promote being flexible when he's not that socially motivated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, we're in a somewhat similar situation here. I've been teaching DS12 these past couple of years to stretch gently from "being me" to "being me but social". The difficult part is that he's not motivated enough. Just like his father, the loner without friends. Sigh.

OP here- it's a delicate conversation because there is, of course, a line between "being you" and also improving for your own benefit and for better relationships. I think in DS's case, he's trying to figure out who he and where he fits. In spite of all the issues, he's a deep thinker.

I'm an intensely introverted and very shy person. What I've hated over the years is people telling me that being less introverted and less shy was an improvement. It was as if people (including my very well meaning and loving mom) were telling me I wasn't good enough. That being another person would be better. I've come to a better place thinking not that being less introverted or shy would be better, but that I need to have control over when I want to be introverted and shy, and when I want to be social. If I can make a decision about my own level of introversion then I'm good. If the introversion controls me, or if my desire to not be introverted because people told me introversion is bad controls me, then I'm not being my full self. My full self gets to choose. You might try some of that parsing with your son - he should be his true self! His true self is AWESOME. It needs no fixing. If he wants to behave differently sometimes to make friends comfortable (because part of his true self is being a caring, fair, kind dude, right?) he can work on skills he can choose to use when he wants to make others more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only in western societies is there a concept of one, true authentic self. We are all different in different situations. It's actually the hallmark of being human. In my family, we talk a lot about this and how other societies (particularly Chinese) understand this and weave it better into social life. We also read books where the protagonists go through different situations that show this (Where the Mountain Meets the Moon is a good one).

+1. I would tell your DS that his decisions are his own, but there can be many sides to "him" dependent on the goals he's intending to reach at the moment with the specific interactions. For example:

School-him: Probably wants good grades. Should choose his actions accordingly.

Hobby-him: Likely wants to improve/succeed in some sort of activity, and therefore needs to put in adequate time to practice skills

Social-him: Probably wants at least a few friends to hang out with sometimes. Should cultivate those relationships intentionally and make sure to fit time with friends into his schedule, prepared to act in pro-social ways at those times.

Family-him: Needs to ensure that his behavior & contributions such as chores are adequate within the family structure; might have obligations to extended family or a desire to maintain a connection to older relatives/family heritage

Free time-him: The most relaxed; with other goals taken care of this is his time to do & be exactly what feels right to him without a specific purpose.

Being able to choose what to prioritize when and how to act in ways that get us what we actually want is indeed a key part of being human and a good life skill to lean.

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this post all day and came back because I really feel compelled to give my perspective as someone with ADHD.

The ADHD is not my "true self"--the ADHD obscures my true self or impairs my ability to be my best true self. Just the same way my allergies impair my ability to do my best physically. I have personality traits and interests that may attract or repel other people (I have certain political views, I geek out on sci fi, I over-research things and am too interested in weird historical trivia, I love to sing along with old pop songs.... ). That may be my "true self" but none of that has anything to do with my ADHD. The ADHD interferes with my ability to connect with people who might appreciate my true self when I forget to return calls/emails; am late to things; interrupt people when they are speaking; talk too long without letting someone else speak. Those things are all the ADHD, but not my "true self." I'm making this post because I sometimes see posts from parents saying that they don't want to "change" their child by trying to get rid of the ADHD. As someone with ADHD, I think this is wrong-headed. Don't confuse your child's underlying personality/interests with the ADHD--being rude or oblivious is not part of your child's personality--it is the ADHD and you can treat/minimize that without changing your child's "true self."

The people who say things like "Oh, I'm just going to be late for everything and you need to deal with it because that's who I am!" are just justifying their rudeness. (I'm often late and I would say "I'm sorry I was late. I sometimes loose track of time. I hope I didn't inconvenience you. If I'm late again, please don't feel that you need to wait for me.").

anyway, I guess I wanted to say to OP that you should try to see what he sees as the conflict between his "true self" and having friends. If it's the ADHD, treat it. If it's just that his interests are different than the other boys at school, then he may need a bigger social circle (including maybe some older kids). One good thing about going to middle school and high school is that there are more kids... so if you're a kid that is a little different, the odds increase that you will find someone whose difference lines up with yours.

[Anonymous]

Kids think they need a gaggle of friends. He can be himself and have 2 friends.

He does not need to be somebody else and try to have 10 friends.

All he needs is2 or 3 friends that like him the way he is, also boys don't gang everyday.

[Anonymous]

THese posts are making me sad! My 7 year old DD was just diagnosed with ADHD combined and I'm beginning to understand why she has so much trouble making friends. Just went to a class playdate and she was the one fighting, running away, or hiding. I keep hoping she would grow out of it, but its clear now she will face so many challenges, and I'm sad about it. How did you other moms adjust after the diagnosis? What keeps you going? Not only is she isolated, but its hard for me to be friends with the other moms because everyone knows I'm "that kid's" mom. I am becoming socially isolated, too. Which amplifies the bad feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THese posts are making me sad! My 7 year old DD was just diagnosed with ADHD combined and I'm beginning to understand why she has so much trouble making friends. Just went to a class playdate and she was the one fighting, running away, or hiding. I keep hoping she would grow out of it, but its clear now she will face so many challenges, and I'm sad about it. How did you other moms adjust after the diagnosis? What keeps you going? Not only is she isolated, but its hard for me to be friends with the other moms because everyone knows I'm "that kid's" mom. I am becoming socially isolated, too. Which amplifies the bad feelings.

OP here--

1. For yourself, learn to be neutral and pragmatic about helping your DD. I can get into this "black and white thinking where my son is the victim or he is the problem. After years of working with the school and classroom observations it is rarely one or the other. When I get upset, it feels overwhelming and sad.

2. Remember that your DD won't always be where she is now. When my son was in preschool he became highly aggressive at home--hitting, biting, urinating on the floor in a rage, throwing toys at walls and people. He refused timeouts and would tear his room apart, and responded to reward systems for only about 48 hours. I developed chronic anxiety as a result of this bombardment- and had visions of being physically attacked when he became a teen.

Guess what? He hasn't lashed out like that in many years- in fact, the other week he became acutely angry, said he wanted to hit and began banging his arm on his chair because he "would never, ever hit me even if he wants to because he knows it's wrong."

3. Screw the other moms- or more diplomatically, just focus on your DD and wait for the cool people- they are out there. DS had a friend in K with some pretty major behavioral issues. My son saw a kindred spirit and I immediately befriended the mom because she's cool, quirky, I need friends who I can talk to and don't judge me or my child.

I can't say how to adjust because you will adjust again and again with new challenges. Just know that you have the strength to handle things when they come up...and a support network is important.

[Anonymous]

Medication may not be needed academically but it seems it is needed for his social and emotional well-being.

You are getting to an age where his lack of social skills is creating a deficit that is hard to overcome.

Did you try medication to see if it would benefit him?

[Anonymous]

Thank you, OP for your thoughtful response. Really good advice about remaining neutral and pragmatic... even somewhat detached while problem-solving and resisting the tendency to catastrophize about the future.

As for the support network you build up, did you tell the other mom about the ADHD diagnosis? I am tempted to explain it to the moms of the kids my DD tries to play with, but am worried they will gossip, misunderstand, judge, blame, etc.and it will make the situation worse.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, OP for your thoughtful response. Really good advice about remaining neutral and pragmatic... even somewhat detached while problem-solving and resisting the tendency to catastrophize about the future.

As for the support network you build up, did you tell the other mom about the ADHD diagnosis? I am tempted to explain it to the moms of the kids my DD tries to play with, but am worried they will gossip, misunderstand, judge, blame, etc.and it will make the situation worse.

Thanks

OP here- I didn't say anything to the other mom because DS hadn't been diagnosed yet. I empathized with her over some of the classroom issues because it was becoming obvious that DS was struggling in a less profound way, but struggling nonetheless.

I would be careful who you share a diagnosis with-- even if other parents know the reason your DD struggles, don't expect it to engender sympathy or understanding. Unfortunately, many parents will become less tolerant under the guise of looking out for their own child's interests and may make unfair assumptions about child. I'm sorry to sound negative- I have learned this the hard way and now I only share with people I trust + plus as DS ages it's really his decision about who to share with, unless it's absolutely necessary.