My DS11 with ADHD said...

[Anonymous]

"I've learned that I can have friends or be me. This year, I have decided to be me."

It made me sad-- of course we talked about it, but it still made me sad. I imagine that a lot of kids, with and without special needs go through this thought process. Sometimes I wish he was back starting kindergarten with the self assurance to believe that everyone will love him as he is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we're in a somewhat similar situation here. I've been teaching DS12 these past couple of years to stretch gently from "being me" to "being me but social". The difficult part is that he's not motivated enough. Just like his father, the loner without friends. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

I read an NPR article about ASD girls having 'social camouflage '. My tween Asperger's daughter is struggling to balance hiding her quirks to fit in versus the desire to be herself and figure out who she really is, not who the world wants her to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, we're in a somewhat similar situation here. I've been teaching DS12 these past couple of years to stretch gently from "being me" to "being me but social". The difficult part is that he's not motivated enough. Just like his father, the loner without friends. Sigh.

OP here- it's a delicate conversation because there is, of course, a line between "being you" and also improving for your own benefit and for better relationships. I think in DS's case, he's trying to figure out who he and where he fits. In spite of all the issues, he's a deep thinker.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would absolutely not let this black and white thinking go unchallenged. Everyone is capable of doing both simultaneously, he just has to choose the right friends.

Don't let him go down this road without challenging it, he will just use it as an excuse to avoid a lot of things that are good for him. Contact a therapist if you need some suggestions.

[Anonymous]

You can help him to modulate his behavior with friends. My DD who has ADHD, but is the dreamy inattentive type just ended a friendship with another child with ADHD because "Larla is at a 10 all the time and it gives me a headache." Larla's mom is very upset because DD was her child's only friend this past year, but the others were driven away by the same unpleasant behaviors. At some point, even other kids with SN will tire of things like one-sided conversations, insistence on preferred activities, constant screaming, their possessions damaged or lost due to carelessness, hurt feelings from unfiltered tongues, and getting in trouble with adults when the friend is overly impulsive.

The fact is that adults, often without SN, have to do this as well with certain personality traits or habits.

I can have a job in this field where a neat appearance matters or I can be me.

I can live in this apartment complex with a short commute or I can be me.

I can date people who are sober and law-abiding or I can be me.

[Anonymous]

I think that the pure fact of understanding that there's a genuine you and then there is that you that needs to attract friends is such a deep level thought for a little boy who is only 11. But I also think it's a really good sign that he understands being himself is valuable for his inner peace. I think other posters of giving good advice about helping him keep some social interaction,

[Anonymous]

OP here- we do strive for balance. DS does have some social skills and behavior that he needs to work on.
I don't think these thoughts are coming entirely from that place. He understands (as best an eleven year old can) that our impact on other people is separate from being our authentic selves. He doesn't always display it behaviorally, but is able to reflect.

DS has ADHD and is also exceptionally gifted (sorry only throwing that in for context)--he is an abstract thinker and already sees a lot hypocrisy and hiding. It bothers him a lot-- and I can't tell if it's entirely the IQ or inflexible thinking. I think many kids get here--when parental and teacher messages no longer mesh well with peer acceptance.

I do believe DS is thinking of his interests and courage. He wants to find kids who share some of his thoughts and hobbies, and I think he also wants to try more mainstream things that he has previously been afraid to try out of fear and embarrassment. I'm am hoping for success and acceptance because I do believe that DS is a candidate for anxiety and depression as he ages.

It may not be such a negative thing--but I just don't believe he's going to have an easy road.

[Anonymous]

Only in western societies is there a concept of one, true authentic self. We are all different in different situations. It's actually the hallmark of being human. In my family, we talk a lot about this and how other societies (particularly Chinese) understand this and weave it better into social life. We also read books where the protagonists go through different situations that show this (Where the Mountain Meets the Moon is a good one).

[Anonymous]

Is your son on medication? My son is but he has one kid at school who isn't. Nobody wants to get near him because he is out of control and is constantly in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? My son is but he has one kid at school who isn't. Nobody wants to get near him because he is out of control and is constantly in trouble.

OP here- no he's not on medication but is not out of control or constantly in trouble. DS's ADHD looks more inattentive with difficulty reading "in the moment" social cues. He has EF issues that cause problems with organization, starting tasks, and time management.

[Anonymous]

Question. Since your DS is diagnosed with ADHD, even if he is not out of control, as you say, why not try medication? My view on it, is that medication is primarily to help him, the patient, and not just because "he is out of control," and might be in trouble. We waited with my DD and started meds at 15 and it has been a mistake. She can't read social cues, can't tell when other teens are sincere or mean, basically she was winging it...With medication, she is finally starting to be calm enough to actually observe people and behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would absolutely not let this black and white thinking go unchallenged. Everyone is capable of doing both simultaneously, he just has to choose the right friends.

Don't let him go down this road without challenging it, he will just use it as an excuse to avoid a lot of things that are good for him. Contact a therapist if you need some suggestions.

This - many times this. Social isolation going into the teens is not a good choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? My son is but he has one kid at school who isn't. Nobody wants to get near him because he is out of control and is constantly in trouble.

OP here- no he's not on medication but is not out of control or constantly in trouble. DS's ADHD looks more inattentive with difficulty reading "in the moment" social cues. He has EF issues that cause problems with organization, starting tasks, and time management.

OP, frankly, I think the same could be said (at least at times) of virtually every 11 year old boy that I know. And that is quite a few of them.

[Anonymous]

00:11 again, to explain the med part.

My son has severe inattentive ADHD and we medicated him at 10.

The deficit in communication and social skills exists because of the ADHD brain, and meds can only partially compensate, depending on the severity of the disorder. In our case, medication helps my son focus and work quicker, which has been life-changing, but it does much less for his reading of others and his socialization.

I'm not saying OP's son wouldn't benefit from meds - but don't expect them to work instant miracles in the social realm.