Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This system works great for us. It isn't keeping score, it's designing a system that is fundamentally fair.

People who accuse others of keeping score usually aren't pulling their own weight.

Why does it have to be fundamentally fair? I'm the default parent because I have the more flexible job. If I demanded DH do equal tasks, it would eat up our family weekend time. How is that fair to the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go OP! I think what helps us is being 50/50 on the major items like daycare drop off/pickup and putting dd to bed. I take on tasks I think are fun (birthday present shopping, clothes shopping, cleaning the house) and he takes on ones he likes too (cooking, taking dd to the park, pediatrician visits). We reevaluate whenever one of us is treading water or upset.

This is OP. Your approach is what I am trying to emulate. I don't know why but we haven't had an actual conversation about how we split things up for a long time. Instead every so often I get mad at him about it, which is obviously not productive. I think talking it through is going to help a lot.

Good for you, OP! And good for your DH too.

I'll add, as you go through the transition, that my DH and I do "appreciations" at least once a week. We each list three things the other person has done that we really appreciate. DH often mentions things I've completely forgotten about. It makes me feel seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This system works great for us. It isn't keeping score, it's designing a system that is fundamentally fair.

People who accuse others of keeping score usually aren't pulling their own weight.

Why does it have to be fundamentally fair? I'm the default parent because I have the more flexible job. If I demanded DH do equal tasks, it would eat up our family weekend time. How is that fair to the family?

That's the fundamental fairness right there.

The point is that if things get totally out of whack, or if either partner is feeling overwhelmed or stressed, it's time to have a chat about it. I think the OP made her point in spades, and now she and her DH can address it relative to their larger work, life, health etc situations.

[Anonymous]

This sounds totally crazy, but whatever works for you.

I'm so glad I married an organized planner DH who likes to cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people who can't seem to buy shoes or birthday presents? Honestly, with Zappos and Amazon it takes me about an hour a year. Until I read DCUM it never occurred to me that this was a challenginf and time consuming chore!

My kid is skinny - his old underwear no longer fit and the next size up didn't fit either. He also ha some sensory issues. I purchased 5 different styles (and return) before we found something that worked.

I have another with a thick foot - he can't wear Keens. Taking him to the shoe store is not the answer - but all of the purchasing and returning and figuring out sizes takes a lot of energy.

It is easy - until you have anything outside of 'typical'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a reasonable approach as it considers both the volume of work and the importance of the work. Perhaps you guys will decide certain items can be removed from the list and you can reallocate the remaining items. The only thing I would add is give your DH the opportunity to add things to the list that he might be doing that you don't realize.

+1

I think a lot of guys don't see the work that exists unless it is (literally) in black and white.

Not dumb, nor demeaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This system works great for us. It isn't keeping score, it's designing a system that is fundamentally fair.

People who accuse others of keeping score usually aren't pulling their own weight.

Why does it have to be fundamentally fair? I'm the default parent because I have the more flexible job. If I demanded DH do equal tasks, it would eat up our family weekend time. How is that fair to the family?

50/50 tasks is not necessarily fundamental fairness. Fairness means each partner's contributions are fair in total. Some people are fine with being the default parent, others not, and it may or may not be fair depending on other factors. The point is, these systems can make the household more fair, and therefore the marriage happier, and should not be derided as mere scorekeeping. It is a way of ensuring that we treat each other well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

Eh, it doesn't have to be "keeping score." I started out doing something similar with my husband. Not too long after, we got into a groove and didn't need to reference the list. It feels natural now, and for many of the tasks, I couldn't even tell you now who was originally assigned. We've probably strayed, but it still feels like we're both contributing equally.

As long as OP's husband is fine with it, I don't see a problem with her list method. Whether that method becomes score keeping, I think, is more a matter of execution.

[Anonymous]

I did this as a first-time homeowner thing, feeling overwhelmed by all the tasks of maintaining the house. It has been really helpful to have it all on paper and assigned to a specific person so nothing gets dropped. After a few years it became routine.

[Anonymous]

I agree that things should be balanced. I just would never do what you did. It is just too controlling. I guess if it works with your DHs personality, great but it wouldn't fly with mine. Besides I just don't want to be the one pulling all those strings and then you will by default be the one to "enforce" when he doesn't do his scheduled task. The whole thing sounds shitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that things should be balanced. I just would never do what you did. It is just too controlling. I guess if it works with your DHs personality, great but it wouldn't fly with mine. Besides I just don't want to be the one pulling all those strings and then you will by default be the one to "enforce" when he doesn't do his scheduled task. The whole thing sounds shitty.

Right. It only works if your DH is a responsible adult who follows through on commitments. But some people have a different "personality".

[Anonymous]

You research dentists on a regular basis?

[Anonymous]

150 items. Lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.