Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation

[Anonymous]

Does he get stickers for doing his chores? My kids are really motivated by stickers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

Gah. "For me." No. For the family. And in this scenario, she's still the one who has to remember that it needs to happen. That's not good enough. He needs tasks he actually remembers to do and does.

Exactly. He needs to take responsibility of some things. Be a co-owner of the company and take responsibility for steering the ship, not an intern who waits to be given short-term tasks.

If you died, would your DH be able to handle things solo? Then he can handle things now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Right. I went on my dental insurance website, looked for something close to my house, called and made an appointment for me and my son. As I was leaving that appointment, I made one for my husband for the following week, and one for myself and DS six months later.

I don't throw this on my list of things I do because it trivializes the actual heavy lifting that I do. It sounds like OP and her husband were a lot closer to 50/50 than she wants to acknowledge.

Again, the point is that researching and setting up a dentist and appointments ONE TIME is not a big deal. Doing ALL the medical/health research, forms, appointments, insurance paperwork ... that can take up a LOT of time.

[Anonymous]

Jiffy Lube puts a sticker on the inside of my windshield to let me know about my next oil change. The mental load of keeping track of that would not fall on my list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

To me, the risk of picking a crappy pediatric dentist is pretty low. They're counting teeth and brushing...if I don't like them, I can go down the street. It's the same thing with people who interview pediatricians before their kid is born. Why not just pick out one who is well reviewed and go? If it's not a fit, then go to another.

\

And then have records transferred to the new one? This is the stuff that adds up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Right. I went on my dental insurance website, looked for something close to my house, called and made an appointment for me and my son. As I was leaving that appointment, I made one for my husband for the following week, and one for myself and DS six months later.

I don't throw this on my list of things I do because it trivializes the actual heavy lifting that I do. It sounds like OP and her husband were a lot closer to 50/50 than she wants to acknowledge.

Again, the point is that researching and setting up a dentist and appointments ONE TIME is not a big deal. Doing ALL the medical/health research, forms, appointments, insurance paperwork ... that can take up a LOT of time.

Posting on DCUM takes up a lot of time too. The struggle is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

To me, the risk of picking a crappy pediatric dentist is pretty low. They're counting teeth and brushing...if I don't like them, I can go down the street. It's the same thing with people who interview pediatricians before their kid is born. Why not just pick out one who is well reviewed and go? If it's not a fit, then go to another.

\

And then have records transferred to the new one? This is the stuff that adds up.

And then deal when they screw up the billing. And then make the next appointments, far enough in advance to get a good time slot. And then listen to DH whine that it's too far away and they were running late. And then they stop taking our insurance so we need a new one anyway. Repeat for orthodontist, eye doctor, gyn, derm, and pediatrician, and it's a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people who can't seem to buy shoes or birthday presents? Honestly, with Zappos and Amazon it takes me about an hour a year. Until I read DCUM it never occurred to me that this was a challenginf and time consuming chore!

My kid is skinny - his old underwear no longer fit and the next size up didn't fit either. He also ha some sensory issues. I purchased 5 different styles (and return) before we found something that worked.

I have another with a thick foot - he can't wear Keens. Taking him to the shoe store is not the answer - but all of the purchasing and returning and figuring out sizes takes a lot of energy.

It is easy - until you have anything outside of 'typical'

TIL You can return underwear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people who can't seem to buy shoes or birthday presents? Honestly, with Zappos and Amazon it takes me about an hour a year. Until I read DCUM it never occurred to me that this was a challenginf and time consuming chore!

My kid is skinny - his old underwear no longer fit and the next size up didn't fit either. He also ha some sensory issues. I purchased 5 different styles (and return) before we found something that worked.

I have another with a thick foot - he can't wear Keens. Taking him to the shoe store is not the answer - but all of the purchasing and returning and figuring out sizes takes a lot of energy.

It is easy - until you have anything outside of 'typical'

TIL You can return underwear.

It's gross, but yes, you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

To me, the risk of picking a crappy pediatric dentist is pretty low. They're counting teeth and brushing...if I don't like them, I can go down the street. It's the same thing with people who interview pediatricians before their kid is born. Why not just pick out one who is well reviewed and go? If it's not a fit, then go to another.

\

And then have records transferred to the new one? This is the stuff that adds up.

And then deal when they screw up the billing. And then make the next appointments, far enough in advance to get a good time slot. And then listen to DH whine that it's too far away and they were running late. And then they stop taking our insurance so we need a new one anyway. Repeat for orthodontist, eye doctor, gyn, derm, and pediatrician, and it's a lot.

What chore do you think is an equal trade for all the medical administration that you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

To me, the risk of picking a crappy pediatric dentist is pretty low. They're counting teeth and brushing...if I don't like them, I can go down the street. It's the same thing with people who interview pediatricians before their kid is born. Why not just pick out one who is well reviewed and go? If it's not a fit, then go to another.

\

And then have records transferred to the new one? This is the stuff that adds up.

And then deal when they screw up the billing. And then make the next appointments, far enough in advance to get a good time slot. And then listen to DH whine that it's too far away and they were running late. And then they stop taking our insurance so we need a new one anyway. Repeat for orthodontist, eye doctor, gyn, derm, and pediatrician, and it's a lot.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but nothing like this ever happens to me, or maybe I just don't notice. That's life.

[Anonymous]

It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

I also don't do all those things myself, and I also sought a spouse who I knew would be an equal-enough partner, or at least someone who paid close attention to details and knew how to get things done effectively. Which is why I'm the PP above-board that said to go to therapy if your husband is a disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

To me, the risk of picking a crappy pediatric dentist is pretty low. They're counting teeth and brushing...if I don't like them, I can go down the street. It's the same thing with people who interview pediatricians before their kid is born. Why not just pick out one who is well reviewed and go? If it's not a fit, then go to another.

\

And then have records transferred to the new one? This is the stuff that adds up.

And then deal when they screw up the billing. And then make the next appointments, far enough in advance to get a good time slot. And then listen to DH whine that it's too far away and they were running late. And then they stop taking our insurance so we need a new one anyway. Repeat for orthodontist, eye doctor, gyn, derm, and pediatrician, and it's a lot.

What chore do you think is an equal trade for all the medical administration that you do?

Not the OP, but I think dealing with Comcast is an equal trade for medical administration. Every time OP would complain about Comcast (when we used to subscribe to cable) I'd counter with, well, you won't believe what Blue Cross told me this time....