Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that things should be balanced. I just would never do what you did. It is just too controlling. I guess if it works with your DHs personality, great but it wouldn't fly with mine. Besides I just don't want to be the one pulling all those strings and then you will by default be the one to "enforce" when he doesn't do his scheduled task. The whole thing sounds shitty.

But I'm guessing your DH just naturally pulls his weight, or you have another method to make your DH do his share? It's like you can't conceive of being married to an adult male who's a total slacker, but some of us are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should change this topic name to "How to Make Your Husband Despise You and View You as Totally Unattractive."

Also, do you have a chart for who brings in percentenages of he income and how important it is?

It's more important for OP to do less work than have her husband view her as attractive. I bring in 55% of the household income and do 90% of the parenting/household stuff.

Yep, I'm the default parent and I make twice as much as my husband. Gotta say that it doesn't do much for his attractiveness in my eyes!

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

And if he says, "Sure," but then just doesn't get around to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

And if he says, "Sure," but then just doesn't get around to it?

Well then you need to go to marriage counseling because your DH is a total disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's silly and annoying to do that list, but I do also think that many parents who aren't the default really don't understand what being the default means.

I'm the default parent and do many of the above things, including researching dentists. Even when my DH takes my kid to the dentist, it is a place I picked, organized, scheduled appointments and it's just that for some reason I can't take the kid so I tell my husband where and when to go.

I think it's interesting and probably eye opening to the non-default parent to see all the tasks that really go into the simple teeth cleaning they attended once.

Don't flame me - I'm not saying my work as default is that hard, but it is time consuming and it is done on top of my real job. Also, researching a dentist may not be the world's most time consuming task but my kids see pediatricians, dentists, eye doctors and one sees an endocrinologist. One sees an ENT and one needs orthodics. That stuff adds up quickly, just in the medical area.

I think my DH and I are mostly happy with the division of household tasks (I do most kid related stuff, he does most house related stuff) but I do think many people forget how much work is entailed in being the default.

This is OP. This is the thing with the default parent tasks--none of them are that hard individually, but they add up in terms of time, your ability to focus at work, your free time, and your brain space. They mean there are a lot of household or kid-related "to-do" lists running through your head at all times. My point in making this admittedly very detailed chart is to have it be clear to both of us what all those small tasks are. I had not really realized what they all were until I typed them.

I think we will divide them up by categories for the most part. So, i.e., he may take over all medical scheduling (one of our kids also sees several specialists so there are a lot of appointments) or all bill paying. And some things that I currently do exclusively, like comb kids' hair and cut their fingernails, we will start to split 50/50 like we already do with bedtimes, bath, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's silly and annoying to do that list, but I do also think that many parents who aren't the default really don't understand what being the default means.

I'm the default parent and do many of the above things, including researching dentists. Even when my DH takes my kid to the dentist, it is a place I picked, organized, scheduled appointments and it's just that for some reason I can't take the kid so I tell my husband where and when to go.

I think it's interesting and probably eye opening to the non-default parent to see all the tasks that really go into the simple teeth cleaning they attended once.

Don't flame me - I'm not saying my work as default is that hard, but it is time consuming and it is done on top of my real job. Also, researching a dentist may not be the world's most time consuming task but my kids see pediatricians, dentists, eye doctors and one sees an endocrinologist. One sees an ENT and one needs orthodics. That stuff adds up quickly, just in the medical area.

I think my DH and I are mostly happy with the division of household tasks (I do most kid related stuff, he does most house related stuff) but I do think many people forget how much work is entailed in being the default.

This is OP. This is the thing with the default parent tasks--none of them are that hard individually, but they add up in terms of time, your ability to focus at work, your free time, and your brain space. They mean there are a lot of household or kid-related "to-do" lists running through your head at all times. My point in making this admittedly very detailed chart is to have it be clear to both of us what all those small tasks are. I had not really realized what they all were until I typed them.

I think we will divide them up by categories for the most part. So, i.e., he may take over all medical scheduling (one of our kids also sees several specialists so there are a lot of appointments) or all bill paying. And some things that I currently do exclusively, like comb kids' hair and cut their fingernails, we will start to split 50/50 like we already do with bedtimes, bath, etc.

The result of our task review was actually less 50/50ing of each task. That way we don't have to both monitor as many categories. I do all the fingernails. He does all the cooking and kitchen cleanup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

And if he says, "Sure," but then just doesn't get around to it?

Well then you need to go to marriage counseling because your DH is a total disappointment.

Been down the marriage counseling road. Therapist said after six months, take him or leave him, he's not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

No because then I am still the person who is in charge of knowing we need to find a new dentist and buy new shoes, and I am just "asking for help" with the execution of something that remains my responsibility. I want us to split things up so he will know they need a new dentist and notice their shoes are too small (for instance) and I can not worry about those topics at all, and not be asking for "help."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

And if he says, "Sure," but then just doesn't get around to it?

Well then you need to go to marriage counseling because your DH is a total disappointment.

+1. Then he is a man-baby who lacks the balls to say no, but lacks the character to follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Great, well, I have found finding a pediatric dentist to be much trickier and wanted more reliable sources than Yelp. Yes, once I found one, I didn't have to do it again. But the point is, it took around an hour all told, and I do stuff like that EVERY WEEK. It adds up. Nobody is saying that they spend hours every week researching dentists; but this is one example of they types of tasks that happen recurrently for the default parent.

To me, the risk of picking a crappy pediatric dentist is pretty low. They're counting teeth and brushing...if I don't like them, I can go down the street. It's the same thing with people who interview pediatricians before their kid is born. Why not just pick out one who is well reviewed and go? If it's not a fit, then go to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

Went to Yelp, saw a 5 star dentist in my neighborhood, looked up on insurance website, made an appointment. That was 3 years ago and it took 10 minutes. Dentist sends automated e-mail reminders and allows us to make appointments online. About 5 minutes every 6 months.

It's just the type of thing one does without really thinking about it. It's not even worth writing it down on a list and crossing it off.

Right. I went on my dental insurance website, looked for something close to my house, called and made an appointment for me and my son. As I was leaving that appointment, I made one for my husband for the following week, and one for myself and DS six months later.

I don't throw this on my list of things I do because it trivializes the actual heavy lifting that I do. It sounds like OP and her husband were a lot closer to 50/50 than she wants to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

It's not for OP. It's for the well-being of the entire family, the children in particular.

I've fixed this for you:

"DH, we need a rational allocation of household management tasks. How about if we come up with a responsibilities table so that neither of us feels overwhelmed?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

Gah. "For me." No. For the family. And in this scenario, she's still the one who has to remember that it needs to happen. That's not good enough. He needs tasks he actually remembers to do and does.