Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

Because patriarchy? Time studies show pretty consistently that working mothers bear a disproportionate share of the household labor. Absolutely I would advise a friend or daughter to take your approach, but it's not like this is an isolated case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

I also sought out a spouse who I know would be an equal partner, and this kind of tool is how we accomplish it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

I also don't do all those things myself, and I also sought a spouse who I knew would be an equal-enough partner, or at least someone who paid close attention to details and knew how to get things done effectively. Which is why I'm the PP above-board that said to go to therapy if your husband is a disappointment.

Hmm what do you think a therapist is going to say? It seems like trying to resolve the problem by creating a list and dividing things up is eminently reasonable and something any therapist would recommend. Not sure why people think OP's approach is crazy but a therapist is going to do anything differently ...

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

I also don't do all those things myself, and I also sought a spouse who I knew would be an equal-enough partner, or at least someone who paid close attention to details and knew how to get things done effectively. Which is why I'm the PP above-board that said to go to therapy if your husband is a disappointment.

Hmm what do you think a therapist is going to say? It seems like trying to resolve the problem by creating a list and dividing things up is eminently reasonable and something any therapist would recommend. Not sure why people think OP's approach is crazy but a therapist is going to do anything differently ...

Well, in one friend's case, the therapist helped them discuss it without all the built-up anger and resentment, like a mediator. Another helped the man come to terms with his ADD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

I also don't do all those things myself, and I also sought a spouse who I knew would be an equal-enough partner, or at least someone who paid close attention to details and knew how to get things done effectively. Which is why I'm the PP above-board that said to go to therapy if your husband is a disappointment.

This is the OP again. My husband is not a Neanderthal, and we did start our relationship with an equal distribution of labor. But it has gotten skewed over time, especially after we had kids and he for awhile worked much longer hours. Now we work about the same hours but I still do more of the work, especially kid-related. We haven't really talked about who does what in years for whatever reason. The elaborate chart is my way of having that conversation in a concrete way. I am a spreadsheet-loving person and my DH appreciates that. So this approach might not work for everyone, but I think it will for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

Honest truth? Because I wanted a good looking, brilliant, high earning, sexy DH. I thought as a reasonable person, he would reasonably see his way to doing an equal share of everything. We'd talked about it, in fact. Just didn't turn out that way. Surely your "equal partner" DH has some flaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?

Because other things in the relationship that were positive were more important at the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

Honest truth? Because I wanted a good looking, brilliant, high earning, sexy DH. I thought as a reasonable person, he would reasonably see his way to doing an equal share of everything. We'd talked about it, in fact. Just didn't turn out that way. Surely your "equal partner" DH has some flaws?

Well he's athletic, smart, ambitious, good looking and pulls his fair share of the load. They're not really mutually exclusive traits. He leaves his little shaving hairs in our sink, which makes me crazy, so it isn't all roses and sunshine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?

Yes. But he had a giant one-eyed wonder weasel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there are some women on this board who find it no big deal to work, order groceries, cook, clean, make all the medical appointments, bring the kids to the appointments, find backup care for days school is closed, leave work early when the nurse calls saying your kid has a fever, buy gifts for other kids' birthdays, plan your own kid's birthday party, get the car fixed, research summer camps, buy the kids' clothes and shoes and coats and backpacks, pack snacks, bring your kid to speech therapy, sign them up for swimming lessons, keep track of permission slips, and sign up to chaperone field trips. Etc. If that's you, awesome! But for some of us mortals it is a lot and we would like our partners to share the load.

Full disclosure, I don't do all those things. I actively sought out a spouse who I knew would be an equal partner and I'm just wondering why others didn't. That's why this version of scorekeeping seems so wacky to me.

Honest truth? Because I wanted a good looking, brilliant, high earning, sexy DH. I thought as a reasonable person, he would reasonably see his way to doing an equal share of everything. We'd talked about it, in fact. Just didn't turn out that way. Surely your "equal partner" DH has some flaws?

He does, but not anything that is super important to me, or I wouldn't have married him.

[Anonymous]

OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?

Ehh. I have an amazing husband who pulls his own weight. But if I didn't stay on it, he wouldn't realize when I have too many balls I'm trying to juggle. Sometimes husbands don't realize how hard or voluminous the work is. For instance, when dd was a newborn, DH had no idea how often i was up nursing her because he slept through it all. He kept telling everyone about what an easy newborn she was until I had to lose it on him. It was easy because I was nursing and doing 90%.

I think most women do 50% before kids, but once kids come along, the vast majority of extra responsibilities get shifted to women. I hosted a mom's party when our babies were 6 months old. Most of the women there said their husbands had never put their 6 months olds to sleep before. I can't imagine 6 months of a husband NEVER putting their baby to sleep. Insane. And I'm nursing so I understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.

Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people who can't seem to buy shoes or birthday presents? Honestly, with Zappos and Amazon it takes me about an hour a year. Until I read DCUM it never occurred to me that this was a challenginf and time consuming chore!

Oh you have a Brannick device at home to measure your childrens' feet, and know which shoe brands run large or small? Is that how you can order shoes without actually taking your children to the store to try shoes on?

They always where the same brand shoe because I know it fits width-wise and I have a plastic shoe sizer that can be bought on Amazon. This is not rocket science. I agree you can overly complicate your life if you want, but I chose not to.