Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation

[Anonymous]

You would be the first wife ever in history to fix this. Yeah, I'm not optimistic. I've been the default parent for 18 years. But good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should change this topic name to "How to Make Your Husband Despise You and View You as Totally Unattractive."

Also, do you have a chart for who brings in percentenages of he income and how important it is?

It's more important for OP to do less work than have her husband view her as attractive. I bring in 55% of the household income and do 90% of the parenting/household stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Because some of us aren't in healthy marriages? Because it would be healthier if the wife weren't always being taken advantage of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people who can't seem to buy shoes or birthday presents? Honestly, with Zappos and Amazon it takes me about an hour a year. Until I read DCUM it never occurred to me that this was a challenginf and time consuming chore!

Oh you have a Brannick device at home to measure your childrens' feet, and know which shoe brands run large or small? Is that how you can order shoes without actually taking your children to the store to try shoes on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

...? How else do you find a dentist? It's not like they fall from the sky. You have to figure out which ones are actually good dentists, which are close enough to be feasible, which take your insurance or have reasonable prices ... ideally this is a one-time project, but it still takes time. And if you're the one who ALWAYS does this sort of task, it definitely adds up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should change this topic name to "How to Make Your Husband Despise You and View You as Totally Unattractive."

Also, do you have a chart for who brings in percentenages of he income and how important it is?

It's more important for OP to do less work than have her husband view her as attractive. I bring in 55% of the household income and do 90% of the parenting/household stuff.

Yep, I'm the default parent and I make twice as much as my husband. Gotta say that it doesn't do much for his attractiveness in my eyes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This system works great for us. It isn't keeping score, it's designing a system that is fundamentally fair.

People who accuse others of keeping score usually aren't pulling their own weight.

Why does it have to be fundamentally fair? I'm the default parent because I have the more flexible job. If I demanded DH do equal tasks, it would eat up our family weekend time. How is that fair to the family?

My husband and I are both gone from the house about 50 hours a week for our jobs/commutes, and we bring in about the same income. Neither of us wants to do household tasks. I don't see how you could avoid resentment if it doesn't have to be fundamentally fair.

By "more flexible job," do you mean you work fewer hours and make substantially less money ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

[Anonymous]

I think it's silly and annoying to do that list, but I do also think that many parents who aren't the default really don't understand what being the default means.

I'm the default parent and do many of the above things, including researching dentists. Even when my DH takes my kid to the dentist, it is a place I picked, organized, scheduled appointments and it's just that for some reason I can't take the kid so I tell my husband where and when to go.

I think it's interesting and probably eye opening to the non-default parent to see all the tasks that really go into the simple teeth cleaning they attended once.

Don't flame me - I'm not saying my work as default is that hard, but it is time consuming and it is done on top of my real job. Also, researching a dentist may not be the world's most time consuming task but my kids see pediatricians, dentists, eye doctors and one sees an endocrinologist. One sees an ENT and one needs orthodics. That stuff adds up quickly, just in the medical area.

I think my DH and I are mostly happy with the division of household tasks (I do most kid related stuff, he does most house related stuff) but I do think many people forget how much work is entailed in being the default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Because some of us aren't in healthy marriages? Because it would be healthier if the wife weren't always being taken advantage of?

It is not scorekeeping, it is making a realistic plan for taking care of household business. We use it as a way to eliminate tasks, assess priorities, and generally make sure that balls don't get dropped. It helps the marriage to have it all on paper rather than swirling around in the wife's head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

+1 Researching dentists? You are making up reasons to make yourself feel valued.

This This This!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Your idea is good OP! DCUM thinks you should just quit work so you can take care of it all instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds totally crazy, but whatever works for you.

I'm so glad I married an organized planner DH who likes to cook.

Ha ha, that's funny. My DH is not organized, hard working, a planner or a cook. Hoo boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand how people in healthy marriages think keeping score is a good thing.

Same here. And 150 items? Wow. That is nuts. Maybe if the list only had 20 items, that would make sense, but if you're getting into the minutiae, you are trying too hard to prove a point--that you are resentful that your DH doesn't recognize your worth.

So how do you suggest getting a DH to pull his weight to prevent his wife from resenting him? All ears here.

Easy: "DH, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the shoe shopping and dentist researching I have been doing lately. Would you mind taking care of those tasks for me?"

That doesn't come anywhere close to solving the actual problem, which is DH not knowing how much work it takes to run the household, and willingly taking on his fair share. The DW shouldn't have to "ask for help" as if it were all her responsibility!