Is a push/grab worth leaving fiance?

[Anonymous]

JFC stop making excuses PP and blaming the victim!

It's never ok to hurt someone. Full stop. If one of my kids said that their spouse did this to them...I would be in the car on the way to get them and the baby. And only advise them to let the abusive spouse back into their lIves after counselling and anger management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say that he has been trying to approach you since the incident and that you have not been receptive. I think it's important to recognize the difference between someone who reacts badly from a place of anger and stress who regrets that reaction and someone who takes their frustration out on you without regret. Obviously, abusers can demonstrate regret, but in the incident you describe, you are both exhausted from sleep deprivation, were having a disagreement about that, you raised your voice, he pushed/grabbed you in response, and now that he's trying to talk to you, you're ignoring him.

It doesn't sound like either one of you is in a great place right now. Any chance you can try to get some rest and hit a reset button and have a conversation about how to manage high emotions at a time when emotions aren't running high? I don't know that leaving is the answer at this point, but I do think it's time for a conversation about stress management.

So what were the excuses before the baby came?

OP, ignore the excuse making poster above. Instead, take a look at real information from real professionals. There is a number at the bottom to call and talk through your situation. Best of luck to you. Please call the hotline number.

Anyone can be an abuser. They come from all groups, all cultures, all religions, all economic levels, and all backgrounds. They can be your neighbor, your pastor, your friend, your child's teacher, a relative, a coworker -- anyone. It is important to note that the majority of abusers are only violent with their current or past intimate partners. One study found 90% of abusers do not have criminal records and abusers are generally law-abiding outside the home.

There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. However, they do often display common characteristics.

An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members.
An abuser objectifies the victim and often sees them as their property or sexual objects.
An abuser has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He or she may appear successful, but internally, they feel inadequate.
An abuser externalizes the causes of their behavior. They blame their violence on circumstances such as stress, their partner's behavior, a "bad day," on alcohol, drugs, or other factors.
An abuser may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence and is often seen as a "nice person" to others outside the relationship.

Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:

Extreme jealousy
Possessiveness
Unpredictability
A bad temper
Cruelty to animals
Verbal abuse
Extremely controlling behavior
Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex
Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school
Controls all the finances
Abuse of other family members, children or pets
Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
Control of what the victim wears and how they act
Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
Harassment of the victim at work
For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now.

[Anonymous]

Demand he get therapy to deal with his issues. Stress from baby can make people do things they wouldn't normally do, but it sounds like he needs help dealing with it. If he refuses, I would not stay with him.

[Anonymous]

PPs saying she shouldn't have raised her voice - AYFKM? Just no. People get emotional and sometimes raise their voice. That in no way merits being assaulted, and yes, that's what it was. Let me ask you PPs - if you were standing in line at Starbucks and someone grabbed and shoved you, would you be OK with that?

Didn't think so.

OP, I'd consider a separation. Given the other red flags, no way would I trust being around him. It is in fact escalating. Most if not all parents are sleep deprived, and don't assault the other one.

[Anonymous]

Nether of you is at your best, but only one of you resorted to physical violence. He is in the "regret and charm" cycle of domestic violence now, but he won't stay there forever.

Please make serious, long term plans to leave, including consulting with a lawyer about your rights.

[Anonymous]

HE GRABBED YOIR ARM AND PUSHED YOU WHILE HE WAS HILDING YOIR CHILD!!!

You know what you need to do OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you should leave him alone when he's stressed.

There's some merit to this. He shouldn't act out like he did, but you need to recognize when he's overwhelmed.

Parenting 101. You're going to be overwhelmed for the first 3 years. Adults need to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nether of you is at your best, but only one of you resorted to physical violence. He is in the "regret and charm" cycle of domestic violence now, but he won't stay there forever.

Please make serious, long term plans to leave, including consulting with a lawyer about your rights.

OR they are both stressed out and exhausted due to having an infant, and he is actually regretful. I still recommend going to counseling and insisting on anger management work for him. If he's not willing to do those things, then yes, leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say that he has been trying to approach you since the incident and that you have not been receptive. I think it's important to recognize the difference between someone who reacts badly from a place of anger and stress who regrets that reaction and someone who takes their frustration out on you without regret. Obviously, abusers can demonstrate regret, but in the incident you describe, you are both exhausted from sleep deprivation, were having a disagreement about that, you raised your voice, he pushed/grabbed you in response, and now that he's trying to talk to you, you're ignoring him.

It doesn't sound like either one of you is in a great place right now. Any chance you can try to get some rest and hit a reset button and have a conversation about how to manage high emotions at a time when emotions aren't running high? I don't know that leaving is the answer at this point, but I do think it's time for a conversation about stress management.

It's beyond conversation time. It's time for counseling. I don't know that I would leave yet unless there are other signs of abuse. If he is unwilling to go to counseling then I would be out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you should leave him alone when he's stressed.

There's some merit to this. He shouldn't act out like he did, but you need to recognize when he's overwhelmed.

Parenting 101. You're going to be overwhelmed for the first 3 years. Adults need to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

+1

This is bullsh*t. When my spouse is stressed, I do leave him alone. But it's not because he might grab me and push me!!! People get stressed ALL THE TIME. They don't response by grabbing people.

Please tell me if someone did this to you at work, you'd be okay with it?
"BUT he was stressed, and you didn't recognize that he was overwhelmed."
So again, are you okay with someone grabbing and shoving you at work, even though he's stressed??

I'll wait for your response PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you should leave him alone when he's stressed.

There's some merit to this. He shouldn't act out like he did, but you need to recognize when he's overwhelmed.

Parenting 101. You're going to be overwhelmed for the first 3 years. Adults need to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

+1

This is bullsh*t. When my spouse is stressed, I do leave him alone. But it's not because he might grab me and push me!!! People get stressed ALL THE TIME. They don't response by grabbing people.

Please tell me if someone did this to you at work, you'd be okay with it?
"BUT he was stressed, and you didn't recognize that he was overwhelmed."
So again, are you okay with someone grabbing and shoving you at work, even though he's stressed??

I'll wait for your response PPs.

I don't think that's a good analogy. There are a lot of things that I would not be comfortable with a colleague doing that my spouse does, stressed or otherwise. In an intimate relationship, both partners need to be able to and learn how to communicate about their stress level without acting out. People do not always behave perfectly. There are some people here who freak out at the idea of one spouse speaking meanly to another, or using profanity, or calling a name. Not all abuse is created equally. OP's post includes some information about prior issues they've had, but I still think that if the OP wants to stay in the relationship, it may be possible to fix the issues they're dealing with in therapy. If the OP doesn't want to stay in the relationship or there are other things going on that she didn't mention, then sure, leave. Having a baby with someone doesn't mean that you have to tolerate awful treatment, but having a baby with someone also means that you shouldn't throw away a relationship before attempting to fix the issues in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Why are you reading about domestic violence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HE GRABBED YOIR ARM AND PUSHED YOU WHILE HE WAS HILDING YOIR CHILD!!!

You know what you need to do OP.

no she doesn't, that's why she's posting anonymously on the internet so she can get advice from other anonymous posters.

[Anonymous]

I would insist on counseling.

Beware of the "OMG LEAVE HIM NOW" crowd. It's the easiest thing in the world to tell an anonymous person to dump someone. The posters here won't have to live with the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say that he has been trying to approach you since the incident and that you have not been receptive. I think it's important to recognize the difference between someone who reacts badly from a place of anger and stress who regrets that reaction and someone who takes their frustration out on you without regret. Obviously, abusers can demonstrate regret, but in the incident you describe, you are both exhausted from sleep deprivation, were having a disagreement about that, you raised your voice, he pushed/grabbed you in response, and now that he's trying to talk to you, you're ignoring him.

It doesn't sound like either one of you is in a great place right now. Any chance you can try to get some rest and hit a reset button and have a conversation about how to manage high emotions at a time when emotions aren't running high? I don't know that leaving is the answer at this point, but I do think it's time for a conversation about stress management.

This is terrible advice. The cycle of abuse and regret is a classic part of the abusive cycle. OP is refusing to discuss because there is nothing to discuss. There is no excuse for the several forms of abuse she mentioned (pushing, putting hole in wall, throwing objects, etc.)

Others who blame OP for not stopping in the argument or not talking to DH or being sleep deprived or even being abusive herself by yelling are just blaming the victim. There is no excuse for abuse. I don't care how much someone is yelling at me, I am not going to hit them or physically touch them, because that is not an appropriate way to handle conflict.

OP, please go to loveisrespect.org for some good advice on abuse in relationships.