When to tell kids about remarriage plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a stepparent, but child of divorce and both of my parents remarried. My dad eloped and didn't involve us and it was awful. My mom had us as her wedding party and it was awesome. If you really want to do get married, you need to make the kids part of it and not just tell them its happening on this date. Let them help you plan, etc.

OP here, I definitely want the kids very involved! My older daughter is a great planner and the younger ones are very creative. They would be our wedding party for sure. I want them to do and wear whatever they want. I'm just not sure what's optimal about when to tell them.

My daughters really like him - we share a lot of common interests and the same sense of humor.

What really matter is what they want, not what you want. Do not tart them up into some gross "We're so happy! Children are resilient!" dog and pony show if they don't actually want to do it. I look back on my parents' remarriages and cringe that I was dumb enough to play along.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that because they don't mind having him around sometimes, they want their home to be permanently changed and disrupted by him moving in. You seem overly optimistic and naive about this.

I'm really not tarting anything up, I'm trying to gather information. I know that it will be a big change and I have read just about every book on the subject. We're joining a stepparenting support group as well. We will go as slowly as needed. I know it will be a huge change for them, and that's why I'm seeking other's input about how they did it.

[Anonymous]

I remarried a man who brought two kids with him, and I agree nine months is too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.

Hi, his daughter's school will not change - she goes to a school zoned to where her mom lives and he would drive her. I live closer to DDs mom and school than he does, so he will actually get to see her more by living at my place. She will have her own room and share a bathroom with my same-aged daughter (they are 6).

We both grew up with siblings so we know that kids fight. We know that we need to pay close attention when they are together to make sure that they are treating each other respectfully.

Since we both have 50-50 custody, we are able to have them together on the same schedule, or on opposite schedules. We're open to whatever works. We know that biological parents need lots of one-on-one time with their kids and we have thought about ways to ensure that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.

OP here again, just forgot to address the other part of your comment. I don't mean to be judgmental about cohabitation, it would probably be a good idea in many situations.

There is no compelling reason for us to get married this summer - we can really wait as long as we want. I think our situation makes us feel like we have known each other for a lot longer since we spend all day together at work, and many nights together. But I can see how it might seem crazy to others.

Another alternative that we do have is that I have a finished basement that is almost completely unused - it is basically an apartment with bedroom, full bath, large living area - even has a fridge. It is probably as big as the apartment he is living in now. He could "rent" that from me so that everyone would be in the same house but not as integrated as if we were married. That is one option we are considering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.

OP here again, just forgot to address the other part of your comment. I don't mean to be judgmental about cohabitation, it would probably be a good idea in many situations.

There is no compelling reason for us to get married this summer - we can really wait as long as we want. I think our situation makes us feel like we have known each other for a lot longer since we spend all day together at work, and many nights together. But I can see how it might seem crazy to others.

Another alternative that we do have is that I have a finished basement that is almost completely unused - it is basically an apartment with bedroom, full bath, large living area - even has a fridge. It is probably as big as the apartment he is living in now. He could "rent" that from me so that everyone would be in the same house but not as integrated as if we were married. That is one option we are considering.

PP here. It's good that you're considering so many options. I think the basement apartment thing sounds kind of crazy, though. I think all the kids will be confused about why he lives in the basement and not in the main house with the rest of you. I would approach moving into together/marrying gradually. Personally, I think that it would probably be good to have some overnights where you are all in the house together so that that isn't totally new for the kids when you marry, but I can also see how that might be kind of confusing, if your party line is that it shouldn't happen until you marry. But honestly, it sounds like you are being thoughtful about the whole situation and I think that as long as you're paying attention to how all the kids are actually reacting to things (vs. how you hope they'll react), it'll be fine.

As for kid conflict, I have two siblings, so I definitely know that kids don't always agree. Also that discipline has to happen. I just would hate to see you run into a situation where one of y'all's daughters feels slighted because it seems like their parent is taking someone else's side a lot. I also cannot stress enough how important it is that you both continue to do stuff independently with your own kids as well as together as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.

OP here again, just forgot to address the other part of your comment. I don't mean to be judgmental about cohabitation, it would probably be a good idea in many situations.

There is no compelling reason for us to get married this summer - we can really wait as long as we want. I think our situation makes us feel like we have known each other for a lot longer since we spend all day together at work, and many nights together. But I can see how it might seem crazy to others.

Another alternative that we do have is that I have a finished basement that is almost completely unused - it is basically an apartment with bedroom, full bath, large living area - even has a fridge. It is probably as big as the apartment he is living in now. He could "rent" that from me so that everyone would be in the same house but not as integrated as if we were married. That is one option we are considering.

PP here. It's good that you're considering so many options. I think the basement apartment thing sounds kind of crazy, though. I think all the kids will be confused about why he lives in the basement and not in the main house with the rest of you. I would approach moving into together/marrying gradually. Personally, I think that it would probably be good to have some overnights where you are all in the house together so that that isn't totally new for the kids when you marry, but I can also see how that might be kind of confusing, if your party line is that it shouldn't happen until you marry. But honestly, it sounds like you are being thoughtful about the whole situation and I think that as long as you're paying attention to how all the kids are actually reacting to things (vs. how you hope they'll react), it'll be fine.

As for kid conflict, I have two siblings, so I definitely know that kids don't always agree. Also that discipline has to happen. I just would hate to see you run into a situation where one of y'all's daughters feels slighted because it seems like their parent is taking someone else's side a lot. I also cannot stress enough how important it is that you both continue to do stuff independently with your own kids as well as together as a family.

Thanks, I really appreciate your thoughts!

I have a relative who was brought up in a stepfamily and it really messed her up, so I think I can be sensitive to what the kids will be going through. I wouldn't enter into any step-type relationship unless I was sure that I could treat the kids equally. We've done a lot of reading about this and have have some occasions to practice it when the kids have had disagreements. I know it will get harder when we are all living together, but we are both on the same page that treating kids equally and making sure everyone gets what they need is our first priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

Yes, but getting married in order to cohabitate also sets a bad example. I say this as someone who lived with a partner. I would never want my daughter to live with someone until after they had discussed marriage extensively -- where they would live, how they would divide chores, finances, life goals, obligations to family, future children, childcare, etc. -- and even then I would advocate that my daughter keep her own apartment while "living tougher " with someone and not live with anyone unless there was a firm intention to marry and a timeline for the "living together."

I say this not for moral reasons, but because I think it is too easy for either person in the couple to say they want to marry without really thinking through what that means practically speaking. Once you start living together inertia takes over and it becomes very difficult to unwind. In cohabitation and marriage, women are often asked to make compromises and take on responsibilities that affect their own opportunities, and IMO, that is really something that one does only in the context of an explicit long term commitment with someone who is also making compromises and taking on responsibilities for you.

You need to think more complexly about the example you are setting for your kids. For me, it would be more important to set the example that I am really thinking hard about marriage and whether this marriage has the necessary elements to last, rather then some simplistic idea of "oh, no, the kids shouldn't see us sleeping together before marriage".

But, then again, I am one who expects that my daughter will have sexual relationships before marriage. I'm not so worried about the example of sleeping together. I am more worried about the example of taking the necessary time to ensure that the relationship has a solid foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example.

Yes, but getting married in order to cohabitate also sets a bad example. I say this as someone who lived with a partner. I would never want my daughter to live with someone until after they had discussed marriage extensively -- where they would live, how they would divide chores, finances, life goals, obligations to family, future children, childcare, etc. -- and even then I would advocate that my daughter keep her own apartment while "living tougher " with someone and not live with anyone unless there was a firm intention to marry and a timeline for the "living together."

I say this not for moral reasons, but because I think it is too easy for either person in the couple to say they want to marry without really thinking through what that means practically speaking. Once you start living together inertia takes over and it becomes very difficult to unwind. In cohabitation and marriage, women are often asked to make compromises and take on responsibilities that affect their own opportunities, and IMO, that is really something that one does only in the context of an explicit long term commitment with someone who is also making compromises and taking on responsibilities for you.

You need to think more complexly about the example you are setting for your kids. For me, it would be more important to set the example that I am really thinking hard about marriage and whether this marriage has the necessary elements to last, rather then some simplistic idea of "oh, no, the kids shouldn't see us sleeping together before marriage".

But, then again, I am one who expects that my daughter will have sexual relationships before marriage. I'm not so worried about the example of sleeping together. I am more worried about the example of taking the necessary time to ensure that the relationship has a solid foundation.

Op here, thanks for your comments. As I said earlier, there is no rush and we can take as long as we want to marry. We have known each other a long time and also work together all day, so most of my waking hours and about half of my night hours are spent with him. So I think we have gotten to know each other much faster than the average dating couple. But obviously, there is always more to know.

[Anonymous]

If there is no compelling reason to get married now then please wait. You are in love and you believe that all things will work out and be good, that's how we operate when we are madly in love. That notion is fine when it's just the 2 of you but the dynamics of step siblings and step parents is one of the most difficult dynamics to live with. When the failure rate is that high (67%) please remember that the percentage who stay together are not necessarily happy either, they just might not want to put the kids through a second divorce.

It's not about siblings fighting, it's about fierce loyalty that each of you will have for your own child and how that loyalty will divide the two of you in ways you cannot imagine. Throw two exes into the mix and you will begin to see why being in love with each other is only one small piece of making a blended family successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is no compelling reason to get married now then please wait. You are in love and you believe that all things will work out and be good, that's how we operate when we are madly in love. That notion is fine when it's just the 2 of you but the dynamics of step siblings and step parents is one of the most difficult dynamics to live with. When the failure rate is that high (67%) please remember that the percentage who stay together are not necessarily happy either, they just might not want to put the kids through a second divorce.

It's not about siblings fighting, it's about fierce loyalty that each of you will have for your own child and how that loyalty will divide the two of you in ways you cannot imagine. Throw two exes into the mix and you will begin to see why being in love with each other is only one small piece of making a blended family successful.

I agree with you, I have decided to wait at least an additional year to see how things go. The loyalty thing is my biggest concern, I do worry that it will tear us apart if we are not really aware all the time of the dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is no compelling reason to get married now then please wait. You are in love and you believe that all things will work out and be good, that's how we operate when we are madly in love. That notion is fine when it's just the 2 of you but the dynamics of step siblings and step parents is one of the most difficult dynamics to live with. When the failure rate is that high (67%) please remember that the percentage who stay together are not necessarily happy either, they just might not want to put the kids through a second divorce.

It's not about siblings fighting, it's about fierce loyalty that each of you will have for your own child and how that loyalty will divide the two of you in ways you cannot imagine. Throw two exes into the mix and you will begin to see why being in love with each other is only one small piece of making a blended family successful.

I agree with you, I have decided to wait at least an additional year to see how things go. The loyalty thing is my biggest concern, I do worry that it will tear us apart if we are not really aware all the time of the dynamics.

I'm glad that you heard me. There will be some that will troll to say nasty things because it's "fun" and there are those who will tell you what we know because we have lived it. Being in love, strong sexual connection, these things are powerful. But when you have 2 parents who will always see things through the eyes of their own child, and have exes who will be pressuring them to do just that, it's a very different experience. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is no compelling reason to get married now then please wait. You are in love and you believe that all things will work out and be good, that's how we operate when we are madly in love. That notion is fine when it's just the 2 of you but the dynamics of step siblings and step parents is one of the most difficult dynamics to live with. When the failure rate is that high (67%) please remember that the percentage who stay together are not necessarily happy either, they just might not want to put the kids through a second divorce.

It's not about siblings fighting, it's about fierce loyalty that each of you will have for your own child and how that loyalty will divide the two of you in ways you cannot imagine. Throw two exes into the mix and you will begin to see why being in love with each other is only one small piece of making a blended family successful.

I agree with you, I have decided to wait at least an additional year to see how things go. The loyalty thing is my biggest concern, I do worry that it will tear us apart if we are not really aware all the time of the dynamics.

I'm glad that you heard me. There will be some that will troll to say nasty things because it's "fun" and there are those who will tell you what we know because we have lived it. Being in love, strong sexual connection, these things are powerful. But when you have 2 parents who will always see things through the eyes of their own child, and have exes who will be pressuring them to do just that, it's a very different experience. Good luck to you!

I agree. We are fortunate that we both get along with our exes and that we have some schedule flexibility, but these things could change. We're are going to premarital counseling and also joining a step parenting support group in Arlington so that are really primed for handling these inevitable issues.

[Anonymous]

Are either of your exes remarried, or would you two be the first? That's not a bad thing but it does mean your kids will/won't have had experience with this kind of changed dynamic.