Reply to When to tell kids about remarriage plans?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?[/quote]

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?[/quote]

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.[/quote]

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.[/quote]

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example. [/quote]

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.[/quote]

Hi, his daughter's school will not change - she goes to a school zoned to where her mom lives and he would drive her. I live closer to DDs mom and school than he does, so he will actually get to see her more by living at my place. She will have her own room and share a bathroom with my same-aged daughter (they are 6).

We both grew up with siblings so we know that kids fight. We know that we need to pay close attention when they are together to make sure that they are treating each other respectfully.

Since we both have 50-50 custody, we are able to have them together on the same schedule, or on opposite schedules. We're open to whatever works. We know that biological parents need lots of one-on-one time with their kids and we have thought about ways to ensure that.
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