Reply to When to tell kids about remarriage plans?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?[/quote]

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?[/quote]

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.[/quote]

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.[/quote]

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example. [/quote]

Yes, but getting married in order to cohabitate also sets a bad example.  I say this as someone who lived with a partner.  I would never want my daughter to live with someone until after they had discussed marriage extensively -- where they would live, how they would divide chores, finances, life goals, obligations to family, future children, childcare, etc. -- and even then I would advocate that my daughter keep her own apartment while "living tougher " with someone and not live with anyone unless there was a firm intention to marry and a timeline for the "living together."

I say this not for moral reasons, but because I think it is too easy for either person in the couple to say they want to marry without really thinking through what that means practically speaking.  Once you start living together inertia takes over and it becomes very difficult to unwind.   In cohabitation and marriage, women are often asked to make compromises and take on responsibilities that affect their own opportunities, and IMO, that is really something that one does only in the context of an explicit long term commitment with someone who is also making compromises and taking on responsibilities for you.

You need to think more complexly about the example you are setting for your kids.  For me, it would be more important to set the example that I am really thinking hard about marriage and whether this marriage has the necessary elements to last, rather then some simplistic idea of "oh, no, the kids shouldn't see us sleeping together before marriage".

But, then again, I am one who expects that my daughter will have sexual relationships before marriage.  I'm not so worried about the example of sleeping together.  I am more worried about the example of taking the necessary time to ensure that the relationship has a solid foundation. [/quote]

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