Reply to When to tell kids about remarriage plans?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?[/quote]

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?[/quote]

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.[/quote]

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.[/quote]

Hi, I am 46 so I don't think additional children are even possible (and we don't want them). My house has an extra bedroom, so his daughter would have her own room.

I know that many people would live together for a while in this situation, but I feel like since we have daughters, cohabitation is setting a bad example. [/quote]

I can see why you'd feel that it was setting a bad example, but I think that it's pretty hard to know how someone will be to live with unless you've lived with them. More so if you've only been together a short while. I think if you're concerned about setting a bad example, marrying someone you've been dating for like a year is also a bad example. Both seem like rushing in.

I think that with kids, the thing that is the most important for them is how their lives will change. So how will his daughter's life change? Will she go to the same school? Will she have her own space? Will she still get time together with her dad that she doesn't have to share with you and your daughters? What happens if she gets into a fight with you or your daughters - will her dad be on her side? Ditto for your girls. Those are the things that are important.[/quote]

OP here again, just forgot to address the other part of your comment. I don't mean to be judgmental about cohabitation, it would probably be a good idea in many situations.

There is no compelling reason for us to get married this summer - we can really wait as long as we want. I think our situation makes us feel like we have known each other for a lot longer since we spend all day together at work, and many nights together. But I can see how it might seem crazy to others.

Another alternative that we do have is that I have a finished basement that is almost completely unused - it is basically an apartment with bedroom, full bath, large living area - even has a fridge. It is probably as big as the apartment he is living in now. He could "rent" that from me so that everyone would be in the same house but not as integrated as if we were married. That is one option we are considering.[/quote]

PP here. It's good that you're considering so many options. I think the basement apartment thing sounds kind of crazy, though. I think all the kids will be confused about why he lives in the basement and not in the main house with the rest of you. I would approach moving into together/marrying gradually. Personally, I think that it would probably be good to have some overnights where you are all in the house together so that that isn't totally new for the kids when you marry, but I can also see how that might be kind of confusing, if your party line is that it shouldn't happen until you marry. But honestly, it sounds like you are being thoughtful about the whole situation and I think that as long as you're paying attention to how all the kids are actually reacting to things (vs. how you hope they'll react), it'll be fine.

As for kid conflict, I have two siblings, so I definitely know that kids don't always agree. Also that discipline has to happen. I just would hate to see you run into a situation where one of y'all's daughters feels slighted because it seems like their parent is taking someone else's side a lot. I also cannot stress enough how important it is that you both continue to do stuff independently with your own kids as well as together as a family. [/quote]

Thanks, I really appreciate your thoughts!

I have a relative who was brought up in a stepfamily and it really messed her up, so I think I can be sensitive to what the kids will be going through. I wouldn't enter into any step-type relationship unless I was sure that I could treat the kids equally. We've done a lot of reading about this and have have some occasions to practice it when the kids have had disagreements. I know it will get harder when we are all living together, but we are both on the same page that treating kids equally and making sure everyone gets what they need is our first priority.
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