When to tell kids about remarriage plans?

[Anonymous]

I have been dating someone for about nine months - we not only date but also work together all day, so we have gotten to spend a lot more time together than the average dating couple. We also knew each other before dating (mutual friends). I have two kids and he has one, all elementary age. The kids have been having playdates together for about five months and get along well.

We were hoping to get married this summer but I am wondering if that is too soon. We only recently told the kids that we were dating.

I have read that it is better not to give them a ton of time before a big change (more time for them to worry), but I'm wondering how much time is needed.

Opinions? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Nine months is not enough time. Give it another year at the very least.

During that time, have the kids spend lots of time together. Ask your kids what they think.

You do know that your chances of divorce are very high, don't you? 67-80%?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nine months is not enough time. Give it another year at the very least.

During that time, have the kids spend lots of time together. Ask your kids what they think.

You do know that your chances of divorce are very high, don't you? 67-80%?

Yes, I have heard the 67 percent statistic - however we have a lot of flexibility in our arrangements. We both have 50/50 custody so if the kids are a disaster we can have them be with us on different days. He's also amazing with kids (was a teacher) so enjoys the chaos. We're very compatible emotionally and work well as a team.

[Anonymous]

9 months is way too early with 3 kids involved!! Do a vacation/overnights first this summer and take your time. I didn't know the stats quoted above - but it sounds about right, with 2 divorced parents and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9 months is way too early with 3 kids involved!! Do a vacation/overnights first this summer and take your time. I didn't know the stats quoted above - but it sounds about right, with 2 divorced parents and kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9 months is way too early with 3 kids involved!! Do a vacation/overnights first this summer and take your time. I didn't know the stats quoted above - but it sounds about right, with 2 divorced parents and kids.

+1

+1. 9 months is not enough time and it doesn't matter how well you knew each other before. Dating is different. You need at least a year, preferably more, to see how you get through tough times and what his ex is really like.

This is going to be a very logistically complex parenting arrangemen across three households. Take some time to think it through.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

[Anonymous]

I'm not a stepparent, but child of divorce and both of my parents remarried. My dad eloped and didn't involve us and it was awful. My mom had us as her wedding party and it was awesome. If you really want to do get married, you need to make the kids part of it and not just tell them its happening on this date. Let them help you plan, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

In elementary school, I would say a few months is enough, although it depends on whether you already live together. Remember, you are massively disrupting their short lives AGAIN, and while you hope this will be good for them, it might turn out to be bad. Regardless, you have not been dating for long enough to get married. Remarriage with children is a lot bigger deal than you seem to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a stepparent, but child of divorce and both of my parents remarried. My dad eloped and didn't involve us and it was awful. My mom had us as her wedding party and it was awesome. If you really want to do get married, you need to make the kids part of it and not just tell them its happening on this date. Let them help you plan, etc.

It depends on if they like the new person and support the marriage. If they do not, no amount of advance notice or inclusion will change it. So focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a stepparent, but child of divorce and both of my parents remarried. My dad eloped and didn't involve us and it was awful. My mom had us as her wedding party and it was awesome. If you really want to do get married, you need to make the kids part of it and not just tell them its happening on this date. Let them help you plan, etc.

OP here, I definitely want the kids very involved! My older daughter is a great planner and the younger ones are very creative. They would be our wedding party for sure. I want them to do and wear whatever they want. I'm just not sure what's optimal about when to tell them.

My daughters really like him - we share a lot of common interests and the same sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a stepparent, but child of divorce and both of my parents remarried. My dad eloped and didn't involve us and it was awful. My mom had us as her wedding party and it was awesome. If you really want to do get married, you need to make the kids part of it and not just tell them its happening on this date. Let them help you plan, etc.

OP here, I definitely want the kids very involved! My older daughter is a great planner and the younger ones are very creative. They would be our wedding party for sure. I want them to do and wear whatever they want. I'm just not sure what's optimal about when to tell them.

My daughters really like him - we share a lot of common interests and the same sense of humor.

What really matter is what they want, not what you want. Do not tart them up into some gross "We're so happy! Children are resilient!" dog and pony show if they don't actually want to do it. I look back on my parents' remarriages and cringe that I was dumb enough to play along.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that because they don't mind having him around sometimes, they want their home to be permanently changed and disrupted by him moving in. You seem overly optimistic and naive about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses.

Just curious though, for those who are stepparents - when did you tell your kids about your plans to remarry (how much lead time did you give them)?

Now-DH and I had been together for around 2 years when we married. He doesn't have kids from his first marriage; I have 1 who was 2 when we got together. We dated when she was at her dad's, or had lunch together during the day for about 6 months. Spent time together with DD for about another 6 months but no overnights for the first 4 or so. He moved in when we'd been together for a year - we'd talked about marriage and I guess were basically engaged (as in, definitely planning to marry), but because DD was 3, that wasn't really meaningful to her. It was important to me that we live together before we actually married because if it didn't work, I wanted to know before having to go through another divorce. We got married after living together for a year. It happened really organically, and I took a lot of my cues about moving forward from how DD responded to now-DH. When we actually married, we told her about it a few weeks before. We were getting married on the other side of the country, so we basically framed the trip as a trip to see her grandparents and also DH and I were getting married and she could pick out a pretty dress to wear, etc.

How do your kids get along with your boyfriend's kids? What is the coparenting relationship like with his ex and yours?

Hi, our daughters are the same age and play together well - there is the occasional spat but nothing major. My boyfriend has one and I have two. We both have amicable working relationships with our exes. Both exes have been supportive of our relationship thus far. We have both been divorced about two years, separated longer than that.

That's great that everyone gets along. I would start thinking about how you will combine things. Will everyone have their own room? How will you schedule custody? Do you guys want to have any other children? I normally say that things should be pretty organic, but I don't think that 9 months is long enough for you guys to have figured out what your relationship looks like. Maybe you could get engaged this summer and plan the wedding for next summer instead.