Any super high-achieving parents devastated by their SN child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

Since we're being honest here, I find my SN child more interesting. When it's just the two of us and we in our own normal, it's lovely. He sees the world differently and shares his insights. He's a cool kid. NT DC is great and all, but the magic I find in my special one is something I never would have anticipated. Once I embraced the difference and met DC on the terms required, I opened myself up to a very different kind of relationship. Just something to consider.

+1

I sympathize to a certain extent, OP. But there's nothing inherently harder about being super high achieving and being an SN parent. In fact, it makes it easier to look for the best experts, to understand the literature, to find and understand data, to hire advocates and lawyers so that your child gets the best education (or afford private school), to understand and join clinical trials, to be active in medical conferences and look out for new technologies.

I don't think you mean to sound elitist, but I think that there's some privilege talking here. I mean that in a kind way, but I think you have to consider that there are people of extremely limited education and means struggling with severely disabled children and the notion that being super high achieving is a special burden is kind of, well, a bit squirrelly to my ears. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my aunt and uncle called to express their outrage that my cousin had not been accepted to an Ivy League school (instead a school like Amhert). Surely, said Aunt and Uncle, they could understand and empathize with their "special level of outrage" since all were Ivy-educated, and cousin was entitled to a spot.

Privileged people and high-achieving people are not entitled to a constant level of happiness, anymore than any other segment of the population. Perhaps even less so. I just have a hard time with your post on a philosophical level. Although I have tremendous personal empathy for you, and am not condemning you in any way.

[Anonymous]

Have you read "expecting Adam"? Written by a Harvard educated mom abt her son with downs.

[Anonymous]

You should seek therapy for your resentments.

[Anonymous]

I think we all hope to be able to relate to our children. These feelings are normal.
Perhaps a high achievement and nurturing perhaps has created expectations (before your child was born) about how you would be able to relate what you wanted your child to accomplish.

Again, I think it's normal for high achievers especially to have significant expectations of their children.

I don't know if that sound elitist--it's just what I observe in myself and in my friends when it comes to our children.

It has helped me a lot to step back and realize that "my people" are parents of children with special needs. My son has ADHD and learning issues-- talking and befriending other parents who are dealing with similar diagnoses had helped my mindset *a lot.*

The last thing is that you may find over time that you step back from how well you "relate" to your child and instead, focus on what you can learn from them. I can tell you, I was not a terribly compassionate, nonjudgmental person until I had my son. I am so much more empathetic to other people now-- I have made friendships that I would not have made and I see things so much more clearly. I'm a nicer person.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I think your feelings are normal and you don't need to be ashamed of them. Talk to a counselor or join a support group for other parents of SN kids.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of the super athletic dad whose DC isn't into sports.

[Anonymous]

OP, here. I knew that someone like 7:33 would be offended/annoyed by my message, and I hesitated in posting it. I was just looking for anyone in a similar circumstance to share their insights. I never really implied I have it harder than anyone else, just trying to be honest about my feelings and sharing. Sorry if you thought I was implying anything else. My husband who comes from a completely different background and does not care about academics, etc, came to terms with things much easier than I have - but he has a very laid-back personality and is in a career where he works alone and doesn't have a lot of people talking about their kids, etc. I know I'm lucky in many ways and have a lot to be thankful for, it's just that every once in a while, I long for what I can't have. Thank you to all the others and even 7:33 to remind me to focus on what I do have.

[Anonymous]

My first is super smart, high achieving... the kind of kid where everyone looks at mom and thinks *I* am the greatest parent of all time. It inflated my ego and arrogance like nothing else. My first is still a superstar.

My second is SN. I initially couldn't understand why my second couldn't "keep up." Affected our relationship/interaction together, but through the challenges, I have learned that my second still needs love, compassion, kindness for healthy development, never mind the support/interventions at school and private (expensive) therapies. Through my second, I have become less critical, less judgmental, and more compassionate and more understanding as a person. I am more humble now. So I'm better in "character" than I ever have been.

My third is a replica of my first. Now I credit God for being easy on me with my youngest, allowing me to finish child rearing as an enjoyable experience. But all three of them truly are gifts to me in their own ways, and I wouldn't be the same person I am without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read "expecting Adam"? Written by a Harvard educated mom abt her son with downs.

I love that book. LOVE.

[Anonymous]

When co-workers are talking about how brilliant their kids are or talking about milestones and joys you just can't share in the same way, that is going to be painful.

We have all gone through some form of depression related to our reality vs our expectations for our child/our own life. I was on an anti-depressant for about a year after my child was diagnosed with ASD. It really helped me. I also took a parenting class and found support groups of parents who are going through similar struggles.

You don't say how old your child is. Are you getting respite care? Enough family support? These things really matter as well in terms of your day-to-day mental well-being.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

Since we're being honest here, I find my SN child more interesting. When it's just the two of us and we in our own normal, it's lovely. He sees the world differently and shares his insights. He's a cool kid. NT DC is great and all, but the magic I find in my special one is something I never would have anticipated. Once I embraced the difference and met DC on the terms required, I opened myself up to a very different kind of relationship. Just something to consider.

+1

I sympathize to a certain extent, OP. But there's nothing inherently harder about being super high achieving and being an SN parent. In fact, it makes it easier to look for the best experts, to understand the literature, to find and understand data, to hire advocates and lawyers so that your child gets the best education (or afford private school), to understand and join clinical trials, to be active in medical conferences and look out for new technologies.

I don't think you mean to sound elitist, but I think that there's some privilege talking here. I mean that in a kind way, but I think you have to consider that there are people of extremely limited education and means struggling with severely disabled children and the notion that being super high achieving is a special burden is kind of, well, a bit squirrelly to my ears. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my aunt and uncle called to express their outrage that my cousin had not been accepted to an Ivy League school (instead a school like Amhert). Surely, said Aunt and Uncle, they could understand and empathize with their "special level of outrage" since all were Ivy-educated, and cousin was entitled to a spot.

Privileged people and high-achieving people are not entitled to a constant level of happiness, anymore than any other segment of the population. Perhaps even less so. I just have a hard time with your post on a philosophical level. Although I have tremendous personal empathy for you, and am not condemning you in any way.

Really? Can't there be any discussion without some SJW grumbling about another's privilege? OP just made an incredibly difficult admission that I'm sure causes her immense pain, and your sole contribution, despite your hollow disclaimers, is to call her spoiled. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I knew that someone like 7:33 would be offended/annoyed by my message, and I hesitated in posting it. I was just looking for anyone in a similar circumstance to share their insights. I never really implied I have it harder than anyone else, just trying to be honest about my feelings and sharing. Sorry if you thought I was implying anything else. My husband who comes from a completely different background and does not care about academics, etc, came to terms with things much easier than I have - but he has a very laid-back personality and is in a career where he works alone and doesn't have a lot of people talking about their kids, etc. I know I'm lucky in many ways and have a lot to be thankful for, it's just that every once in a while, I long for what I can't have. Thank you to all the others and even 7:33 to remind me to focus on what I do have.

NP here. We are also super-high achieving parents but I can understand what 7:33 is trying to say to you. It isn't that she or I don't think your pain and disappointment is real. It's just a matter of perspective. Our younger DC is low-functioning ASD and has severe ADHD as well. It's a struggle and he will never be like us or like his older sister who is a middle-school star. He's the light of our lives, no lie, as he is. We DO recognize that our privileges give us enormous latitude and resources to help DS achieve his potential. I don't know if you have other children who are neuro-typical but as another PP said, even they may not be what you pictured. It's obviously not such a requirement for you for your spouse, so why for your kids? You absolutely should mourn and go through your feelings but do remember that you are on the fortunate end.

As an anecdote, we just went through the Katie Beckett process and it was grueling but we could pay a navigator plus I have a personal assistant who shepherded the process with me too. That is an incredible leg up compared to families in hourly wage jobs, housing insecurity or other challenges who have to go through the process. They may feel resentful like you or not so like us, I don't know and don't care to speculate more. Until now, we've been able to pay for care, therapies that aren't covered by insurance and a myriad of other things.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for your honesty. I think as parents, we all need to come to terms with out expectations for our kids--some of which are so deeply engrained that we didnt know we had them. I think one of the hardest things for parents is figuring out how to guide our children down a path that's different from the one we took, and when our children are different from us, in any way, it makes it that much more difficult.

Fwiw, I got flamed for a post on general parenting where I said I was sad that my nt kid wasn't interested in the kind of things I enjoyed as a kid and still join. I had great dreams of teaching her to paint, travelling historical sights, etc. she's not into it.

My opinion is that it's fine to you to have and acknowledge those feelings. Just don't let them blind you to the person that is there and what they have to offer.

PS. Very sympathetic on the toilet training thing. I wish that wasn't such a big deal for society! ive posted a million and one posts about my journey on that long road, so if you search around you might find them.

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy? It could help with these feelings. Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

[Anonymous]

Well here's another perspective. My younger brother was a super high achieving student and athlete all through his younger years (the kind of person who scored in the high 1500s on the SATs and got 5s on all his APs without prepping or studying. It just came really easy to him). Then he got into a car accident in college and suffered a TBI. Will never be the same again. So all these people you know bragging to you about their "all star" kids (stupid vague term by the way) - you never know what might happen in the future. The other shoe can drop.