Any super high-achieving parents devastated by their SN child?

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

It sounds like you're saying this is especially painful to you because there's a real mismatch between how you see yourself and what you value in yourself, and what your DD is capable of. I do understand that and I see how it would be hard to feel a connection in those circumstances. I'm so sorry. I know other parents experience it, too, but there's such a stigma around talking about it.

If you're up for another book suggestion, Andrew Solomon wrote "Far from the Tree." It's about parenting a child who is different from the parent in a way that significant to the parent. It's a long book but very engaging and well-written, so not a slog. You might recognize some of yourself in some of the profiles.

[Anonymous]

The whole atmosphere of hyper-achievement and academic competition in this area is toxic for everyone I think, although perhaps the parents of SN kids are in a position to see it most clearly. For me, having been super-successful myself has made it easier in some ways to imagine and support a different kind of life for DS. Running on this hamster wheel certainly doesn't make me happy, even though I've done about as well at it as anyone could reasonably expect to do. So I am going to do my best to help DS understand that that stuff isn't ultimately all that important and, when it becomes financially and professionally possible, hope to move somewhere a little less crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole atmosphere of hyper-achievement and academic competition in this area is toxic for everyone I think, although perhaps the parents of SN kids are in a position to see it most clearly. For me, having been super-successful myself has made it easier in some ways to imagine and support a different kind of life for DS. Running on this hamster wheel certainly doesn't make me happy, even though I've done about as well at it as anyone could reasonably expect to do. So I am going to do my best to help DS understand that that stuff isn't ultimately all that important and, when it becomes financially and professionally possible, hope to move somewhere a little less crazy.

I agree 100%. I think the whole atmosphere of hyperachievement and competition is truly toxic. In fact, it's so toxic that it's gotten to the point that now SN parents have to have a credo that "SN parenting is especially hard for me because [insert reason here] -- I'm especially high achieving. I'm highly intelligent. I was really, really, REALLY looking forward to having a quality kid. This is ridiculous. SN parenting is more difficult for some people, that's certainly true. But it's a matter of personality, not what you've achieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

It sounds like you're saying this is especially painful to you because there's a real mismatch between how you see yourself and what you value in yourself, and what your DD is capable of. I do understand that and I see how it would be hard to feel a connection in those circumstances. I'm so sorry. I know other parents experience it, too, but there's such a stigma around talking about it.

If you're up for another book suggestion, Andrew Solomon wrote "Far from the Tree." It's about parenting a child who is different from the parent in a way that significant to the parent. It's a long book but very engaging and well-written, so not a slog. You might recognize some of yourself in some of the profiles.

+1, I was going to recognize this book as well and I also want to say that this poster's insight about the struggles is spot on. OP, you aren't being a snob, but you value certain attributes in yourself as the core of your identity more than others do, and it's thus particularly hard to accept that your child can't share those. I feel for you and want to say that you should not feel ashamed of having these feelings and while most posters haven't made you feel that way, I want to be another voice saying that you should ignore those that do. I wish the best for you and I hope you've gained something by posting. I know it is tough to write down and the things you describe are also just infinitely tougher to live.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just sent a prayer your way. Grieving the life you imagined is normal, and in no way are you a bad mother. Having a SN child can hammer home that every person is inherently valuable and "good enough". You're inherently valuable too. If you internalize that your worth is in no way conditional on your achievements or your ability to have the "right" thoughts about your daughter, I think things will get easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for your honesty, as your post probably was a difficult one to write and even harder to admit anywhere outside of an anonymous forum. When I was in pre-term labor with my son, I "made a bargain with God" that if my son could just live, then I wouldn't complain or ask for or expect anything else. DS has had a bumpy road and will never be the intellectual, athletic, socially savvy overachiever most parents secretly want, if for no other reason than to not feel the nagging pangs of guilt that "only if" I had done things differently, my child would have turned out better. I still feel this guilt sometimes - from wondering what I could have done to prevent his pre-term birth, to having better care for him in the early days, to doing more early intervention, to encouraging more socialization (no matter how painful and even embarrassing peer interactions can be at times). BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel! DS is now 11. I love and accept him for the handsome, funny, quirky kid he is. He has come a LONG way from his early days. He still has his challenges, but he has done much better than we were told to expect. Maybe we are the ones that have come a long way from the early days. It is all a matter of perspective. Every child is precious and has value. We love our son and he adores us. It makes me smile just to think of him :0). Your DD is lucky to have a parent like you that is so smart and can navigate through what's best to help her. And also that you care enough to admit your feelings (not "blame" DD somehow) and try to accept them. I am a firm believer that you are given only that which you can bear. Maybe, in all of your challenges and achievements, DD will be your greatest.

This is by far THE sweetest post I've ever read in all of my years at DCUM.

This entire post from begining to end gave me not just the warm & fuzzy feelings, but as a mom to a SN child, it was more so a personal feeling of strength, support, hope & positivity. Loved reading the whole thing, but that last line... oooph... that was it, bring on the tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand op. I'm so sorry. It's hard because when two high achievers marry and have kids there is an assumption those kids will follow the parents. It's painful to let go of and it's painful to be reminded of it. We all want as a basic uniting idea to know that our kids will be alright without us at the very least. And it's so scary not to know if that is possible.

All of the kids of my colleagues are choosing between amazing colleges also. My husband and I are both ivy educated lawyers. I dont know if my son will ever be mainstreamed, and he has behavioral issues which are the hardest to deal with and are ostracizing. I feel lonely because I can't contribute to conversations my friends have about their typical kids. Even though I have a nt child I feel somehow out of the club. I went to a shower the other day and there was a game re advice to new moms and I almost cried because I just felt like what did I know I did it all wrong. I'm only sharing this to let you know I understand and I deeply empathize. It's painful and it's scary and uncertain. There is also a reward that parents get - I know mine did - of seeing their hard work or their interpretation of their hard work! Culminating in a happy accomplished child. I'm sure you're doing an amazing job.

My heart just broke for you PP, as its so painfully clear that you're too still in the grieving & acceptance stage as well.
Some people can stay in grief & accepting for years without realizing it, loving every day like they just received the diagnosis & they struggle to move forward. I've been there and I know what a lonely, scary, guilt ridden place it is to be.
I wish i could give you a giant hug right now... have you spoken to anyone about your feelings? ((( hugs to you )))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand op. I'm so sorry. It's hard because when two high achievers marry and have kids there is an assumption those kids will follow the parents. It's painful to let go of and it's painful to be reminded of it. We all want as a basic uniting idea to know that our kids will be alright without us at the very least. And it's so scary not to know if that is possible.

All of the kids of my colleagues are choosing between amazing colleges also. My husband and I are both ivy educated lawyers. I dont know if my son will ever be mainstreamed, and he has behavioral issues which are the hardest to deal with and are ostracizing. I feel lonely because I can't contribute to conversations my friends have about their typical kids. Even though I have a nt child I feel somehow out of the club. I went to a shower the other day and there was a game re advice to new moms and I almost cried because I just felt like what did I know I did it all wrong. I'm only sharing this to let you know I understand and I deeply empathize. It's painful and it's scary and uncertain. There is also a reward that parents get - I know mine did - of seeing their hard work or their interpretation of their hard work! Culminating in a happy accomplished child. I'm sure you're doing an amazing job.

My heart just broke for you PP, as its so painfully clear that you're too still in the grieving & acceptance stage as well.
Some people can stay in grief & accepting for years without realizing it, loving every day like they just received the diagnosis & they struggle to move forward. I've been there and I know what a lonely, scary, guilt ridden place it is to be.
I wish i could give you a giant hug right now... have you spoken to anyone about your feelings? ((( hugs to you )))

*living.
Also I forgot to mention to you PP & listen closely, ok??

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, LET ALONE "ALL" OF OUT WRONG!

SN kids don't come with a manual or handbook, we do the best with what we've got & just reading your post it sounds as if your SN child is very lucky to have you as a momma.
(((( hugs))))

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP, I wrote that post! DCUM has been my lifeline for the good and the bad, and the sometimes even dark times I've gone through in this role I never expected. I'm so glad we have this forum in which to share and to support each other. There are so many dimensions to the feelings we have as parents of a child that does not fit the mold. OP touched on a dimension that few of us have the courage to admit. It took me years to get over the feeling of loss at having a SN child. I realize now my perspective was all wrong. My child is a good person - he is loving, kind, funny and smart in his own way. I am truly blessed. Getting to that point has made me a much better parent for my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not as much of an uber-acheiver as you, and it doesn't sound like my pretty-dyslexic-but-otherwise-typical 4th grader has as many challenges as your child, but I wanted to tell you that I can relate. Once he was diagnosed and I realized that his struggles will likely be lifelong, I went through a rocky emotional period. Friends were talking about their 2nd graders reading Harry Potter, and mine could barely do See Spot Run. Therapy really, really helped me, specifically a therapist who practices from an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) model. Through my work with her, I was able to figure out that because of my personality, talents, and family-of-origin stuff, I was biased to associate certain things with giving a person value (verbal ability, quick-wittedness, academic achievement, etc). If I held onto those traits as my gold-standard, I was going to spend a long time making myself, my family, and my child miserable. And I would miss out on all of the things that make him such a cool little human. It's been a process, but I am learning that if I don't buy into that framework, I can really appreciate all the things that make him and this unexpected version of my life really, really amazing in ways it wouldn't have been if he had been a "typical" kid. Also, I don't do this in every situation, but with my good friends, I've been able to share how I feel, that's it's really hard for me to hear them touting their kids' "accomplishments" when things are such a struggle for my son. Not to shame them or shut them up, but just so they know what is going on with us. Finally (and I think this comes with therapy, and with just getting older), I am giving less and less of a shit what other people think. Once I was able to shed my own judgements of my kiddo, the judgements of others carry less and less weight. None of this is easy. It's all hard, and my heart goes out to you!

If you are in the DC area, would you share the name of your therapist?

[Anonymous]

Yes please share the name of good therapists (preferably in Bethesda/Kensington/Rockville/SS/NWDC. I've never been to one for myself and my child has been disabled for 4 years now (she was born fine and then got sick at 2 and then started showing clinical manifestations at 3.5). I am having such a rough time dealing with everything (and working full time) and I've kept it bottled up for so long, assuming with all our hard hard work, things would get better. And in many ways, she's making progress. It's just the other kids are soaring ahead so much faster always.

[Anonymous]

My adult brother was diagnosed with retardation (what they called it back then) at a young age. They told my mom he would never do anything on his own. My type A, over achieving mom worked her ass off...found the right doctors, therapies, etc. my brother now lives on his own, holds a job and has a few good friends. He still needs help but has come further than we ever thought possible. It never would have been possible without my mom. As others have said, use your skills to help him. There is a definite reason you were given this child. As a side note, my mom also went on to work with other SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should seek therapy for your resentments.

You should seek it for life for the deficiencies of character leading you to post using this tone. I'm completely serious. NP by the way.

Huh? There are resentments there (see e.g., Ivy jealousy, etc.)--and it's ok to admit them. Therapy can help see beyond that to what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes please share the name of good therapists (preferably in Bethesda/Kensington/Rockville/SS/NWDC. I've never been to one for myself and my child has been disabled for 4 years now (she was born fine and then got sick at 2 and then started showing clinical manifestations at 3.5). I am having such a rough time dealing with everything (and working full time) and I've kept it bottled up for so long, assuming with all our hard hard work, things would get better. And in many ways, she's making progress. It's just the other kids are soaring ahead so much faster always.

Call Allison Sibley - she's in upper NW DC (near the Friendship Hts metro). http://thesibleygroupdc.com/

[Anonymous]

Thank you for being your honesty, OP! I think that all parents of SN kids feel that way, some more some maybe less, not just high achiever parents. I have 2 kids who, while not severe SN, have ADHD and Severe Anxiety. I am not a high achiever at the career game because I had to take care of my DS, selective mutism, severe anxiety, but I was at one point devastated by one A- in college. My own mother and sister, both high IQ and one a surgeon the other one has her own business, sister has no kids, do not understand how severe my DS's anxiety is, and why I am so "lazy" and took part time jobs nad mostly stayed home. I did it because next year my DS who couldn't speak is going away to college! And I am still worried sick as his anxiety impacts his learning and social skills to the extreme(we are talking anxiety that is not autism because he would occasionally look hold eye contact, on the spectrum.) Yet, now I wouldn't never change it, never work if that meant my DS wouldn't have all the help I could give him. I tested 143 on IW scale, in English which is my third language, and couldn't care less about my career, my kids are my career, but it makes me cry even writing this! Hugs to all parents here!