Any super high-achieving parents devastated by their SN child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for being your honesty, OP! I think that all parents of SN kids feel that way, some more some maybe less, not just high achiever parents. I have 2 kids who, while not severe SN, have ADHD and Severe Anxiety. I am not a high achiever at the career game because I had to take care of my DS, selective mutism, severe anxiety, but I was at one point devastated by one A- in college. My own mother and sister, both high IQ and one a surgeon the other one has her own business, sister has no kids, do not understand how severe my DS's anxiety is, and why I am so "lazy" and took part time jobs nad mostly stayed home. I did it because next year my DS who couldn't speak is going away to college! And I am still worried sick as his anxiety impacts his learning and social skills to the extreme(we are talking anxiety that is not autism because he would occasionally look hold eye contact, on the spectrum.) Yet, now I wouldn't never change it, never work if that meant my DS wouldn't have all the help I could give him. I tested 143 on IW scale, in English which is my third language, and couldn't care less about my career, my kids are my career, but it makes me cry even writing this! Hugs to all parents here!

^^That you for being honest. Jeez, I need coffee this morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP, I wrote that post! DCUM has been my lifeline for the good and the bad, and the sometimes even dark times I've gone through in this role I never expected. I'm so glad we have this forum in which to share and to support each other. There are so many dimensions to the feelings we have as parents of a child that does not fit the mold. OP touched on a dimension that few of us have the courage to admit. It took me years to get over the feeling of loss at having a SN child. I realize now my perspective was all wrong. My child is a good person - he is loving, kind, funny and smart in his own way. I am truly blessed. Getting to that point has made me a much better parent for my son.

You're SO very welcome!
As I said in my post, just from reading your words it's so clear what a wonderful mother you are & how lucky your son is to have you.
It's not easy, we put one foot in front of the other, do what we need to do, love in the way that they need to be loved & research Google every free minute we have to see if there's something we may be missing (argh Google... both a blessing AND a curse!). Not all information is GOOD information.

My son has ADHD & while I absolutely realize that it's nowhere near as severe as the OP's child or most in here, it does have it's own set of challenges.
You would think with inattentive ADHD that my son wouldn't have the attention span, impulse control or thought process to show such inclusion, patients & empathy, but that's exactly what he's done with one person alone... his cousin.
My nephew has Aspergers & those two are like two peas in a pod. My son will talk for hours with him about the ins & outs & every piece of knowledge & fact that there is about the only 3 things that my nephew has ANY interest in (dinosaurs, Minecraft & legos). My son never tries to impulsively interrupt him or change the subject & if my nephew is having a particularly "honest & fact based" conversation which can come across as extremely harsh & hurtful (which of course my nephew doesn't realize at all & is never intentional), my son knows to take it in stride & not to ever take it personally. He understands most though that touch & sounds are very sensitive to his cousin, so he takes social cues from my nephew & never, ever tries to overstep those boundaries.

How my son is with my nephew is the ONLY time that he's so patient, quiet, reserved, disciplined & aware of exactly what he says & the things that he does... I'm amazed by the lengths he will go to just to have that time for the 2 of them alone to love his cousin & spend time with him (and wish there was even a tenth of that shown at school, lol).

In turn, my nephew has told my son that he trusts him & wants his help in making more friends, which is HUGE for him (he doesn't trust anyone besides his parents).
My son has taken that trusting relationship & told my nephew how he could possibly have said things nicer on a particular "truthful" day, or if he noticed that he may have been short with someone moments before, maybe to apologize or give them a compliment where he would never think one was needed or necessary. One thing they have been working on is telling him to remember to make eye contact when speaking & so what he's done is placed a star sticker on his hand (as he always looks at his hands when speaking) the star reminds him to occasionally look up & regardless if it's just a 2 second glance, he does look up!

They've both really flourished from this relationship, which has done wonders for them both... I never would have thought so & others warned us against it, but it has worked better than many others have suggested. Sometimes alternative methods that nobody has thought of before or that we couldn't find on Google work... I don't know why, but they do.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP, I wrote that post! DCUM has been my lifeline for the good and the bad, and the sometimes even dark times I've gone through in this role I never expected. I'm so glad we have this forum in which to share and to support each other. There are so many dimensions to the feelings we have as parents of a child that does not fit the mold. OP touched on a dimension that few of us have the courage to admit. It took me years to get over the feeling of loss at having a SN child. I realize now my perspective was all wrong. My child is a good person - he is loving, kind, funny and smart in his own way. I am truly blessed. Getting to that point has made me a much better parent for my son.

You're SO very welcome!
As I said in my post, just from reading your words it's so clear what a wonderful mother you are & how lucky your son is to have you.
It's not easy, we put one foot in front of the other, do what we need to do, love in the way that they need to be loved & research Google every free minute we have to see if there's something we may be missing (argh Google... both a blessing AND a curse!). Not all information is GOOD information.

My son has ADHD & while I absolutely realize that it's nowhere near as severe as the OP's child or most in here, it does have it's own set of challenges.
You would think with inattentive ADHD that my son wouldn't have the attention span, impulse control or thought process to show such inclusion, patients & empathy, but that's exactly what he's done with one person alone... his cousin.
My nephew has Aspergers & those two are like two peas in a pod. My son will talk for hours with him about the ins & outs & every piece of knowledge & fact that there is about the only 3 things that my nephew has ANY interest in (dinosaurs, Minecraft & legos). My son never tries to impulsively interrupt him or change the subject & if my nephew is having a particularly "honest & fact based" conversation which can come across as extremely harsh & hurtful (which of course my nephew doesn't realize at all & is never intentional), my son knows to take it in stride & not to ever take it personally. He understands most though that touch & sounds are very sensitive to his cousin, so he takes social cues from my nephew & never, ever tries to overstep those boundaries.

How my son is with my nephew is the ONLY time that he's so patient, quiet, reserved, disciplined & aware of exactly what he says & the things that he does... I'm amazed by the lengths he will go to just to have that time for the 2 of them alone to love his cousin & spend time with him (and wish there was even a tenth of that shown at school, lol).

In turn, my nephew has told my son that he trusts him & wants his help in making more friends, which is HUGE for him (he doesn't trust anyone besides his parents).
My son has taken that trusting relationship & told my nephew how he could possibly have said things nicer on a particular "truthful" day, or if he noticed that he may have been short with someone moments before, maybe to apologize or give them a compliment where he would never think one was needed or necessary. One thing they have been working on is telling him to remember to make eye contact when speaking & so what he's done is placed a star sticker on his hand (as he always looks at his hands when speaking) the star reminds him to occasionally look up & regardless if it's just a 2 second glance, he does look up!

They've both really flourished from this relationship, which has done wonders for them both... I never would have thought so & others warned us against it, but it has worked better than many others have suggested. Sometimes alternative methods that nobody has thought of before or that we couldn't find on Google work... I don't know why, but they do.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your son?

*patience (damn you talk to text!)

[Anonymous]

The situation and feelings you described in your post are identical to what I’m going through. I realize your post is 8 years old, but if by some chance you are able to see this reply, I wonder how you are doing now and if you’ve found ways to cope with loving a child who doesn’t have the interests and potential you always imagined they would. I was raised in a family that valued academic success above all else. To a large extent, I think I acquired that same mentality that one’s value is determined by their accomplishments. I was always a straight A student, in the Gifted and Talented program since elementary school, top of my class, varsity athlete, went to an Ivy League school, and earned my doctorate and have a very respected profession. As luck would have it, my first child was born with a rare genetic disorder (de novo, not inherited from either me or my husband) and is non-verbal and developmentally delayed. He’ll be three in a few months and he has never called me mama, hardly acknowledges us, doesn’t have any knowledge of shapes, colors, numbers, doesn’t respond to his name, etc. It’s very likely he will be nonverbal, intellectually disabled, and require support the rest of
his life. I’m finding it extremely hard to relate to him and enjoy him for who he is. I love him dearly, but I find myself frustrated and disappointed by his inability to learn and develop. I know it isn’t his fault, but I’m extremely depressed and devastated at his situation and ours. It’s hard for me to accept that he will likely never accomplish any of the things I imagined for him when I first held him in my arms. My feelings cause me even greater depression, as I’m ashamed by my inability to love unconditionally and just be happy he is otherwise healthy and happy. His diagnosis is fairly new, so I’m hoping and praying the acceptance will come. If you have any advice or insight now that it’s been 8 years since your post, I will be grateful!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP, here. I knew that someone like 7:33 would be offended/annoyed by my message, and I hesitated in posting it. I was just looking for anyone in a similar circumstance to share their insights. I never really implied I have it harder than anyone else, just trying to be honest about my feelings and sharing. Sorry if you thought I was implying anything else. My husband who comes from a completely different background and does not care about academics, etc, came to terms with things much easier than I have - but he has a very laid-back personality and is in a career where he works alone and doesn't have a lot of people talking about their kids, etc. I know I'm lucky in many ways and have a lot to be thankful for, it's just that every once in a while, I long for what I can't have. Thank you to all the others and even 7:33 to remind me to focus on what I do have.

[/quote]

Maybe you can be a mentor to younger women at work. By selecting your mentees, you might be able to satisfy some of your needs to foster traditional success in younger people. Women still have glass ceiling issues. Also, by helping at work, it won't take time from your home life.

[Anonymous]

YES, and I knew that if I can't accept the potential for a SN kid, I should not have become a parent. Same true for bio parents. If you are not ready to parent a SN kid, LGBTQ kid, etc, than you are not ready to be parents.

Both can be true

[Anonymous]

I want so badly to have empathy for you, OP, but when people refer to themselves as “high achievers” it makes me throw up in my mouth a little instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want so badly to have empathy for you, OP, but when people refer to themselves as “high achievers” it makes me throw up in my mouth a little instead.

The post is eight years old. op is beyond your empathy or lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

Same here. In our case, we adopted a baby who is our nuerotypical child. He is so similar to us (except looks), loves and excels in same sport like Dad, high achieving academics like me, so social like both of us. We are so lucky and it makes us have so much more grace and patience with our ND bio child.

[Anonymous]

My NT kid is the only reason why I don't hate parenting. My SN kid is nothing but hard. SOmetimes I wish he were non-verbal, in a wheelchair like the kids I see in the videos. Nobody sees how horrible he is to us. How difficult he makes everything. I have poured so much into him and he's just mean and difficult 80 % of the time. The other 20% you see that he can be nice/competent when he wants to be. So I keep putting in effort to change that percentage, to little effect. I am effing exhausted.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think many parents, with SN kids or not, experience degrees of what you're talking about. The contrast is stark in your case but the experience is common.

Children who grow up to have personalities that you can't relate to, habits you can't stand, or who simply disappoint you – parenting is about coming to terms with the reality being different than what you expected. You might have had a NT hyper achiever who took drugs or whose personality you couldn't stand.

It's not always about disappointment but things often turn out differently than people expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should seek therapy for your resentments.

Cheap shot.

[Anonymous]

There is a huge difference between Down’s and severe developmental disabilities. Assume OP is in boat of changing diapers while getting kicked in the face, excrement smeared everywhere, non verbal, challenges with fine and gross motor skills, incapable of completing any activities of daily living without assistance, etc. It is not “Welcome to Holland,” unfortunately. There will be no adult jobs in coffee shops or wiping down tables at the State Department. Yes, being high achieving makes it possible to get better access for your kid to what they need, but every day is still an exhausting nightmare. And there’s no end. They won’t outgrow it, and you’ll still be the caretaker when you’re 80 years old. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, OP. It's hard.

I saw the documentary "Far From the Tree" years ago. It's based on a book by the same name. I really think it helped me process/think/relate:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6848736/

Highly recommend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, OP. It's hard.

I saw the documentary "Far From the Tree" years ago. It's based on a book by the same name. I really think it helped me process/think/relate:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6848736/

Highly recommend.

+1. Also, A Difference in the Family.