Any super high-achieving parents devastated by their SN child?

[Anonymous]

I know it's not easy for anyone to have a SN child or obviously for the child, but I feel especially sorry for my kid partly b/c I hate myself for feeling so disappointed in DC- she may never even learn to read, will never go to a normal school, will never have a truly meaningful conversation with another human being. As a super high achiever (every academic honor you can think of - Starting at a very early age being G&T, talented musician, lead role in school plays, HS Valedictorian, NMSF, summa cum laude/PBK graduate, and now a great career) , I find it just so hard to relate to my own child. I love to read a book to her, but she never even seems to look at the pages. I try to enjoy bath time b/c she likes the water, but I hate changing a diaper on someone who should have potty-trained years ago if she were "normal". I always imagined having a child whose abilities, interests would be like mine, but now I have a child I love but have difficulty enjoying and relating to. Do others have these feelings? It's one those days when people in the office are discussing which elite school their kid is applying, etc, and I have to hold back my tears.

[Anonymous]

Hugs Op, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's not easy for anyone to have a SN child or obviously for the child, but I feel especially sorry for my kid partly b/c I hate myself for feeling so disappointed in DC- she may never even learn to read, will never go to a normal school, will never have a truly meaningful conversation with another human being. As a super high achiever (every academic honor you can think of - Starting at a very early age being G&T, talented musician, lead role in school plays, HS Valedictorian, NMSF, summa cum laude/PBK graduate, and now a great career) , I find it just so hard to relate to my own child. I love to read a book to her, but she never even seems to look at the pages. I try to enjoy bath time b/c she likes the water, but I hate changing a diaper on someone who should have potty-trained years ago if she were "normal". I always imagined having a child whose abilities, interests would be like mine, but now I have a child I love but have difficulty enjoying and relating to. Do others have these feelings? It's one those days when people in the office are discussing which elite school their kid is applying, etc, and I have to hold back my tears.

What is her disability?

[Anonymous]

I felt this way until I realized my family member was totally fine with themselves and would have been devastated to know those thoughts went through my head. It took a lot of self-learning but I felt a responsibility to do it. The big shift for me came when I realized the SN person themselves wasn't the burden, the fact that society doesn't give them enough opportunity is the burden. Helped me truly realize that my negative emotions weren't due to him. For example, if elite schools had programs for SN kids, then parents wouldn't have to feel left out. And also, the kid would get a better education, which is what should matter most. There's ways to turn this frustration into support and it helped me feel closer to my family member.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for your honesty, as your post probably was a difficult one to write and even harder to admit anywhere outside of an anonymous forum. When I was in pre-term labor with my son, I "made a bargain with God" that if my son could just live, then I wouldn't complain or ask for or expect anything else. DS has had a bumpy road and will never be the intellectual, athletic, socially savvy overachiever most parents secretly want, if for no other reason than to not feel the nagging pangs of guilt that "only if" I had done things differently, my child would have turned out better. I still feel this guilt sometimes - from wondering what I could have done to prevent his pre-term birth, to having better care for him in the early days, to doing more early intervention, to encouraging more socialization (no matter how painful and even embarrassing peer interactions can be at times). BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel! DS is now 11. I love and accept him for the handsome, funny, quirky kid he is. He has come a LONG way from his early days. He still has his challenges, but he has done much better than we were told to expect. Maybe we are the ones that have come a long way from the early days. It is all a matter of perspective. Every child is precious and has value. We love our son and he adores us. It makes me smile just to think of him :0). Your DD is lucky to have a parent like you that is so smart and can navigate through what's best to help her. And also that you care enough to admit your feelings (not "blame" DD somehow) and try to accept them. I am a firm believer that you are given only that which you can bear. Maybe, in all of your challenges and achievements, DD will be your greatest.

[Anonymous]

((Hugs))

[Anonymous]

I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

[Anonymous]

OP, here, thank you all for your words & ((hugs)). Her disability is ASD and intellectual disability due to genetic defect. I do pray and offer thanks for her each night as I truly believe she has taught me so much more than I will ever be able to teach her, but it still hurts, and I wish I could stop longing for a mini me that will never be.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is helpful but a super achieving friend has not made peace with her average non-SN child. Another has a child with extraordinary academic abilities but that kid is a terribly unhappy person, always has been. Your road sounds difficult and I appreciate the candor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here, thank you all for your words & ((hugs)). Her disability is ASD and intellectual disability due to genetic defect. I do pray and offer thanks for her each night as I truly believe she has taught me so much more than I will ever be able to teach her, but it still hurts, and I wish I could stop longing for a mini me that will never be.

Sending you love and prayers, OP. Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mom. It's more than okay to feel everything you're feeling. You shouldn't hate yourself. You have no reason to hate yourself. It sounds like you're not disappointed in DC, you're disappointed for her. And for yourself, and for the relationship you imagined you'd have.

I hope you have a counselor or therapist you can talk to. I'm sure it can be hard to take time for that when it is very time consuming to have a SN child. But you deserve the support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here, thank you all for your words & ((hugs)). Her disability is ASD and intellectual disability due to genetic defect. I do pray and offer thanks for her each night as I truly believe she has taught me so much more than I will ever be able to teach her, but it still hurts, and I wish I could stop longing for a mini me that will never be.

Sending you love and prayers, OP. Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mom. It's more than okay to feel everything you're feeling. You shouldn't hate yourself. You have no reason to hate yourself. It sounds like you're not disappointed in DC, you're disappointed for her. And for yourself, and for the relationship you imagined you'd have.

I hope you have a counselor or therapist you can talk to. I'm sure it can be hard to take time for that when it is very time consuming to have a SN child. But you deserve the support.

Hugs to you to OP. It's normal to mourn for the struggles of your child. I have come to terms with loving my child as he is, but I just get pangs in my chest because I wish could make things easier for him. He struggles with things that came so easily to me (I was a high achiever too,).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

Since we're being honest here, I find my SN child more interesting. When it's just the two of us and we in our own normal, it's lovely. He sees the world differently and shares his insights. He's a cool kid. NT DC is great and all, but the magic I find in my special one is something I never would have anticipated. Once I embraced the difference and met DC on the terms required, I opened myself up to a very different kind of relationship. Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's not easy for anyone to have a SN child or obviously for the child, but I feel especially sorry for my kid partly b/c I hate myself for feeling so disappointed in DC- she may never even learn to read, will never go to a normal school, will never have a truly meaningful conversation with another human being. As a super high achiever (every academic honor you can think of - Starting at a very early age being G&T, talented musician, lead role in school plays, HS Valedictorian, NMSF, summa cum laude/PBK graduate, and now a great career) , I find it just so hard to relate to my own child. I love to read a book to her, but she never even seems to look at the pages. I try to enjoy bath time b/c she likes the water, but I hate changing a diaper on someone who should have potty-trained years ago if she were "normal". I always imagined having a child whose abilities, interests would be like mine, but now I have a child I love but have difficulty enjoying and relating to. Do others have these feelings? It's one those days when people in the office are discussing which elite school their kid is applying, etc, and I have to hold back my tears.

Have you been able to talk with anyone? What support structure do you have for yourself? It sounds like you need to work through these feelings with a third party. They will be able to validate your feelings and give you different way to look at things. Have you found a parent support group?

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you OP. I have felt the exact same way. I am also an over achiever. It is hard to accept that things will never be like what you dreamed.

One thing that has helped me is to understand that being an over achiever typically involves a lot of control and the fact that our children have special needs is completely out of our control. I have taken that over achieving/control personality and spent an insane amount of time researching my child's special need, finding organizations that are doing research, and really trying to accept and use my skills and knowledge to help my child and other families.

I have told myself that there has to be a reason this happened to our family and that we were meant to do something positive with it. This may sound silly but it has really pushed me on some of the worst days.

Hugs to you!! You are doing a great job and your honesty is admirable!!

[Anonymous]

super high achiever is being a great mom too!