Controlling behavior in a DH due to extreme introversion and anxiety rather than "machismo"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a habit of talking for him or talking over him?

His delivery could be better, but if he is constantly telling you he's already done something perhaps you aren't paying attention.

I'm a shy person and there is a tendency for outgoing partners and family members to think they have to compensate for us and in many cases either talk for us, over us, or they are so busy thinking that they have to cover for us they miss what we have already said.

He probably needs help with his anxiety, but you both could benefit on how to communicate better.

Also that director was out of line.

I agree with this perspective. I hate when people talk over me. It makes me shut down rather than lash out, but when someone repeats what I just said, it shows me they weren't listening and don't value what I said, or that they're assuming I didn't do it well enough so they had to do it again/better.

I also can't help but wonder if you were embarrassed and are thinking the worst about how other people are perceiving the interaction. People probably responded to your reaction as much as they were to your husband's comment.

At any rate, no, he doesn't sound abusive. I don't think he sounds particularly controlling either. If he has anxiety he needs to learn to deal with it better, but you not listening to him probably feeds it.

Perhaps I didn't explain the scenario.

We were sitting around a table and had been tasked with each introducing ourselves in turn and saying a few words. We were going around the table. It was my turn to introduce myself. I said something like "My name is Larla Jones and I'm the mother of Larlo who is in fifth grade."

I had no intention of "talking over him" and I did not repeat what he had said. You have misconstrued the situation and I think you are projecting. He cut me off abruptly and the entire group was taken aback.

I understood the scenario perfectly the first time you described it in your OP. I simply don't agree with your perspective that he's abusive and controlling, and was offering additional insight to his behavior.

Based on your response, and your tone, to people not cosigning your beliefs, but still trying to offer helpful advice, I think there are deep issues at play, with how you treat people. I bet your husband would paint a very different picture of the evening , your relationship, and how you communicate. If you want your marriage to thrive I suggest counseling for the two of you to learn how to communicate better with each other, and he can have individual counseling for his social anxiety and how to manage that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a habit of talking for him or talking over him?

His delivery could be better, but if he is constantly telling you he's already done something perhaps you aren't paying attention.

I'm a shy person and there is a tendency for outgoing partners and family members to think they have to compensate for us and in many cases either talk for us, over us, or they are so busy thinking that they have to cover for us they miss what we have already said.

He probably needs help with his anxiety, but you both could benefit on how to communicate better.

Also that director was out of line.

I agree with this perspective. I hate when people talk over me. It makes me shut down rather than lash out, but when someone repeats what I just said, it shows me they weren't listening and don't value what I said, or that they're assuming I didn't do it well enough so they had to do it again/better.

I also can't help but wonder if you were embarrassed and are thinking the worst about how other people are perceiving the interaction. People probably responded to your reaction as much as they were to your husband's comment.

At any rate, no, he doesn't sound abusive. I don't think he sounds particularly controlling either. If he has anxiety he needs to learn to deal with it better, but you not listening to him probably feeds it.

Perhaps I didn't explain the scenario.

We were sitting around a table and had been tasked with each introducing ourselves in turn and saying a few words. We were going around the table. It was my turn to introduce myself. I said something like "My name is Larla Jones and I'm the mother of Larlo who is in fifth grade."

I had no intention of "talking over him" and I did not repeat what he had said. You have misconstrued the situation and I think you are projecting. He cut me off abruptly and the entire group was taken aback.

I understood the scenario perfectly the first time you described it in your OP. I simply don't agree with your perspective that he's abusive and controlling, and was offering additional insight to his behavior.

Based on your response, and your tone, to people not cosigning your beliefs, but still trying to offer helpful advice, I think there are deep issues at play, with how you treat people. I bet your husband would paint a very different picture of the evening , your relationship, and how you communicate. If you want your marriage to thrive I suggest counseling for the two of you to learn how to communicate better with each other, and he can have individual counseling for his social anxiety and how to manage that.

OP here. I did not say that he was abusive. In fact, I went out of my way to say that I do NOT consider him abusive.

But even supposing that I somehow stepped on my husband's statement and did not listen to him or the scenario had played out as you imagine, I do not understand why it would be appropriate for my husband to snap at me in a room full of adults "I already said that!" after I made a personal introduction. Perhaps, with your insights into my psyche and into the fine art of adult communication, you would be good enough to explain that. You obviously have superior knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Sure, it was rude of him, but keep in mind that in this particular instance (school admissions/open house), many people, even without an anxiety disorder, might be anxious/nervous and might say something in a way they did not intend. Why do you care if he looks controlling to others if you know otherwise?
If you tell him too often that he behaves inappropriately, he may shut down completely or refuse to accompany you in the first place. I would make an effort to overlook and ignore these outbursts, while nudging him towards therapy, if he is open to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, it was rude of him, but keep in mind that in this particular instance (school admissions/open house), many people, even without an anxiety disorder, might be anxious/nervous and might say something in a way they did not intend. Why do you care if he looks controlling to others if you know otherwise?
If you tell him too often that he behaves inappropriately, he may shut down completely or refuse to accompany you in the first place. I would make an effort to overlook and ignore these outbursts, while nudging him towards therapy, if he is open to that.

I agree with this. This is exactly what I have been doing. I just wanted to see if I needed a reality check and I think I will just continue to think that I have a very sweet husband who gets overwhelmed sometimes in social situations and maybe should consider Paxil. But not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

OP, it really doesn't matter if your husband is controlling due to 'machismo' or if he's an insecure introvert. It's the behavior that's the issue.

It really doesn't matter if he considers himself a feminist if you are not OK with how he is treating you.

I'm sure my DH would not label himself a feminist but he is not controlling like my insecure introvert ex-BFs and has never treated me in a manner similar to your husband.

Also, there is a thread out there 'changing people' which you may find helpful. In my experience people like your DH are very resistant to therapy, although I agree it is certainly worth a try. I think you need to decide if you are OK with living like this and modeling this behavior for your child or not.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there's some middle ground where the two of you learn to work as a team and be mindful of how you're communicating.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did not say that he was abusive. In fact, I went out of my way to say that I do NOT consider him abusive.

But even supposing that I somehow stepped on my husband's statement and did not listen to him or the scenario had played out as you imagine, I do not understand why it would be appropriate for my husband to snap at me in a room full of adults "I already said that!" after I made a personal introduction. Perhaps, with your insights into my psyche and into the fine art of adult communication, you would be good enough to explain that. You obviously have superior knowledge.

Actually in our OP you were asking if others thought his controlling behavior was abusive. I went back and reread and I'm missing the part where you said he definitely wasn't abusive. I did see where he often snaps that he already said that or you needing do that, which implies you're repeating. Talking over him would be talking at the same time, probably more loudly than he is, trying to be heard over him. No one is accusing you of that. Just suggesting that maybe you're too worried about what other people are thinking of him and how he reflects on you, and trying to overcompensate for what you consider his awkward behavior.

He was rude, but it sounds like you're feeding it. Your responses here are confirming what the other PPs and I were saying.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, men who are introverted have been the most controlling. Often they have social issues and are insecure, so if you, as a woman, talk loudly, or are outgoing and bubbly, it creates this huge insecurity within them, and they cannot stand that. Don't forget, all men, whether they identify as feminists or not, have absorbed parts of the patriarchy, and to have a WOMAN as the louder one, the one "in control" will still disrupt the male ego, when he feels he is lacking in that arena.

I'm sorry OP. The only advice I can give is to dump him, because I will guarantee you 1000000% that this will not change.

[Anonymous]

Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

Whatever. Op's already changing her story to make herself more sympathetic. It couldn't possibly be that her perceiption is skewed about how her DH treats her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

Whatever. Op's already changing her story to make herself more sympathetic. It couldn't possibly be that her perceiption is skewed about how her DH treats her

Sure she is. And it's all her fault because she emasculated her husband by speaking up. She's a vicious lying harpy. Did I cover all the bases?

[Anonymous]

I dont think he's being controlling on purpose. Likely the anxiety causes him to over think situations. So while you are saying what you're saying (whether or not it's the same that he said) he is creating these thoughts in his head about what others are thinking about you two. And none of them good. His anxiety gets the best.of him and he tries to shut down what's going on.

I used.to have social anxiety related to an eating disorder. It's amazing how obtrusive the thoughts can be.

He would really benefit from therapy and meds. That type of social anxiety is not a happy existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

Whatever. Op's already changing her story to make herself more sympathetic. It couldn't possibly be that her perceiption is skewed about how her DH treats her

Sure she is. And it's all her fault because she emasculated her husband by speaking up. She's a vicious lying harpy. Did I cover all the bases?

Not at all. I think she's probably embarrassed by her DH because he acts awkwardly due to his social anxiety. She tries to cover for his awkwardness, which makes him anxious and he snaps at her. She gets her feelings hurt and snaps back. The therapy suggestion to learn to improve their communication skills was a good one. It might make him realize therapy is helpful and make it easier for him to seek help for his anxiety.

I don't think anyone is all good or all bad in this situation. I think they're both getting under each other's skin and making it worse than it has to be.

[Anonymous]

OP I am glad you are being very honest about this. When you try to talk openly about introverted men being controlling, you often get a massive pushback (as you've seen on here) from women stuck with introverted men and introverted men (as you've seen through this thread, because introverts are very popular on DCUM)

This is something I have also observed, and I'm not sure quite why it is happening. But it's definitely a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

Whatever. Op's already changing her story to make herself more sympathetic. It couldn't possibly be that her perceiption is skewed about how her DH treats her

Sure she is. And it's all her fault because she emasculated her husband by speaking up. She's a vicious lying harpy. Did I cover all the bases?

Not at all. I think she's probably embarrassed by her DH because he acts awkwardly due to his social anxiety. She tries to cover for his awkwardness, which makes him anxious and he snaps at her. She gets her feelings hurt and snaps back. The therapy suggestion to learn to improve their communication skills was a good one. It might make him realize therapy is helpful and make it easier for him to seek help for his anxiety.

I don't think anyone is all good or all bad in this situation. I think they're both getting under each other's skin and making it worse than it has to be.

And you've intuited all this from OP's post? What an interesting way to shift the responsibility for her DH's actions onto OP. Before you accused her of "changing her story to make herself more sympathetic". Once you realized how unhinged that made you sound now you've softened the blow by trying to say they are "both getting under each other's skin"- but it's still somehow OP's fault for "triggering anxiety". If OP's DH has anxiety to that level where OP stating her name and her child's name causes him to snap- then he has serious psychological issues and needs to get mental help stat. Either way, it's absurd to put it on OP.