Controlling behavior in a DH due to extreme introversion and anxiety rather than "machismo"

[Anonymous]

My husband is very shy and introverted and very socially anxious. This anxiety is, naturally, marked in situations in which we interact with other people which I have to say are pretty limited.

Sometimes I feel like his anxiety manifests itself in controlling me, and I wonder whether this is a form of emotional abuse.

The most extreme example occurred about six months ago. We were at a private school open house-tea type event with the director of admissions and about a half dozen other families and we were asked to go around the room and introduce ourselves. He introduced himself and said that we were there for our child, etc. I then introduced myself, said my name, said our son was in 5th grade, etc. My husband then burst out "I already said that!" to me in a manner that was shushing me.

I think everyone there including the Director was taken aback, and I was mortified. The Director of Admissions said politely "I think she just wanted to introduce herself to everyone."

I didn't feel like he was trying to abuse me in the classic sense of the controlling macho male; he's not at all like that. He's shy, introverted, and a feminist. But the effect of his anxiety is to become overwhelmed and to try to control the situation and that means me, and I think everyone in that room thought he WAS controlling me.

This is the most extreme example but there is a lot of snapping at me like "I already did that!" "You don't have to do that!"

I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore. I told him at the time he could not do that again and he knew he was out of line. He didn't plan to do it; it just happened.

Am I making excuses for him?

[Anonymous]

Yes, if he has that much anxiety then he needs medication.

[Anonymous]

Not sure it controlling per se, but certainly disrespectful..

[Anonymous]

Maybe he just wanted the attention to shift to the next family and wanted to cut you off so that could happen? Not cool of him to do what he did though

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's abusive, and I'm not even sure it's "controlling," the way people usually use that, but it is certainly rude.

Was he nervous about not making a good impression? It sounds much more like anxiety and/or being a micromanager because of anxiety. You don't have to put up with it. He needs counseling, medication, and to change his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Needs counseling and/or meds.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a habit of talking for him or talking over him?

His delivery could be better, but if he is constantly telling you he's already done something perhaps you aren't paying attention.

I'm a shy person and there is a tendency for outgoing partners and family members to think they have to compensate for us and in many cases either talk for us, over us, or they are so busy thinking that they have to cover for us they miss what we have already said.

He probably needs help with his anxiety, but you both could benefit on how to communicate better.

Also that director was out of line.

[Anonymous]

OP he sounds utterly bizarre. Maybe you should divorce him.

[Anonymous]

He needs techniques to manage his anxiety. Even something like meditation could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight you told him he could not do this again and you think he is the controlling person in the relationship.

Also you mentioned he is a feminist in a way that makes it makes it sound like your uterus shall not be questioned.

I have to ask, is the collar slipping and you need a better way to bring him back in line so you are trying to play the abuse card???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a habit of talking for him or talking over him?

His delivery could be better, but if he is constantly telling you he's already done something perhaps you aren't paying attention.

I'm a shy person and there is a tendency for outgoing partners and family members to think they have to compensate for us and in many cases either talk for us, over us, or they are so busy thinking that they have to cover for us they miss what we have already said.

He probably needs help with his anxiety, but you both could benefit on how to communicate better.

Also that director was out of line.

I agree with this perspective. I hate when people talk over me. It makes me shut down rather than lash out, but when someone repeats what I just said, it shows me they weren't listening and don't value what I said, or that they're assuming I didn't do it well enough so they had to do it again/better.

I also can't help but wonder if you were embarrassed and are thinking the worst about how other people are perceiving the interaction. People probably responded to your reaction as much as they were to your husband's comment.

At any rate, no, he doesn't sound abusive. I don't think he sounds particularly controlling either. If he has anxiety he needs to learn to deal with it better, but you not listening to him probably feeds it.

[Anonymous]

He's shy, introverted, and a feminist.

You hit the trifecta pajama boy. I kind of feel sorry for you but you chose that so now you have to own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a habit of talking for him or talking over him?

His delivery could be better, but if he is constantly telling you he's already done something perhaps you aren't paying attention.

I'm a shy person and there is a tendency for outgoing partners and family members to think they have to compensate for us and in many cases either talk for us, over us, or they are so busy thinking that they have to cover for us they miss what we have already said.

He probably needs help with his anxiety, but you both could benefit on how to communicate better.

Also that director was out of line.

I agree with this perspective. I hate when people talk over me. It makes me shut down rather than lash out, but when someone repeats what I just said, it shows me they weren't listening and don't value what I said, or that they're assuming I didn't do it well enough so they had to do it again/better.

I also can't help but wonder if you were embarrassed and are thinking the worst about how other people are perceiving the interaction. People probably responded to your reaction as much as they were to your husband's comment.

At any rate, no, he doesn't sound abusive. I don't think he sounds particularly controlling either. If he has anxiety he needs to learn to deal with it better, but you not listening to him probably feeds it.

Perhaps I didn't explain the scenario.

We were sitting around a table and had been tasked with each introducing ourselves in turn and saying a few words. We were going around the table. It was my turn to introduce myself. I said something like "My name is Larla Jones and I'm the mother of Larlo who is in fifth grade."

I had no intention of "talking over him" and I did not repeat what he had said. You have misconstrued the situation and I think you are projecting. He cut me off abruptly and the entire group was taken aback.

[Anonymous]

Op why did you marry him if you noticed this type of behavior? Try counseling and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a habit of talking for him or talking over him?

His delivery could be better, but if he is constantly telling you he's already done something perhaps you aren't paying attention.

I'm a shy person and there is a tendency for outgoing partners and family members to think they have to compensate for us and in many cases either talk for us, over us, or they are so busy thinking that they have to cover for us they miss what we have already said.

He probably needs help with his anxiety, but you both could benefit on how to communicate better.

Also that director was out of line.

I agree with this perspective. I hate when people talk over me. It makes me shut down rather than lash out, but when someone repeats what I just said, it shows me they weren't listening and don't value what I said, or that they're assuming I didn't do it well enough so they had to do it again/better.

I also can't help but wonder if you were embarrassed and are thinking the worst about how other people are perceiving the interaction. People probably responded to your reaction as much as they were to your husband's comment.

At any rate, no, he doesn't sound abusive. I don't think he sounds particularly controlling either. If he has anxiety he needs to learn to deal with it better, but you not listening to him probably feeds it.

Perhaps I didn't explain the scenario.

We were sitting around a table and had been tasked with each introducing ourselves in turn and saying a few words. We were going around the table. It was my turn to introduce myself. I said something like "My name is Larla Jones and I'm the mother of Larlo who is in fifth grade."

I had no intention of "talking over him" and I did not repeat what he had said. You have misconstrued the situation and I think you are projecting. He cut me off abruptly and the entire group was taken aback.

OP, I get it. A lot of these posters are obtuse, imo. I agree that he is in the wrong, and sounds very rude. I am sorry!!