Controlling behavior in a DH due to extreme introversion and anxiety rather than "machismo"

[Anonymous]

OP,

My introverted and asocial husband has control and anger issues. He has untreated ADHD, which causes a lot of problems, notably hoarding tendencies and systematic tardiness and time management problems. He is a perfectionist afraid of failure. Etc, etc. He has done embarrassing things in public, and abusive acts in private.

What has helped us is seeing a therapist for couple counseling, using the CBT method. The therapist used gentle words and insight from his childhood and family relationships to explain what I had been saying all along, only he takes it much better when it comes from her, because she's a neutral and expert third party. She also made me see how we pushed each other's buttons and how we could communicate more constructively to diffuse impending fights.

I highly encourage you to find a good therapist - he or she will be worth their weight in gold if they can get your husband to understand himself better and try to be more aware of how he treats you and others. He may realize that he needs medication, but first I think it's important for both of you to work through your feelings and establish a different dynamic. Don't forget that you probably act and respond in a way that pushes his buttons too, so both of you need to work on a re-framing your communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

Whatever. Op's already changing her story to make herself more sympathetic. It couldn't possibly be that her perceiption is skewed about how her DH treats her

Sure she is. And it's all her fault because she emasculated her husband by speaking up. She's a vicious lying harpy. Did I cover all the bases?

Not at all. I think she's probably embarrassed by her DH because he acts awkwardly due to his social anxiety. She tries to cover for his awkwardness, which makes him anxious and he snaps at her. She gets her feelings hurt and snaps back. The therapy suggestion to learn to improve their communication skills was a good one. It might make him realize therapy is helpful and make it easier for him to seek help for his anxiety.

I don't think anyone is all good or all bad in this situation. I think they're both getting under each other's skin and making it worse than it has to be.

And you've intuited all this from OP's post? What an interesting way to shift the responsibility for her DH's actions onto OP. Before you accused her of "changing her story to make herself more sympathetic". Once you realized how unhinged that made you sound now you've softened the blow by trying to say they are "both getting under each other's skin"- but it's still somehow OP's fault for "triggering anxiety". If OP's DH has anxiety to that level where OP stating her name and her child's name causes him to snap- then he has serious psychological issues and needs to get mental help stat. Either way, it's absurd to put it on OP.

She did change her story. I assumed it was to make her seem like a supportive wife. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was for a different reason.

It's not her fault he has anxiety. She can do things to make it better, or she can do things to make it worse. Her reaction is her own. He should get therapy. He shouldn't snap at her. But if he's saying the same thing repeatedly (I already said that), maybe she should give some thought to why he's saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh OP. Sounds like MRAs and their handmaidens have discovered the thread.

It would be nice if you could block these types before they weigh in, because their opinions will inevitably be disregarded regardless.

Whatever. Op's already changing her story to make herself more sympathetic. It couldn't possibly be that her perceiption is skewed about how her DH treats her

Sure she is. And it's all her fault because she emasculated her husband by speaking up. She's a vicious lying harpy. Did I cover all the bases?

Not at all. I think she's probably embarrassed by her DH because he acts awkwardly due to his social anxiety. She tries to cover for his awkwardness, which makes him anxious and he snaps at her. She gets her feelings hurt and snaps back. The therapy suggestion to learn to improve their communication skills was a good one. It might make him realize therapy is helpful and make it easier for him to seek help for his anxiety.

I don't think anyone is all good or all bad in this situation. I think they're both getting under each other's skin and making it worse than it has to be.

And you've intuited all this from OP's post? What an interesting way to shift the responsibility for her DH's actions onto OP. Before you accused her of "changing her story to make herself more sympathetic". Once you realized how unhinged that made you sound now you've softened the blow by trying to say they are "both getting under each other's skin"- but it's still somehow OP's fault for "triggering anxiety". If OP's DH has anxiety to that level where OP stating her name and her child's name causes him to snap- then he has serious psychological issues and needs to get mental help stat. Either way, it's absurd to put it on OP.

She did change her story. I assumed it was to make her seem like a supportive wife. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was for a different reason.

It's not her fault he has anxiety. She can do things to make it better, or she can do things to make it worse. Her reaction is her own. He should get therapy. He shouldn't snap at her. But if he's saying the same thing repeatedly (I already said that), maybe she should give some thought to why he's saying that.

Her reaction is her own and his reaction is his own. Her reaction, i.e. answering her name and providing her child's name, was absolutely 100% fine and good. His was not, and was, in fact, crazy. It is not up to OP to walk on egg shells and beat herself up for ANSWERING HER NAME because her husband has psychological issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore. I told him at the time he could not do that again and he knew he was out of line. He didn't plan to do it; it just happened.

Did you do this at the open house? If so, did you do it in front of others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am glad you are being very honest about this. When you try to talk openly about introverted men being controlling, you often get a massive pushback (as you've seen on here) from women stuck with introverted men and introverted men (as you've seen through this thread, because introverts are very popular on DCUM)

This is something I have also observed, and I'm not sure quite why it is happening. But it's definitely a thing.

Note to self, do not marry an introvert. See that whole controlling thing won't work with me. I'm tolerating that for less than a second
and then you are getting kicked out.

[Anonymous]

Her husband has problems that have nothing to do with being an "introvert." Most introverts are not at all interested in controlling other people. They just enjoy being left alone to recharge. Introvert does not equal psycho.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's possible that your husband rehearses social situations in his head before going into them, and then when things don't go the way they do in his head for whatever reason, he gets frustrated and lashes out at you. In the school event example, it sounds like it's possible that he intended his introduction to be of both of you but that he forgot to include you in the introduction. Then when you introduced yourself and your son after him, he may have thought that you were correcting him and/or was embarrassed that he didn't remember to include you or whatever information about your son that you provided. Some people cannot navigate situations like this without a script in their heads and cannot improvise well when things go off script.

Did you speak with him about these kinds of incidents afterward? What did he say?

[Anonymous]

If that is the most extreme example you are definitely not being emotionally abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that is the most extreme example you are definitely not being emotionally abused.

Unless, of course, OP has met some cute guy and is trying to convince herself that she is Unhappy and that her DH is the Worst. Husband. Ever. If DH were an extrovert, it'd be complaining about him wanting to go out all the time, him dragging her along from place to place, etc.