Was college the best 4 years of your life, or is it the best 4 years of your child's life? Sad DD.

[Anonymous]

Yes college was the best 4 years of my life. I studied hard, but also partied hard, had very close friends and loved my sorority. Not to say that my life afterwards has been depressing, but nothing will ever touch those 4 carefree years. All I had to do was make good grades. Life will never be that simple again.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure kids at easier colleges, with lightweight majors, who will get shittier jobs, get to party more.

But my kids go to top 20 colleges and there's no shortage of partying -- I just think kids at amazing school are so talented that they can do both, while also being mature enough not to overdo it.

[Anonymous]

I went a SLAC, and I did not go to all the events because I'm an introvert and they aren't me. I suppose if social media had been a thing back in the dark ages I might have felt left out, although by college I was pretty aware I needed a tremendous amount of time to myself, and living in a dorm meant I only got time to myself when all the other kids were out at the concert on campus or watching a movie or playing midnight frisbee or whatever.

Why isn't she going out? Does she think she can't, because she has to study? Or has she not hooked up with going-outers? Maybe she and some of the more bookish kids should start study groups, and take selfies and put them on instagram to counter the going out to clubs kids. Just kidding, sort of. Once she identifies why she's not going out, then you'll know what problem (if any) there is to solve. I'm wondering if she doesn't want to go out, but doesn't want to feel like a total nerd who's studying all the time, either. She might be able to solve that with more study groups, changing up where she studies, making it a point to join a club and attend meetings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College was good but not sure I would say time of my life. It was a small, competitive, rural SLAC and those can get boring. By contrast one of my kids goes to a Big Ten school and its way more fun. DC still works hard and gets very good grades but there is always something going on, which wasn't the case at my college.

i don' think b10 schools are that fun. i went to one and hated my time there. and i think people at penn, columbia, or princeton party way better. they latter had more money and access to big city nightlife.

i agree with slacs which probably have the worst social scenes. but tailgate state 'fun' is way overrated.

[Anonymous]

College was by far the best time of my life, and even though I faced some fairly significant struggles, I knew it at the time. I knew it was all downhill afterward. Not everyone's experience is the same, I suppose, but I would encourage her to find ways to feel better...maybe see a counselor/therapist.

What do you think is the best way to get through to her that it's OK to relax a little and have some fun, and that college and learning is more than just studying, taking tests and getting As? Because bottom line, that's what she seems to need to understand. So much of what you learn during the college years -- note, not just AT college -- is outside the classroom. I would also encourage her to study abroad. I bet that would change everything for her. Running away to Europe taught me so very much and turned me from a C student to an A student and cum laude graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in a rut, and I don't know if this is normal, if she needs to transfer, needs another change, needs to suck it up, etc.

She is a sophomore science major at a very good school. She has great grades, good friends, and is healthy. She says that she is unhappy "about 50% of the time." She studies all the time, but perhaps this is normal for science majors with good grades? She sees images on social media of her friends "living it up" and seeming "so happy" at college, that she feels like she is missing out.

I told her that people only like to portray perfect lives on social media, but I am wondering if college really should be the best 4 years of her life? I want her to be happy. I do not know if being unhappy "50%" of the time is reason enough to look at another college?

Any experience with any of this?

Friends "living it up" at the same college or easier colleges? I see my son's high school friends at Tailgate States living it up on facebook -- if living it up means being a drunk 3 nights a week and majoring in "marketing". My son's friends at peer colleges don't seem so belligerent and are clearly on another level.

OP here. Thank everyone. I mean living it up at other colleges, mainly larger state schools. She is at a SLAC.

My best friend's daughter is med school track at a SLAC and she is "living it up" at school. Is she sometimes stressed, yes... but she belongs to clubs, goes out with friends, but you daughter needs to understand their are 4 things she needs in her life.

school
community
self
family

If she is 100% school she will never be happy and she needs to learn that now. So many unhappy people in the world.

School: She seems to have that one covered
Community: Does she belong to a club? Did she do a sport in HS, can she join and intramural team? Dance? Music? something besides study? Does she volunteer. 1-2 hours a week is fine.
Self: She needs to spend 1 hour a day on "self", she can break that up if she needs... go for a walk, watch crappy tv, work out, buy some funky fingernail polish, meditate
Family: Stay in touch, make a visit, don't feel like you are too old to love your family.

also, she is at a SLAC, talk to a counselor that is why people love those small schools.

[Anonymous]

I went to a top school and had to work very hard as an engineering major just to get through my classes. I saw people around me going out and having fun and recognized that it just wasn't possible for me, but I wasn't too unhappy about it because it wasn't my thing. I did wonder how they could spend so much time socializing and came to the conclusion that it was a choice of sleep, social life and grades - pick 2 of the 3. I need sleep to remain healthy and functional so I was left with not much of a social life.

Having said that, I met DH at college and we're both basically homebodies so I wasn't wanting to go out much anyway.

[Anonymous]

I'd say I was happy 50% of the time in college. I had a decent group of friends, but I had two part-time jobs and I was focused on my future goals. I never got to go on a spring break vacation (no money) and I paid for most things without help from my parents, they did take out some loans to help which I really appreciated, but I was limited in what I could afford to do outside of classes whereas most of my friends didn't worry about money. I hated a couple of my required classes and I didn't have a fake ID so there were a number of nights I spent by myself because everyone else was at a bar. Regardless, I feel like I was a bit of a late bloomer and my time after college was when I really started to come into my own and enjoy life. I particularly enjoyed grad school because all of my classes were focused on the topics I was truly passionate about. When I was settled in my career, I took the time to do the things that I'd always wanted to do like travel. I look back on my time in college fondly for the most part but those four years were not the best years of my life by any stretch.

Please make sure your daughter understands that Facebook is fake, the point is to make your life look amazing even when it's not. I also know that part of the let down in college for me was that everyone told me how amazing it would be comparatively to HS but the truth could have never matched up with the idealistic picture I had in my head.

[Anonymous]

Is this an American thing?

Coming from abroad (France), families don't have the expectation that the first 4 years of university are going to be special. There isn't the dorm/campus experience for many students anyway, who rent rooms or continue to live at home, and sororities/fraternities don't exist. You just go about your usual business of furthering your education, make new friends, get jobs or go on to further years of study, and that's it.

[Anonymous]

I went to a school that showed up on a list as #1 when comparing party atmosphere with average salary information about new grads. Of course, it's a ridiculous poll, but it seemed to hold true. We all had a lot of fun and we're all doing really well in adulthood.

I met my spouse at a party. I didn't even know who lived there, I just walked in off the street when I passed by and heard music. It's been 20 years and he's still my best friend.

She might need to lay out some of her concerns to a counselor. I think most universities offer students a few free sessions.

[Anonymous]

Good, but not great years. I worked hard and had a time-consuming extracurricular. A premed friend described his college experience as a "bite in the @ss". He is now a happy and successful physician.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was in a top tier sorority at UVA and is now in medical school. I don't think getting into med school means you're locked in the library every night -- but she did work extremely hard.

[Anonymous]

MY DS is a science major at a top SLAC. He loves his science classes and his department and has a few close friends he studies and hangs out with but otherwise he would not say that he is having the time of his life. He studies and is in the lab most of the time and puts a lot of pressure on himself to get straight As because he wants to go to grad school for a Ph.D. Last summer he had an amazing research opportunity that he has turned into his senior thesis. The friends who were busy having the time of their lives applied for the same opportunity and did not get it. Just depends on your DD's priorities and personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is this an American thing?

Coming from abroad (France), families don't have the expectation that the first 4 years of university are going to be special. There isn't the dorm/campus experience for many students anyway, who rent rooms or continue to live at home, and sororities/fraternities don't exist. You just go about your usual business of furthering your education, make new friends, get jobs or go on to further years of study, and that's it.

I'm the one who only went out twice in college, am third generation American, and the way you view college is the way I viewed it too. If there was greek life at my colleges, I didn't know of it. I was just trying to work and get through school to get an even higher paying job.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ these are hard decisions for her to make. She has to live with the consequences, or any regret. Can she afford some down-time? A trip during break? A semester abroad?

Many who do not ultimately pursue med school do it because "the whole experience" is too hard. It's not because they can't handle master the material.