Was college the best 4 years of your life, or is it the best 4 years of your child's life? Sad DD.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in a rut, and I don't know if this is normal, if she needs to transfer, needs another change, needs to suck it up, etc.

She is a sophomore science major at a very good school. She has great grades, good friends, and is healthy. She says that she is unhappy "about 50% of the time." She studies all the time, but perhaps this is normal for science majors with good grades? She sees images on social media of her friends "living it up" and seeming "so happy" at college, that she feels like she is missing out.

I told her that people only like to portray perfect lives on social media, but I am wondering if college really should be the best 4 years of her life? I want her to be happy. I do not know if being unhappy "50%" of the time is reason enough to look at another college?

Any experience with any of this?

[Anonymous]

What are her goals for after college?

I had the time of my life in college, but had small dreams, so I could let a few things slide and wasn't impacted too badly. I ended up with a 3.5 GPA from one of the best public schools in the country and went on to a meh PhD program in economics. Now I work for the gov't. Totally happy.

The people I know who were miserable in college were the ones who wanted to go on to med school and felt that any slip-up would derail their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are her goals for after college?

I had the time of my life in college, but had small dreams, so I could let a few things slide and wasn't impacted too badly. I ended up with a 3.5 GPA from one of the best public schools in the country and went on to a meh PhD program in economics. Now I work for the gov't. Totally happy.

The people I know who were miserable in college were the ones who wanted to go on to med school and felt that any slip-up would derail their lives.

OP here - thank you. Yep, she is on a med school track and anything below an A is unacceptable to her. Does she just have 2.5 more years of misery to deal with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are her goals for after college?

I had the time of my life in college, but had small dreams, so I could let a few things slide and wasn't impacted too badly. I ended up with a 3.5 GPA from one of the best public schools in the country and went on to a meh PhD program in economics. Now I work for the gov't. Totally happy.

The people I know who were miserable in college were the ones who wanted to go on to med school and felt that any slip-up would derail their lives.

OP here - thank you. Yep, she is on a med school track and anything below an A is unacceptable to her. Does she just have 2.5 more years of misery to deal with?

PP here. Well, 2.5 years, then med school. My cousin's hair fell out because he stressed so badly about grades he needed to get into med school. He switched majors to psychology, got a full fellowship to grad school, and is now a professor at a Big Ten university. He has a happy little family and a full head of hair.

Sometimes it's not worth making yourself miserable, and sometimes the sacrifices pay off. I think it wholly depends on the individual and his/her temperament.

[Anonymous]

She didn't go off to utopia. She went off to learn away from home. She shouldn't expect to be happy 100% of the time. My friend and I just met for lunch - she had a horrible dream last night, spilled hot tea on herself, and is worried about her job and boyfriend. But on social media she posted a pic of her breakfast and raved about it. Had we not gotten together I wouldn't know the full picture.

For the record, I went out with friends exactly twice in college. I went to exactly one bar, zero parties. I worked through a work/study job and really enjoyed working in the registrar and the people I worked with. I really liked some of my classes, really disliked some, and was meh about others. One time I wore two different sneakers to school by accident. I bonded with one girl over how much our teacher favored another girl. I can't remember her name now. I lived at home. I had brunch with my grandparents every Sunday morning. I basically had a B average.

Humans are meant to experience the full spectrum of emotions. We're not meant to be happy all the time. 50% happiness during waking hours seems great to me. I think she just needs to adjust her expectations and appreciate the smaller things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She didn't go off to utopia. She went off to learn away from home. She shouldn't expect to be happy 100% of the time. My friend and I just met for lunch - she had a horrible dream last night, spilled hot tea on herself, and is worried about her job and boyfriend. But on social media she posted a pic of her breakfast and raved about it. Had we not gotten together I wouldn't know the full picture.

For the record, I went out with friends exactly twice in college. I went to exactly one bar, zero parties. I worked through a work/study job and really enjoyed working in the registrar and the people I worked with. I really liked some of my classes, really disliked some, and was meh about others. One time I wore two different sneakers to school by accident. I bonded with one girl over how much our teacher favored another girl. I can't remember her name now. I lived at home. I had brunch with my grandparents every Sunday morning. I basically had a B average.

Humans are meant to experience the full spectrum of emotions. We're not meant to be happy all the time. 50% happiness during waking hours seems great to me. I think she just needs to adjust her expectations and appreciate the smaller things.

NP. I find this fascinating.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for people who say the college years were the best years. It makes me think they didn't do their 20s right.

For me, the years after finishing school were amazing - no mortgages, no heavy responsibilities besides paying rent (and maybe student loans for some of us). A couple people got married, but for the most part, we were working, but playing hard because there was no homework.

[Anonymous]

Have your daughter check in with the counseling service at school. A little therapy will (hopefully) help her manage her expectations and FOMO. But as a premed major I think she is going to be working harder than most others.

[Anonymous]

I hated both high school and college, despite being very smart and bright. I had focused on math and science at the time, thinking med school was the right path for me as my dad is a physician and a majority of my family members are too. After two years of that, I realized I was miserable and changed majors. I changed majors to pursue business and government & politics instead. I had to take summer and winter courses so I would graduate on time, but I LOVED my life. I loved school again, I loved that I now had time to actually have a life outside of studying, and I was also able to join different groups that let me network my way into a terrific internship. Even though my mom still harasses me about not going to med school (I took the MCAT and scored pretty high, to shut her up) I'm incredibly happy with my life. I'm a successful business owner, I take one full week off every month, I travel whenever I want to, I have a life that I love and truly enjoy every second of, and I didn't have to make myself miserable to have such a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in a rut, and I don't know if this is normal, if she needs to transfer, needs another change, needs to suck it up, etc.

She is a sophomore science major at a very good school. She has great grades, good friends, and is healthy. She says that she is unhappy "about 50% of the time." She studies all the time, but perhaps this is normal for science majors with good grades? She sees images on social media of her friends "living it up" and seeming "so happy" at college, that she feels like she is missing out.

I told her that people only like to portray perfect lives on social media, but I am wondering if college really should be the best 4 years of her life? I want her to be happy. I do not know if being unhappy "50%" of the time is reason enough to look at another college?

Any experience with any of this?

Friends "living it up" at the same college or easier colleges? I see my son's high school friends at Tailgate States living it up on facebook -- if living it up means being a drunk 3 nights a week and majoring in "marketing". My son's friends at peer colleges don't seem so belligerent and are clearly on another level.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time, OP. I loved college, but then high school and middle school were very difficult for me. I think finals plus the holidays make a lot of students feel sad/introspective so that could be part of what you're hearing.

Nothing is perfect or happy all of the time. I do think social media makes it harder to realize that not everyone is having a great time all of the time. Science majors do have labs that mean extra work compared to other majors that don't have a similar component.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in a rut, and I don't know if this is normal, if she needs to transfer, needs another change, needs to suck it up, etc.

She is a sophomore science major at a very good school. She has great grades, good friends, and is healthy. She says that she is unhappy "about 50% of the time." She studies all the time, but perhaps this is normal for science majors with good grades? She sees images on social media of her friends "living it up" and seeming "so happy" at college, that she feels like she is missing out.

I told her that people only like to portray perfect lives on social media, but I am wondering if college really should be the best 4 years of her life? I want her to be happy. I do not know if being unhappy "50%" of the time is reason enough to look at another college?

Any experience with any of this?

Friends "living it up" at the same college or easier colleges? I see my son's high school friends at Tailgate States living it up on facebook -- if living it up means being a drunk 3 nights a week and majoring in "marketing". My son's friends at peer colleges don't seem so belligerent and are clearly on another level.

You're friends with your son's high school friends on facebook? You must be the cool mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in a rut, and I don't know if this is normal, if she needs to transfer, needs another change, needs to suck it up, etc.

She is a sophomore science major at a very good school. She has great grades, good friends, and is healthy. She says that she is unhappy "about 50% of the time." She studies all the time, but perhaps this is normal for science majors with good grades? She sees images on social media of her friends "living it up" and seeming "so happy" at college, that she feels like she is missing out.

I told her that people only like to portray perfect lives on social media, but I am wondering if college really should be the best 4 years of her life? I want her to be happy. I do not know if being unhappy "50%" of the time is reason enough to look at another college?

Any experience with any of this?

Friends "living it up" at the same college or easier colleges? I see my son's high school friends at Tailgate States living it up on facebook -- if living it up means being a drunk 3 nights a week and majoring in "marketing". My son's friends at peer colleges don't seem so belligerent and are clearly on another level.

OP here. Thank everyone. I mean living it up at other colleges, mainly larger state schools. She is at a SLAC.

[Anonymous]

College was good but not sure I would say time of my life. It was a small, competitive, rural SLAC and those can get boring. By contrast one of my kids goes to a Big Ten school and its way more fun. DC still works hard and gets very good grades but there is always something going on, which wasn't the case at my college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't go off to utopia. She went off to learn away from home. She shouldn't expect to be happy 100% of the time. My friend and I just met for lunch - she had a horrible dream last night, spilled hot tea on herself, and is worried about her job and boyfriend. But on social media she posted a pic of her breakfast and raved about it. Had we not gotten together I wouldn't know the full picture.

For the record, I went out with friends exactly twice in college. I went to exactly one bar, zero parties. I worked through a work/study job and really enjoyed working in the registrar and the people I worked with. I really liked some of my classes, really disliked some, and was meh about others. One time I wore two different sneakers to school by accident. I bonded with one girl over how much our teacher favored another girl. I can't remember her name now. I lived at home. I had brunch with my grandparents every Sunday morning. I basically had a B average.

Humans are meant to experience the full spectrum of emotions. We're not meant to be happy all the time. 50% happiness during waking hours seems great to me. I think she just needs to adjust her expectations and appreciate the smaller things.

NP. I find this fascinating.

I used the definition others would use for "going out with friends." So I am not including when I went to the grocery store with a friend, or went to the bursar and stood in line with a friend. I have always loved going on errands with people I like. Once I went to a bar with two friends. I was 17, and had zero interest in drinking (nothing has changed there). One friend met a boy and left with him. The other friend ran into a guy friend of hers, introduced us, then decided to stay and keep drinking. She insisted he walk me home. He did, and we stopped four times for him to puke. I gave him gum after each puking. The second time I went out with three girlfriends. I can't remember what exactly we did, just that I parked in a part of Queens I wasn't very familiar with (Rego Park?) and then we wound up at the house of one of the girls and had a popcorn fight and made a mess and I felt bad leaving her to clean it up. But when I look back overall on those years I was content.

Maybe that's the difference between me and OP's daughter. My goal is contentness. I don't strive to be happy. I strive to be content. Maybe that's why I'm happy doing errands with friends.