Was college the best 4 years of your life, or is it the best 4 years of your child's life? Sad DD.

[Anonymous]

My life has been long and college was 4 brief unremarkable years; I partied, worked, studied, made friends, just like I did in high school, graduate school and now. Why live in misery while in college life is and will be hard enough.

A very American concept that college is the best years of your life.

[Anonymous]

College sucked. High school and law school were much better for me. I was homesick, didn't fit in at my college, foolishly didn't get involved in any on campus activities. It wasn't my college, although my choice didn't help; it was my lack of maturity from 18-21. College years are tough IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't go off to utopia. She went off to learn away from home. She shouldn't expect to be happy 100% of the time. My friend and I just met for lunch - she had a horrible dream last night, spilled hot tea on herself, and is worried about her job and boyfriend. But on social media she posted a pic of her breakfast and raved about it. Had we not gotten together I wouldn't know the full picture.

For the record, I went out with friends exactly twice in college. I went to exactly one bar, zero parties. I worked through a work/study job and really enjoyed working in the registrar and the people I worked with. I really liked some of my classes, really disliked some, and was meh about others. One time I wore two different sneakers to school by accident. I bonded with one girl over how much our teacher favored another girl. I can't remember her name now. I lived at home. I had brunch with my grandparents every Sunday morning. I basically had a B average.

Humans are meant to experience the full spectrum of emotions. We're not meant to be happy all the time. 50% happiness during waking hours seems great to me. I think she just needs to adjust her expectations and appreciate the smaller things.

NP. I find this fascinating.

I used the definition others would use for "going out with friends." So I am not including when I went to the grocery store with a friend, or went to the bursar and stood in line with a friend. I have always loved going on errands with people I like. Once I went to a bar with two friends. I was 17, and had zero interest in drinking (nothing has changed there). One friend met a boy and left with him. The other friend ran into a guy friend of hers, introduced us, then decided to stay and keep drinking. She insisted he walk me home. He did, and we stopped four times for him to puke. I gave him gum after each puking. The second time I went out with three girlfriends. I can't remember what exactly we did, just that I parked in a part of Queens I wasn't very familiar with (Rego Park?) and then we wound up at the house of one of the girls and had a popcorn fight and made a mess and I felt bad leaving her to clean it up. But when I look back overall on those years I was content.

Maybe that's the difference between me and OP's daughter. My goal is contentness. I don't strive to be happy. I strive to be content. Maybe that's why I'm happy doing errands with friends.

Different poster than the one you were responding to, but I absolutely loved your description here--you are a good writer. I picture you telling your kids about the times you tried to have fun in college, found it wasn't worthwhile, and carried on in a more sensible fashion.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have time or money to do anything other than mountains of school work, and the closer I got to my degree the closer I got to dropping out. I'm glad I went and glad I got my degree, but I didn't enjoy it one whit. So no, OP, it's not a good time for everyone. I think a lot of messages out there about how college is supposed to be are a load of hooey and set people up for shocking disappointment.

[Anonymous]

No. I went to an SLAC too. The social scene was heavily dominated by upper class students. I was very popular in high school. While I had a good number of friends in college we never felt like we quite fit there. I worked hard (academically and at work study jobs), and am glad that I went there, but it was not the best 4 years of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your daughter check in with the counseling service at school. A little therapy will (hopefully) help her manage her expectations and FOMO. But as a premed major I think she is going to be working harder than most others.

Agree with this pp. You're asking the wrong question, OP. It's not whether college is the best four years of your life (it wasn't for me - grad school was the best time!) but it's whether your child needs some extra help in figuring her situation out. As I used to tell my students, college is the one time in your life where therapy will be free or cheap so get to the damned counseling center and talk to a therapist. Sounds like she's not in a crisis mode but still working with a therapist could help her figure out whether she should make changes in her circumstances or her attitude or both.

[Anonymous]

College and young adulthood are different now, especially in this age of Instagram. Your description made me think of this sobering article. If she is depressed, take it very seriously:

http://www.espn.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/12833146/instagram-account-university-pennsylvania-runner-showed-only-part-story

[Anonymous]

I think it's probably her major and the high goals she has set for herself all As). If they're making her unhappy there are other paths to a happy life.

I went to an Ivy League school, had an interesting but not over-the-top challenging major (think government), and managed to graduate with a 3.4. I made lifelong friends (I'm now in mid 40s) and had a wonderful experience. I went out frequently (2-4x/week). My best memories of that time are just hours of conversation and time to hang with friends and honestly, tons of time to kill. The amount of free time I had was astonishing, in retrospect. And yes, I always went to class and studied too. But it's a lot of hours to fill and you really aren't even in class all that much.

By the way, no regrets. I now have a career I love, a nice husband, a family, and lots of friends.

[Anonymous]

OP - your daughter sounds like mine. Also a sophomore premed track student w/ 4.0 GPA (so far anyway). Between her classes, research/lab work, and other school related activities, she is constantly under stress. I don't know what to tell you other than monitor her closely. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's probably her major and the high goals she has set for herself all As). If they're making her unhappy there are other paths to a happy life.

I went to an Ivy League school, had an interesting but not over-the-top challenging major (think government), and managed to graduate with a 3.4. I made lifelong friends (I'm now in mid 40s) and had a wonderful experience. I went out frequently (2-4x/week). My best memories of that time are just hours of conversation and time to hang with friends and honestly, tons of time to kill. The amount of free time I had was astonishing, in retrospect. And yes, I always went to class and studied too. But it's a lot of hours to fill and you really aren't even in class all that much.

By the way, no regrets. I now have a career I love, a nice husband, a family, and lots of friends.

And by the way, I worked 5-10 hours per week and was heavily involved in one particular extracurricular activity (not the Greek system). Getting involved in an activity was critical for me. Met many of my friends that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for people who say the college years were the best years. It makes me think they didn't do their 20s right.

For me, the years after finishing school were amazing - no mortgages, no heavy responsibilities besides paying rent (and maybe student loans for some of us). A couple people got married, but for the most part, we were working, but playing hard because there was no homework.

I have to agree. College was stressful For me. I really love my 20s after I graduated.

[Anonymous]

I went to college locally (GU) and it was not the best years of my life.

Unlike a PP, I do not remember having loads of free time. I was on FA, and work-study, so I was working 15-20 hours/week. On top of that, I did a sport and had a full workload. Socially at least then (early 90s) I do not feel GU was a great place. There was an upperclass crowd, always going out ($$$) and then there were the rest of us. Academics were a highlight, and I still remember many professors (and content of courses) and use that knowledge to this day. But I actually don't have many close friends from that time period. Certainly not my best friends.

[Anonymous]

The part of college where I was a passive knowledge sponge was pretty bad.

The part of college after I joined a lab and became an active scientific researcher might have been the best year of my life.

The thing was that everything in my college experience had a time when it had to happen.

I needed to go through the bad part first in order to learn enough to make the better part happen.

[Anonymous]

I stopped enjoying college after I was sexually assaulted. Not saying this happened to your daughter, but could there be SOMETHING going on she hasn't told you about? I didn't tell my parents for a long time after it happened, even while I was pursuing disciplinary action against the young man (an exercise in humiliation and futility) because I didn't want them to get upset.

[Anonymous]

No, not my best 4(5) years.

I am an introvert and was at a very Greek-heavy school. I didn't join clubs or make friends easily. I worked--a lot--and made friends with work people and then basically came home most weekends of my senior year because I liked my home friends better than people at school.

It was a blip.

In retrospect, though, I saw my first depressive episodes, and I'd say that is pretty common for 18-21-year-olds.