Should I just wait 18 or so years to live how I really want?

[Anonymous]

You need to get to therapy and also get screened for anxiety and depression. Lots of folks struggle at this point in life.

[Anonymous]

Unhappiness follows you everywhere you go. Get therapy to understand yourself and how people achieve "happiness".

I think you think happiness is a place you land and there you are happyland. That is not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to leave your child too? Selfish (as you say you are) doesn't end with your husband.

No I could never leave him. I don't enjoy being a mother but I love him and am bonded to him. My love for him is instinctive but I find the rote tasks of caring for him completely exhausting and utterly joyless. In no way did motherhood complete me as a person or make me feel more whole. It stripped me of my identity as I struggle to work and take care of this tiny human. It's a weird contradiction bc I love him so much. It's hard to explain.

Little secret for you - the BS about motherhood 'completing you' is just that. It's hard, exhausting, often joyless work, especially when your kids are young. My marriage was difficult during that time too.

So what you are is completely normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 40 and I have a 2 yo. I've been married for 7 years. My marriage is unhappy but tolerable, but lonely. My son is wonderful. However, I am overall miserable and am coming to terms with the fact than I'm pretty much just a selfish person-I don't really have it in me to make the compromises that marriage and parenting require. Or better put- I make the compromises and work hard at being a caring mom and a good wife, but at the end of the day I'm not happy. So, should I just gut it out until DS grows up and I can leave DH and just be on my own?

This is normal. Normal feelings and reactions to having a young child. It will improve. Don't put anything in writing about your plans for the future, just yet.

[Anonymous]

Just to warn you, OP, it doesn't always get better in elementary school, especially if you have multiple kids. You may still get woken up frequently at night (peeing, illness, nightmares), and your kids could become hellions who never listen to you. But once they are in school all day, you will get a huge break during the day, at least. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you willingly raising your child in a joyless household? Have the tough conversations now - and if the answer is to move on, alone - better to do it now while the child is too young enough to remember, then to rip apart their adolescence/young adulthood, negate their childhood family memories. You have no idea how your child will be as a teen, it might be worse in the future. At least now you can retain some control over the situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to leave your child too? Selfish (as you say you are) doesn't end with your husband.

No I could never leave him. I don't enjoy being a mother but I love him and am bonded to him. My love for him is instinctive but I find the rote tasks of caring for him completely exhausting and utterly joyless. In no way did motherhood complete me as a person or make me feel more whole. It stripped me of my identity as I struggle to work and take care of this tiny human. It's a weird contradiction bc I love him so much. It's hard to explain.

Little secret for you - the BS about motherhood 'completing you' is just that. It's hard, exhausting, often joyless work, especially when your kids are young. My marriage was difficult during that time too.

So what you are is completely normal.

ditto. I'm a mom of 4 (don't quite know how I got there) and I really recommend to people stopping at 1 or 2 kids. As they age, you will reclaim your life a bit. The more kids you have, the more of yourself you lose.

My husband and I fight about nothing except the kids, and we fight a lot about them, but we know we have to work on us as a couple as well.
Start marital counseling and go in with a positive attitude of we love each other, and we're going to make this work. If you can find a way to be happy and content with your husband, that will make the parenting tolerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to leave your child too? Selfish (as you say you are) doesn't end with your husband.

No I could never leave him. I don't enjoy being a mother but I love him and am bonded to him. My love for him is instinctive but I find the rote tasks of caring for him completely exhausting and utterly joyless. In no way did motherhood complete me as a person or make me feel more whole. It stripped me of my identity as I struggle to work and take care of this tiny human. It's a weird contradiction bc I love him so much. It's hard to explain.

Little secret for you - the BS about motherhood 'completing you' is just that. It's hard, exhausting, often joyless work, especially when your kids are young. My marriage was difficult during that time too.

So what you are is completely normal.

I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-eclUz-RYI


OP, if you bought the hype about "completion" through dirty diapers and exhaustion, and you can't let it go, get yourself a therapist ASAP. Your expectations are not realistic and that is interfering with your ability to just do what needs to get done.

As for your husband, we all have good and bad years. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to leave your child too? Selfish (as you say you are) doesn't end with your husband.

No I could never leave him. I don't enjoy being a mother but I love him and am bonded to him. My love for him is instinctive but I find the rote tasks of caring for him completely exhausting and utterly joyless. In no way did motherhood complete me as a person or make me feel more whole. It stripped me of my identity as I struggle to work and take care of this tiny human. It's a weird contradiction bc I love him so much. It's hard to explain.

This is really normal, although thinking about blowing up your marriage over it might be a sign that you need some therapy. Changing diapers and cleaning up messes is not fun. Caring for a two-year-old may not be all that hard, but its relentless. And for most of us, no matter how much we love our kids, cutting up grapes and cleaning up vomit and dealing with tantrums is not especially fulfilling. I never expected motherhood to complete me as a person or make me feel whole. If anything, motherhood changes who you are as a person, and that can be a really hard adjustment.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is it that you want? How would you like to live, if given a choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get to therapy and also get screened for anxiety and depression. Lots of folks struggle at this point in life.

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

You should not "wait your life away" OP. Try to find daily happiness even if it's just one small thing each day. Look at your spouse in a more positive light. 18 years is way too long to be unhappy. Leave now or make a choice to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're piling a lot of judgment on yourself. We women have a lot of pressure and expectations put on us.

You've been going through the toughest years of childcare. As others have said, it gets immensely easier when they get out of the baby/toddler age.

Don't assume it's a shortcoming in you if you find it tedious, draining, and unfulfilling to do the work of taking care of a baby/toddler. It is like that for a lot of us. You can love your child and be a good mom and still acknowledge that side of it.

I'm an introvert and an intellectual. I find babies adorable, but dull and tiring. I find toddlers, with all their energy and excitement over everything, to be marvelous, but their intense physical and social neediness is relentless and draining. I love my spouse, but I'd rather live alone and have more time to myself. But hey, we compromise.

I don't know why you're unhappy and lonely with your husband, but if you were ever happy together, maybe you can find your way back to it, as the pressures of having a baby/toddler begin to ease. A lot of people panic and think things are just over, not realizing they just got lost along the way.

+1.
While I enjoy motherhood and time with my family, I can definitely see how an introvert can feel this way.

It's not that you are selfish, OP.

Two year olds are hard, and being an introvert without the time to chill out is not easy.

My husband and I take turns with the kids on some weekends so that we can have time to ourselves(two introverts).

If you make it sound like selfishness, then you will be less motivated to carve out time for yourself. Understand who you are and accept it as different, not selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting your son in daycare a few days a week or hiring a part-time nanny may make your life a little easier. Then your life doesn't completely revolve around your child and you don't have to do as much of the day-to-day boringness.

Life is hard when you are unhappy. You need to figure out how to make your life more enjoyable now.

Yep. I am a stay at home mom who has taken some time off this "work" . I have a toddler too. Sometimes you just need a break, especially when you are introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're piling a lot of judgment on yourself. We women have a lot of pressure and expectations put on us.

You've been going through the toughest years of childcare. As others have said, it gets immensely easier when they get out of the baby/toddler age.

Don't assume it's a shortcoming in you if you find it tedious, draining, and unfulfilling to do the work of taking care of a baby/toddler. It is like that for a lot of us. You can love your child and be a good mom and still acknowledge that side of it.

I'm an introvert and an intellectual. I find babies adorable, but dull and tiring. I find toddlers, with all their energy and excitement over everything, to be marvelous, but their intense physical and social neediness is relentless and draining. I love my spouse, but I'd rather live alone and have more time to myself. But hey, we compromise.

I don't know why you're unhappy and lonely with your husband, but if you were ever happy together, maybe you can find your way back to it, as the pressures of having a baby/toddler begin to ease. A lot of people panic and think things are just over, not realizing they just got lost along the way.

Agree with the pp. I've been in your situation. At 2, I found my kid overwhelming and much of the work of parenthood really dull-now she's 6 and we are hanging out together for the long weekend, and I am really enjoying it. I ended up feeling really emotionally disconnected from my spouse because the work of parenthood and domesticity and working full time just left me depleted (and I always did more of the kid and household stuff). My spouse responded to that disconnection by having an affair and asking for a divorce. Divorce has been pretty good to me. It was wrenching, but a couple years later, I am so much happier and my life is so much better than it was when I was married. That said, I wish my ex and I had gone to therapy together, and that I had really advocated for what I needed in the marriage (not doing all the work, having time and space for social stuff). Divorce is a burden on my child, and I'd rather know that I had done everything I could to have a functional marriage before putting it on her-you sound depressed, as I was, in your marriage-maybe addressing that can get you to a better place where you can either be all in or decide you need to make a break.