Should I just wait 18 or so years to live how I really want?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I'm 40 and I have a 2 yo. I've been married for 7 years. My marriage is unhappy but tolerable, but lonely. My son is wonderful. However, I am overall miserable and am coming to terms with the fact than I'm pretty much just a selfish person-I don't really have it in me to make the compromises that marriage and parenting require. Or better put- I make the compromises and work hard at being a caring mom and a good wife, but at the end of the day I'm not happy. So, should I just gut it out until DS grows up and I can leave DH and just be on my own? |
Anonymous
| Are you going to leave your child too? Selfish (as you say you are) doesn't end with your husband. |
Anonymous
|
Honestly the amount of compromises you make for your kid drops significantly once they are older-- unless you are talking special needs or you've decided you need to pay for private school or you just want to go to an adults only resort for vacation.
Just try to get some time to yourself once in a while, whether it's going out once a week, or sleeping in one weekend day, or taking a weekend on your own. |
Anonymous
No I could never leave him. I don't enjoy being a mother but I love him and am bonded to him. My love for him is instinctive but I find the rote tasks of caring for him completely exhausting and utterly joyless. In no way did motherhood complete me as a person or make me feel more whole. It stripped me of my identity as I struggle to work and take care of this tiny human. It's a weird contradiction bc I love him so much. It's hard to explain. |
Anonymous
|
OP - 2 yo is one of the toughest phases. Im the same as you but with lots of support and I still found it hard.
Keep powering through - it will get easier in a year or so. Once that eases off with your son you can take a decision. Certainly dont have to wait 7 years. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I think you're piling a lot of judgment on yourself. We women have a lot of pressure and expectations put on us.
You've been going through the toughest years of childcare. As others have said, it gets immensely easier when they get out of the baby/toddler age. Don't assume it's a shortcoming in you if you find it tedious, draining, and unfulfilling to do the work of taking care of a baby/toddler. It is like that for a lot of us. You can love your child and be a good mom and still acknowledge that side of it. I'm an introvert and an intellectual. I find babies adorable, but dull and tiring. I find toddlers, with all their energy and excitement over everything, to be marvelous, but their intense physical and social neediness is relentless and draining. I love my spouse, but I'd rather live alone and have more time to myself. But hey, we compromise. I don't know why you're unhappy and lonely with your husband, but if you were ever happy together, maybe you can find your way back to it, as the pressures of having a baby/toddler begin to ease. A lot of people panic and think things are just over, not realizing they just got lost along the way. |
Anonymous
OP, you won't have to wait 18 years for this feeling to go away. Can you give it 2 years? You will likely feel much different then. |
Anonymous
| 16 years I'd say. Our toddler is 3, so I have 15 years to go. Not leaving the child. He will be grown and hopefully in college. He can come to my home or his father's home any time he wants. I don't have to live with his father. |
Anonymous
Why? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, you will be old by then, your health will be iffy....make decisions to enjoy yourself but not hurt others. |
Anonymous
Why in the world would you think her health will be "iffy" at 58? |
Anonymous
| Once they're in school, and begin making friends, life with children gets fun! Trust me, I hated the baby stage, was ok with the toddler age (my son never went through the terrible 2s or 3s), but I absolutely love his elementary years! Since he's an onlie, we have his friends over a lot and take he and friends on weekend outings - it's never boring. You're still in the triage parenting stage, however, you're on the downslide, so hang in there! |
Anonymous
|
Good grief. 2-year-olds are not just hard, they are always there. It will not be another 18 years before you have an easier child.
Sit down and figure out what would make this a little easier for now -- I won't make suggestions because the contents of that list will differ a lot depending on whether or not you work outside the home -- and talk to your husband. You don't have to even like him that much to work out a better balance of parenting responsibilities. You have one child. That should mean that you have the resources of money and number of parents to lighten the load in the (very) short term. In the long term, before you know it, DC will be out of the house most of the time with school and activities. |
Anonymous
|
OP, chillax. I hated the infant--2 y.o. phase as well. It gets better, then you get a sweet spot for a few years, then at 13 you have a year of hell, and just this morning I was musing how my 14 y.o. is so different than one year ago, and how wonderful she is, and how I can see we will be friends when she grows up, blah blah...
It's SO much better when language comes on line, reasoning comes on line. Please hire or do what it takes so you 1) have time for you, and 2) have time to work on your marriage, in a good way--to have fun with your DH, not to schedule the week or plan the future. Comeon--3 years ago you were crazy about him, right? It's still there, just under the surface.. |
Anonymous
|
Putting your son in daycare a few days a week or hiring a part-time nanny may make your life a little easier. Then your life doesn't completely revolve around your child and you don't have to do as much of the day-to-day boringness.
Life is hard when you are unhappy. You need to figure out how to make your life more enjoyable now. |