13 yo ran away for independence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a great mom, OP. Hang in there.

Thanks, I feel like a horrible mom for being asleep when she ran away. I had no clue she was gone until she called me. Thank god she did. She was only two miles from where it gets rough

[Anonymous]

Is she on any teams, like Girls on the Run? I don't know if adding in something like that might help? Sorry that sounds so insubstantial a suggestion given what you are going through, but I'd be at a loss too if my DD did this.
Also wondering - they have volunteer spots for teens at NIH which is great way of turning out the perspective in some cases.

[Anonymous]

I am in the mental health field and wildernesses therapy is known as dangerous quack treatment. It does sound like she has issues with anxiety and needs real treatment. Find a local pediatrician if you don't have one and start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the mental health field and wildernesses therapy is known as dangerous quack treatment. It does sound like she has issues with anxiety and needs real treatment. Find a local pediatrician if you don't have one and start there.

9:03 here. It depends on what you mean by 'wilderness therapy'. Our service providers (including well regarded psychiatrist, psychologist and developmental pediatrician) have highly recommended the Outward Bound type programs. In addition to Boy Scout camps/weekends, my 13 yo DS has done 2 Outward Bound programs and they've been immensely helpful. If your idea of 'wilderness therapy' is more like 'boot camp', I can understand your negative opinion.

OP's DD needs more than a 'local pediatrician'. General practitioners (like pediatricians) don't have the expertise/experience/training to treat mental disorders. She needs a specialist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doe she also have anxiety? Is she taking any medication for it and/or depression? If not, she should be. My 13 yo DS suffers from ADHD/anxiety. His father has ADHD/depression/anxiety. I recognize your DD's behavior. If I can project from my own situation, it sounds like your DD doesn't so much want independence but to get away from a challenge. The challenge could be just about anything and it could be a consistent challenge or a fleeting one. It sounds like it was an impulsive decision. She had reached a 'fight or flight' moment. That is a fear/anxiety symptom significant enough to treat with medication. She should not be punished for it but helped to find a more appropriate response.

Op here I think it may be a flight thing. I imagine it is overwhelming to got from no friends and hating life to tons of friends. Not to mention there has to be some disappointment in realizing that getting what you dream of (in her case friends) is not usually what you expected.
As for medicine she had tried two different antidepressants and had black box side effects both times. The Drs weren't supporting trying another until later in life.

9:03 again. You're right that what you 'dream' of isn't likely to make you happy. That has to come from within. I understand the issue with the SSRIs (assuming that's the class of anti-depressant she tried). You might keep Intuniv (guanfacine) in the back of your mind. My DS initally took it for his ADHD (stimulants are problematic for him). In ES, we didn't notice a lot of attentional improvements (unlike with the stimulants) but we saw no negative side effects other than some initial daytime drowsiness. He seemed a little more 'settled' but not markedly. He wasn't on it last year and did well in school. This year, he started going off the rails. Anxiety was bad but what was worse was that he couldn't get negative stuff out of his head. He wasn't being bullied at school but any negative thing a kid said (and MS kids say a lot of shit), he'd take to heart. He's got friends, he's really well liked, he's well supported in school. But, he was really reactive and negative. The psychiatrist suggested putting him on it again because it can improve emotional regulation - and it has even though he's not at a therapeutic dose for his weight.

My point is that there are other medications other than anti-depressants that can offer some benefit to your DD. It's tough being 13 even if you aren't disadvantaged by anxiety. You might look into the Ross Center http://www.rosscenter.com/ . I know you're insurance hasn't kicked in but you can still call to get an appointment/waitlist. Hugs.

You might also consider posting in the Special Needs forum. Lots of great support and recommendations there.

[Anonymous]

Don't rule out boarding school if she's open to the idea. We sent our daughter for one year (her idea) and while she didn't love it, it was OK. Her attitude completely changed when she came home.
It was only about 5,000 more than most private day schools as a heavy endowment made sure that almost all students got FA.
(Rabun Gap Nachoochee School in Blue Ridge Mountains, affiliated with Presbyterian Church.)

[Anonymous]

Op here. I don't think I could do boarding school with her. She has horrible abandonment issues.
As far as wilderness therapy goes, I stand by my choice. It was definitely better then inpatient or residential. We choose a well regarded program and saw nothing "quackish". They used standard therapy practices and were all licensed therapist or BHT's. The main difference I saw was that it was done outdoors and helped to build my daughter's confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her a safe place to go to. A trusted friends parents house or a friend of yours. If she needs space she needs to let you know and go to an agreed location.
Other than that, keep talking and think about a little more freedom but she has to earn that
Maybe this incident will scare her.

OP here. My husband thinks she should be grounded but I think that will exacerbate the issues. Had she not had her phone she wouldn't have been able to call me to come get her.

I think that might make her less likely to call for help when she realizes she's gotten in over her head. She did exactly what you want her to do, don't punish her for it.

My parents and I made a plan like in the first quote. Where I could go when I needed to get away. A safe place to walk when I needed to clear my head at midnight. It accepted my reality - sometimes I could NOT be in the house and needed to get away, and made it safer. It treated me as a responsible person in a difficult situation, which sounds like your daughter.

If you can't get your husband on board, then I'd recommend a session with your daughter's therapist before deciding on any "punishment."

[Anonymous]

OP, my DD is a bit older (15), but otherwise much like yours, with a couple of episodes of running away. I will echo what previous posters said about that: I would consider it a flight reaction, made impulsively, in response to a challenging/overwhelming situation. It's not about you, your rules, or your parenting, really. It's behavior that reflects her emotional turmoil.

One thing that you might consider doing is working with your daughter to set up a safety plan, in writing. That's a logical consequence for what she has done. In light of the running away, you can ask that she work with you to generate a detailed and specific list of things she can try to do (instead of running) when she feels challenged/overwhelmed at home, including lists of trusted adults to call; ideally, the safety plan should also include a list of places where she might go if the impulse to run wins out (trusted and approved friends, whose names/numbers/addresses are known to you). The idea here is for you to work together with her to identify and think through better--or at least less dangerous--coping strategies.

As a further word of advice, I would suggest that you not close the door on therapeutic boarding school. That's the route we have gone, despite initial misgivings. My DD has major attachment/abandonment issues, and a lot of anxiety about being away from home. But the thing is, the treatment team at her school are deeply well versed in attachment and abandonment issues, and the consequences of trauma around abandonment. Though it seems counterintuitive, I firmly believe that going away is enabling her to address those issues.

Oh, and a word to the folks who have a negative impression of wilderness therapeutic programs: the programs I know of offer sensitive and sophisticated therapy, in an environment that seems infinitely healthier than in-patient treatment. Wilderness was an option recommended by our DD's psychiatrist and her therapist, so it's not "quackery."

[Anonymous]

Op here. Than you all for the input. We implemented some of the suggestions and indeed, let her keep the phone. I made it a point to explain that I was allowing her to have it since she used it exactly how she should have when she called for help.
I think this point helped her to open up about all the things she is struggling with. It is amazing how I never thought of some of it.
Wi will continue to work on getting her into therapy.

[Anonymous]

Abandonment issues? Depression, anxiety, ADHD and Aspergers? Wildressness therapy, and moving away as the release plan from wilderness therapy?

There is a lot going on here-- and a lot more coming out each time you write. Why does a girl from a stable home have abandonment issues? Why would your whole family move as part of a release plan from Wilderness therapy?

At any rate, if you are paying for things like Wilderness therapy, you can afford the following: a good therapist who works with teenage girls. A good psychiatrist who can look at medication options beyond SSRIs-- because there are a lot of different types of meds for anxiety, depression and ADHD that do not have black box side effects. A good family therapist and/or therapist to help support your parenting challenges. And possibly a good private school that specializes in working with at risk kids.

Running away at 13 is a crisis-- even if she didn't get too far. I presume a crisis is what lead to Wilderness therapy. You really don't want her next crisis to be hurting herself.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems like your child is deeply troubled, and that there is a lot of basic, first line psychiatric care that you are not providing.

[Anonymous]

One of my DDs ran away when she was 14, but in her case she was gone for a week and only came home when her sister got in touch with her and persuaded her to come back. It's a very good sign that you were the one she called when she needed something. One thing that was important for us was to get on the same page about expectations; she felt under so much more pressure than we ever intended. Also, if there's a lot going on with her mental health, a team of professionals you trust and work well with is essential.

[Anonymous]

You said she has anxiety as well? Don't take the running away as personal, OP. Anxiety kids will do such things and they will lash out at those closest to them because those are the only people they might fell somewhat comfortable with. Kids with anxiety perceive many regular situations as dangerous and if you criticized a bad grade or something, you might think it is not big deal, but it starts getting bigger in their minds and then rational thought evaporates. Anxiety is difficult to threat and hard to understand. I am a mother of DS with enormous anxiety issue. Is your DD on medication? She needs to be on medication, if you are not happy with SSRI there are other options. Hugs to your and your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Abandonment issues? Depression, anxiety, ADHD and Aspergers? Wildressness therapy, and moving away as the release plan from wilderness therapy?

There is a lot going on here-- and a lot more coming out each time you write. Why does a girl from a stable home have abandonment issues? Why would your whole family move as part of a release plan from Wilderness therapy?

At any rate, if you are paying for things like Wilderness therapy, you can afford the following: a good therapist who works with teenage girls. A good psychiatrist who can look at medication options beyond SSRIs-- because there are a lot of different types of meds for anxiety, depression and ADHD that do not have black box side effects. A good family therapist and/or therapist to help support your parenting challenges. And possibly a good private school that specializes in working with at risk kids.

Running away at 13 is a crisis-- even if she didn't get too far. I presume a crisis is what lead to Wilderness therapy. You really don't want her next crisis to be hurting herself.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems like your child is deeply troubled, and that there is a lot of basic, first line psychiatric care that you are not providing.

Agree with this assessment. Sounds like a crazy situation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Abandonment issues? Depression, anxiety, ADHD and Aspergers? Wildressness therapy, and moving away as the release plan from wilderness therapy?

There is a lot going on here-- and a lot more coming out each time you write. Why does a girl from a stable home have abandonment issues? Why would your whole family move as part of a release plan from Wilderness therapy?

At any rate, if you are paying for things like Wilderness therapy, you can afford the following: a good therapist who works with teenage girls. A good psychiatrist who can look at medication options beyond SSRIs-- because there are a lot of different types of meds for anxiety, depression and ADHD that do not have black box side effects. A good family therapist and/or therapist to help support your parenting challenges. And possibly a good private school that specializes in working with at risk kids.

Running away at 13 is a crisis-- even if she didn't get too far. I presume a crisis is what lead to Wilderness therapy. You really don't want her next crisis to be hurting herself.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems like your child is deeply troubled, and that there is a lot of basic, first line psychiatric care that you are not providing.

Agree with this assessment. Sounds like a crazy situation!

Not OP. Agree this sounds like a terrible situation. However, I bet OP is doing her very best to find services. There isn't a lot out there for kids in crisis. It's very hard to even get an appointment with a good adolescent psych.