13 yo ran away for independence

[Anonymous]

I am at a loss. My 13 DD ran away last night because she "wants to be on her own". She called from a couple miles away in the middle of the night because she was approaching some homeless people and got scared. She had been gone for a couple hours. I didn't even know because I was asleep when she left (12 or 1am).
She doesn't use drugs or drink gets mostly A's is active in school programs and is very social with adults and peers. She works around the house or for neighbors and isn't abused. She has depression and was in wilderness treatment for it last year. She seems perfectly fine aside from that.
I know that wanting to move away is normal but I can't figure out what to do. She doesn't get in trouble and we talk often about her life and interests.
Any input or ideas as to what to do?

[Anonymous]

Give her a safe place to go to. A trusted friends parents house or a friend of yours. If she needs space she needs to let you know and go to an agreed location.
Other than that, keep talking and think about a little more freedom but she has to earn that
Maybe this incident will scare her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her a safe place to go to. A trusted friends parents house or a friend of yours. If she needs space she needs to let you know and go to an agreed location.
Other than that, keep talking and think about a little more freedom but she has to earn that
Maybe this incident will scare her.

OP here. My husband thinks she should be grounded but I think that will exacerbate the issues. Had she not had her phone she wouldn't have been able to call me to come get her.

[Anonymous]

Are you in family therapy? If not, get into it.
Besides this "wilderness treatment" (no idea what that is), how is she being treated for depression?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her a safe place to go to. A trusted friends parents house or a friend of yours. If she needs space she needs to let you know and go to an agreed location.
Other than that, keep talking and think about a little more freedom but she has to earn that
Maybe this incident will scare her.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

It's a cry for help, OP. I wouldn't punish her for it.

Is she open with you? I'd have a talk with her if you can. Or offer to take her to a therapist to talk.

My first thought is the household culture is too controlling. Mine was, as a kid. And I have one friend with a 13 year old who has him programmed with organized activities from when he wakes to when he goes to bed. And he's rebelling now.

If that's the case, is there any where you can ease up? Does your daughter have specific requests? Mostly, just listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a cry for help, OP. I wouldn't punish her for it.

Is she open with you? I'd have a talk with her if you can. Or offer to take her to a therapist to talk.

My first thought is the household culture is too controlling. Mine was, as a kid. And I have one friend with a 13 year old who has him programmed with organized activities from when he wakes to when he goes to bed. And he's rebelling now.

If that's the case, is there any where you can ease up? Does your daughter have specific requests? Mostly, just listen.

Op here not controlling at all. I think she thinks I am. She freaked out the other day saying she knew I wanted her to go to this high school and that college. I was stunned. I don't really care too much with high school as long as she goes and gets good grades. I haven't even thought about college. As far as her activities, she signed up for it all on her own. She tells me she has plans and I drive her or have my husband do it. I rarely say no to what she asks for since most of it is appropriate and positive for her.

As far as therapy we just moved here. I am looking for a provider now. I had three recommendations but haven't heard back from them yet. My insurance with work starts next month so I was hoping that it would have more options too.

[Anonymous]

You said you just moved... could that be the trigger?

[Anonymous]

Oh, wow, that's so hard. I agree with you that I'd never take the phone. I'd probably have a discussion about safety and give one more chance.

When one of my kids was going through a period where I didn't trust him (not drugs or anything, more like your situation), I required him to be around me 24/7 unless he had to be elsewhere. That lasted until I felt I could trust him. As a practical matter it meant the following: sleeping on the floor of my bedroom, showering in my bathroom, being driven to school and picked up instead of using the school bus, no going to friends' houses (they could come over), going to work with one of us when there was no school, etc. It took about six months before we could start giving things back. This was very difficult on everyone. We tried not to make it into too much of punishment because our goal was to keep him safe and, I am relieved to say, we were successful. That was three years ago and my son is now really successful and uses good judgment.

I did want to add that my son also suffered from depression then (and now - and also anxiety).

Anyway, good luck with whatever you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said you just moved... could that be the trigger?

It is possible though I doubt it. It was part of the release plan from wilderness therapy. She had no friends in old place. She now has tons. She just hosted a Halloween party at our house with kids from her robotics club last weekend. This seems to be a positive move for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, wow, that's so hard. I agree with you that I'd never take the phone. I'd probably have a discussion about safety and give one more chance.

When one of my kids was going through a period where I didn't trust him (not drugs or anything, more like your situation), I required him to be around me 24/7 unless he had to be elsewhere. That lasted until I felt I could trust him. As a practical matter it meant the following: sleeping on the floor of my bedroom, showering in my bathroom, being driven to school and picked up instead of using the school bus, no going to friends' houses (they could come over), going to work with one of us when there was no school, etc. It took about six months before we could start giving things back. This was very difficult on everyone. We tried not to make it into too much of punishment because our goal was to keep him safe and, I am relieved to say, we were successful. That was three years ago and my son is now really successful and uses good judgment.

I did want to add that my son also suffered from depression then (and now - and also anxiety).

Anyway, good luck with whatever you do.

Op here. Mine has anxiety also. As well as Asperger's

[Anonymous]

Doe she also have anxiety? Is she taking any medication for it and/or depression? If not, she should be. My 13 yo DS suffers from ADHD/anxiety. His father has ADHD/depression/anxiety. I recognize your DD's behavior. If I can project from my own situation, it sounds like your DD doesn't so much want independence but to get away from a challenge. The challenge could be just about anything and it could be a consistent challenge or a fleeting one. It sounds like it was an impulsive decision. She had reached a 'fight or flight' moment. That is a fear/anxiety symptom significant enough to treat with medication. She should not be punished for it but helped to find a more appropriate response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doe she also have anxiety? Is she taking any medication for it and/or depression? If not, she should be. My 13 yo DS suffers from ADHD/anxiety. His father has ADHD/depression/anxiety. I recognize your DD's behavior. If I can project from my own situation, it sounds like your DD doesn't so much want independence but to get away from a challenge. The challenge could be just about anything and it could be a consistent challenge or a fleeting one. It sounds like it was an impulsive decision. She had reached a 'fight or flight' moment. That is a fear/anxiety symptom significant enough to treat with medication. She should not be punished for it but helped to find a more appropriate response.

Op here I think it may be a flight thing. I imagine it is overwhelming to got from no friends and hating life to tons of friends. Not to mention there has to be some disappointment in realizing that getting what you dream of (in her case friends) is not usually what you expected.
As for medicine she had tried two different antidepressants and had black box side effects both times. The Drs weren't supporting trying another until later in life.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great mom, OP. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Check with your medical professionals about trying to reduce sugar in diet, and adding omega 3 fish oil pills. I've had a history of depression and have found that a higher sugar diet, combined with female hormone fluctuations, wasn't a great mix for mood. And omega 3 helped me a lot. I know there are some supporting studies on omega 3 for depression and anxiety. Not sure about sugar. But I also had the black box reactions to antidepressants before there were black box warnings. From accutane (for acne) too, in case she was on that or if you are considering it in the future.

Sunlight, less sugar, more omega 3s, and vitamin D work for me.