Being cut off by a sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years I tried to keep up a relationship with the needy sibling. She always wanted more from me. More visits, more money, more from our parents. I finally realized that no matter how much I gave, it would never be enough. I haven't really cut her off, I just stopped calling. If she calls me, I talk to her for a little bit until she starts to whine, then I find there's something else that demands my attention.

That can work for a while, but once she figures out what's going on, she may just stop calling you. Will you be okay with that?

My friend's sister did pretty much the same thing- never called and when certain subjects came up, she'd suddenly have to get off the phone. It took a little while, but my friend figured out what she was doing and saw it as controlling on the sister's part and decided she didn't want to be treated that way. She then stopped calling her sister. The sister wasn't happy about it, but my friend just wants to stay uninvolved with the sister for a while. She says she actually feels better not having to walk on eggshells around her sister and figures it might be good to have a little space between them for a time.

If your friend was as annoying as PP's sister, the friend's sister probably isn't as sad as your friend thinks. I have a similar sister. When she goes on her tangents, I excuse myself. When she gets stuck on something for weeks or months at a time and every conversation has to revolve around it, I talk to her less and less. If she picks up on this pattern and chooses to cut me off instead of filtering what she says, so be it.

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can control is how you handle this

The only person you can control is you

Focus on those controlling those things you can control, stop obsessing about your sister and her life. You have a life, make that great.

[Anonymous]

My siblings aren't too crazy about me either. I miss them and love when I do get to hear from them but I can respect their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years I tried to keep up a relationship with the needy sibling. She always wanted more from me. More visits, more money, more from our parents. I finally realized that no matter how much I gave, it would never be enough. I haven't really cut her off, I just stopped calling. If she calls me, I talk to her for a little bit until she starts to whine, then I find there's something else that demands my attention.

That can work for a while, but once she figures out what's going on, she may just stop calling you. Will you be okay with that?

My friend's sister did pretty much the same thing- never called and when certain subjects came up, she'd suddenly have to get off the phone. It took a little while, but my friend figured out what she was doing and saw it as controlling on the sister's part and decided she didn't want to be treated that way. She then stopped calling her sister. The sister wasn't happy about it, but my friend just wants to stay uninvolved with the sister for a while. She says she actually feels better not having to walk on eggshells around her sister and figures it might be good to have a little space between them for a time.

If your friend was as annoying as PP's sister, the friend's sister probably isn't as sad as your friend thinks. I have a similar sister. When she goes on her tangents, I excuse myself. When she gets stuck on something for weeks or months at a time and every conversation has to revolve around it, I talk to her less and less. If she picks up on this pattern and chooses to cut me off instead of filtering what she says, so be it.

Friend's sister essentially does not like it when anyone disagrees with her, so she started just ending conversations with people when they did not agree with her. My friend decided she was tired of that treatment and decided not to engage with her sister. I think they're both being a bit stubborn but I don't really know my friend's sister, so I may not really see the whole picture. I have another friend who knows both of them who says the sister can be a bit controlling, so the hanging up when she is disagreed with does fit into that sort of personality.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't control your sister. You can only control you.

Therapy if you can. It's painful to lose a sibling. Been there, done that. But you need to focus on you and your life. Your resilience. Your character.

[Anonymous]

Is there any truth to what she says? I really don't know how people can cut off a blood relative. My sister doesn't seem to give me much thought. She always has an excuse for why she has to get off the phone or why she can't visit. Yet she has never told me if I've done anything wrong. I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't invest my emotional energy in people that don't care about me. I need to think of people as how they really are and not how I wish they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any truth to what she says? I really don't know how people can cut off a blood relative. My sister doesn't seem to give me much thought. She always has an excuse for why she has to get off the phone or why she can't visit. Yet she has never told me if I've done anything wrong. I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't invest my emotional energy in people that don't care about me. I need to think of people as how they really are and not how I wish they were.

There's tremendous truth to what OP's sister said. She posts threads here every few weeks/months about how her sister won't do what she says or how her sister took offense to her criticizing her for eating a salad or whatever. OP tries to control her and can't leave her alone or respect any boundaries the sister tries to set up. Then she's surprised when the sister wants to wash her hands of her. This thread wasn't posted to try to learn how to respect the sister's wishes, it was to get ideas of how to make her do as OP says. Every thread OP posts is full of about 6-10 pages of people telling her to leave her poor sister alone, and maybe 5 people with control issues saying OP doesn't seem that bad. Then someone links the past threads, and 2 or three of those people read the history and say that now they see more of the story and agree OP needs to back off. That's why people suggested therapy.

OP clearly loves her sister, but it's the cloying kind of love that suffocates a person, not the kind of love that lifts you up. I feel sorry for the OP that she can't see that and isn't wiling to change, but she absolutely brought this on herself and continues to try to justify her actions. Now it seems to be spreading out and affecting her other relationships, including her DH. I sincerely hope she checks herself before it ruins that relationship, and I hope she doesn't rule her children if/when she has them with the same heavy hand she tried to rule her sister with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years I tried to keep up a relationship with the needy sibling. She always wanted more from me. More visits, more money, more from our parents. I finally realized that no matter how much I gave, it would never be enough. I haven't really cut her off, I just stopped calling. If she calls me, I talk to her for a little bit until she starts to whine, then I find there's something else that demands my attention.

That can work for a while, but once she figures out what's going on, she may just stop calling you. Will you be okay with that?

My friend's sister did pretty much the same thing- never called and when certain subjects came up, she'd suddenly have to get off the phone. It took a little while, but my friend figured out what she was doing and saw it as controlling on the sister's part and decided she didn't want to be treated that way. She then stopped calling her sister. The sister wasn't happy about it, but my friend just wants to stay uninvolved with the sister for a while. She says she actually feels better not having to walk on eggshells around her sister and figures it might be good to have a little space between them for a time.

NP.

I had a similar situation. I've blocked my sisters phone number so there is no way she can call me. For me cut off means I'm done for good.

[Anonymous]

wow you people are harsh - i feel bad for OP. I would be shattered if my sibling cut me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are harsh - i feel bad for OP. I would be shattered if my sibling cut me off.

You should read all of OP's previous threads before saying anything about us and our responses. Her sister is completely justified and OP only presents a partial story when she makes new posts and one that hides the details of what she has done to cause the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are harsh - i feel bad for OP. I would be shattered if my sibling cut me off.

You should read all of OP's previous threads before saying anything about us and our responses. Her sister is completely justified and OP only presents a partial story when she makes new posts and one that hides the details of what she has done to cause the situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Can someone post a link to past threads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone post a link to past threads?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/562856.page

[Anonymous]

yeah, I'm bored today. Post those links!

For the record, I've cut off a sibling. I'm under no illusions about OP. I really am just bored and looking for some fun reading material.