Sister absolutely despises me
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Anonymous
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I'm the poster who has written in the past about having a younger muslim sister who is secretly dating a white guy without my family knowing or approving. Since the discovery, I have told her that I do not necessarily support her choices but I don't want to hinder her romance so I decided not to get involved in her love life and haven't been in touch with her for 4 months. I have reached out since to ask if she's okay and if she wants to get together but she has consistently ignored my calls and refused to meet or engage with me.She has blocked me from social media and so have her friends and her cutting me off has hurt me deeply. Last night, I went to visit her after 4 months of her not speaking to me. It was a nightmare. She started screaming, yelling and crying about how I am a terrible person and how she always felt stepped upon by me. She says she has been absolutely miserable in my company and how all she had been praying for was to get away from me and disengage herself from me. She wants nothing to do with me and will never forgive me for what I have done to her. I was flabbergasted and asked her what my crimes were and if my offense was not approving of her secret boyfriend.
She said it wasn't about the boyfriend but little stuff. How When we'd go to Chick fil a and she'd order a salad, I would ask, "why are you getting a salad?" I was so confused and told her it was because you go to Chick fil a to eat a burger and fries, not a salad and it was just a question. Another example she provided was of a few summers ago when she randomly started running and apparently I asked her, "why do you want to start running?" I responded by explaining that as someone who wasn't athletic, I was curious about why she had suddenly taken up running. Was it because of weight loss? Training for a marathon? Physical health? She groaned and said I do not get her and I never get it and I obviously hate her so she hates me and never wants to see my face again. Our relationship is over and she never wants me in her life again. I spent the night crying my eyes out due to her vicious character assassination. What can I even do? p.s. We are Kuwaiti immigrants so the boy-issue has to do with our family not approving of it. |
Anonymous
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You do nothing and wait. She may eventually need you or want a relationship with you - but until then nothing.
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Anonymous
| You may think it's an innocent question, but younger siblings can be super-sensitive to implied disapproval. When you ask questions about her choices, it feels like you are questioning her judgment. |
Anonymous
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Hugs OP, that sounds very tough.
Listen, you need to give her the space she needs. It sounds like she feels like she has always been in your shadow. It doesn't matter if she actually was in your shadow-- it matters that she FEELS like she was and those feelings are very painful to her. She has to sort this out on her own as she grows and matures. Really, this isn't about you, it's about her. I suggest you write her a letter, telling her you love her, telling her you will always be there for her and telling her that when she is open to rebuilding a relationship with you, you will be there to answer the call. And then let her go. She'll come back to you eventually, when she is ready. |
Anonymous
| You've spent years questioning and judging what she does. You have to expect it could take a long time for her to let you in again. |
Anonymous
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Honestly with your chronic posts, disapproval, criticism, tattling, and all around negativity, I don't blame your sister. To you it may not seem like much, but clearly to a lot of people reading your posts, you sound obsessed with your your sister and needlessly critical. Maybe it's temporary, but leave her alone. She wants and needs distance from you for a good reason.
Why did you go visit her, knowing she does not want to see you? It sounds like you're bored with your life - leave your sister alone and try and live your own life. Maybe time will allow wounds to heal. Maybe time will allow you to grow up and stop being so involved with your sister's life. But as a younger sister myself, also as someone who comes from a Muslim family, you need to drop it. Leave your sister alone. Go find your own life. |
Anonymous
| I do think it's odd that you seem to question her daily choices. Nobody wants to have to answer an onslaught of questions about insignificant daily choices. If she orders a salad, it's because she wants a salad. If she takes up running, it's because she wants to run. I can definitely see why she wants some space. And unless her boyfriend is abusive, there's no reason to question that choice either. Leave her alone, you are not her keeper. |
Anonymous
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If you are just showing up without her consent or agreeing to meet you, that's another notch in your disrespect/disapproval of your sister's decisions.
Your sister despises you because you clearly have a pattern of not respecting her decisions. She's a grownup. She can make her own choices without you trying to correct her. |
Anonymous
| I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time. |
Anonymous
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There is more to this than you asking why she's eating a salad at Chick fil a instead of the tasty chicken sandwich and fries that you are eating.
I get the impression that she feels constantly judged by you. And that is unpleasant for her. She doesn't have to explain why she's eating a damn salad. Learn that not every thought in your head needs to be voiced. |
Anonymous
| I know you think this is not about the boyfriend, but it's entirely about the boyfriend. Why did she order a salad? Is it because of the boyfriend? Why did she take up running? Is it because of the boyfriend? Why won't she talk to me? Is it because of the boyfriend? You say you're not asking about the boyfriend, but you are. |
Anonymous
This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person. You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such. I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me. |
Anonymous
The salad incident and the running incident, if I recall correctly were 2 years apart and 2 years before the BF. |
Anonymous
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You abandoned her for 4 months when she started dating a white person. You have told her you don't support that choice. You also sound judgmental, controlling, and clueless.
I think you need therapy. If you can't see how you're at fault here, you need professional help. |
Anonymous
| ^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable. |