Have I been emotionally abusive to my little sister all these years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you said a lot more hurtful things than you realize, a lot more often than you realize.

It's good that you feel badly. I think we have no way of knowing what really happened. But my advice would be to give her the space she needs, and at some point this summer write her a letter (not an email) saying something like "Dear Stacey, I thought what happened between us was normal sibling rivalry, and feel awful that you view it differently. I am so sorry that I hurt you so deeply when we were kids. I really want to have a good relationship with you as adults. Please let me know what I can do to going forward. Love, Lacey"

I was thinking exactly the same.

Omg like everyone on the face of the earth. Are you people only children or what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

OMG, you are the most vile and hateful poster on dcum. I'm sick to death of YOUR posts about her sister!! Leave this poor woman alone! If she is that poster, it sounds like you've had your chance to make comments. Now just shut up and let her get some perspective from someone else.


OP, your sister sounds very immature. Hopefully when she matures she'll realize how common those things are and be able to forgive you and even laugh about it. It may take a few years, though, so hang in there. A lot of people are mean as kids and turn into well adjusted, kind adults. Maybe you can apologize, add that you were just a kid then yourself, and then just keep your distance and wait for her to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Why is it that so many are assuming that op is the problem and that that her sister is an immature loon? Are many of you harboring crazy grievances against your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Yeah it sounds like pretty normal sibling rivalry to me but how do you guys get long as adults? In some families siblings will grow up with they will resume the same dynamics when they're together as adults. If you are bullying her as an adult maybe that's why she wants to cut you off


I think a genuine apology is in order and not one of those I'm sorry you feel that way like BS but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it sounds like pretty normal sibling rivalry to me but how do you guys get long as adults? In some families siblings will grow up with they will resume the same dynamics when they're together as adults. If you are bullying her as an adult maybe that's why she wants to cut you off


I think a genuine apology is in order and not one of those I'm sorry you feel that way like BS but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings as a kid.

Or maybe the little sister is just freaking nuts, needs to grow up and quit harboring childish grievances from childhood.

[Anonymous]

Unless you're leaving out stuff, it's almost like you wrote up the most stereotypical sibling relationship possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

+1
I bet it's that poster and if it is clearly no advice here will help her.

[Anonymous]

^ whoa it does sound like that same poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

OMG, you are the most vile and hateful poster on dcum. I'm sick to death of YOUR posts about her sister!! Leave this poor woman alone! If she is that poster, it sounds like you've had your chance to make comments. Now just shut up and let her get some perspective from someone else.

OP, your sister sounds very immature. Hopefully when she matures she'll realize how common those things are and be able to forgive you and even laugh about it. It may take a few years, though, so hang in there. A lot of people are mean as kids and turn into well adjusted, kind adults. Maybe you can apologize, add that you were just a kid then yourself, and then just keep your distance and wait for her to grow up.

NP here - your insults are completely uncalled for, PP. Or are you maybe OP and did this poster hit a nerve???

[Anonymous]

Have you ever tried to talk to your sister and found out specific examples? Because in some ways, your version of history doesn't makes sense. You were thin, sick, shy and she was the social one, but she always wanted to hang out with your friends?

I think we remember things through a filter. If you really want to understand why your sister is upset, I'd have a serious conversation with her. Or at least tell her you are sorry if you acted a certain way, you cannot change the past, but when she is ready you would like to work on your future relationship.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your sister and get specifics. She didn't cut you off for barbie dolls. When you talk to her, just listen. Don't be defensive or offer explanations. Just say, "thank you for telling me" over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

+1
I bet it's that poster and if it is clearly no advice here will help her.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that so many are assuming that op is the problem and that that her sister is an immature loon? Are many of you harboring crazy grievances against your siblings?

We are assuming it is the OP because if they actually had a normal sibling relationship and her sibling came to her and said, "Your behavior towards me over our entire life is so hurtful that I can't see you anymore," then the normal response would be hurt, sadness and confusion, not apathy, self-justification and blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it sounds like pretty normal sibling rivalry to me but how do you guys get long as adults? In some families siblings will grow up with they will resume the same dynamics when they're together as adults. If you are bullying her as an adult maybe that's why she wants to cut you off


I think a genuine apology is in order and not one of those I'm sorry you feel that way like BS but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings as a kid.

Or maybe the little sister is just freaking nuts, needs to grow up and quit harboring childish grievances from childhood.

I'm a NP, but why wouldn't a genuine apology be in order, regardless? I have a NPD BIL and although 90% of the BS in our relationship is from his side, I still feel bad, as I should, about the things I did less-than-perfectly, or even poorly. I am willing to own up to them. I have to take care not to beat myself up for them, nor to let him beat me up, but I did wrong, and I do feel contrite, as I should. I'm not afraid to give him an inch on those things.

OP, this is a tough one. Without re-reading your post 100x, I don't see clear red flags one way or the other. Rarely do these things come out of left field-- they usually only seem to when the person being cut off is oblivious and has a personality disorder or something. Yet, you do seem to feel bad, to empathize-- which is something, for example, my BIL would never really do. Through my lens of dealing with NPD lately (which may be the wrong one), I think the major possibilities are these, with overlap:

-She has a PD or substance abuse problem, etc.
-You have a PD or substance abuse problem, etc.
-Your parent(s) have a PD, and you have "FLEAS" and she is in the process of cutting off a lot of family.
-Your parent(s) have a PD, and SHE was the Golden Child (she could have a PD or FLEAS), you (who were the Scapegoat) distanced yourself from family, and since they pick on her more in your absence, she is seeing the bad side of them and needs someone to SG again.

I don't think her statements can be chalked up to "immaturity," although if she's under 30, we're all more self-centered then, so it could be a factor IMO.

You don't sound like you're the problem/sole problem, BUT I could see my NPD BIL posting something similar, like, "Well, I was a little mean to [DH] growing up, but nothing he should cut me off for!" When, in fact-- although they have always existed-- the issues are much more about what he's been doing to DH in the past few years. But he wouldn't see it.

[Anonymous]

You probably said hurtful things, but you were also a child. If it was getting out of hand, it was your parents' job to shield your sister from any "emotional abuse" you would have been imposing upon her. As a child, you could not have been responsible for that.

Of course, it's normal to feel guilty looking back as you were the one who said and did those things and now you understand how hurtful they were, but if you were not corrected and disciplined for that, then you should forgive yourself.

I realize none of this helps you with your current situation with your sister, but I'm assuming she doesn't have kids? Since becoming a parent, a lot of the guilt I felt over the things I did as a child or a young teen have gone away as I now understand how those things only came to be because my parents set up a bit of a "lord of the flies" dynamic at home by insisting that they can't control what we do to ourselves or to each other. They're the ones who set the parameters for home life and in this area, they fell short, no matter how good their intentions.