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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]When do you actually care what he thinks?  About what?[/b]

OP here. I care that he is a good father, responsible adult and a polite enough companion. I don't put up with disrespect, but I also have a very different line of what that is now. It's sort of like this -- if you can't talk to a coworker like this -- at least give me that minimum courtesy. I also looked at a lot of stuff and realized I just didn't care. I didn't need him to compliment a dinner I made that I loved. The fact that I loved it was enough. Who cares what he thinks. If he likes it, great. If not, it's too bad for him. It's things like that. I had a strong sense that I needed to keep my husband happy and pleased, which is impossible. No one can make another person happy. We can enjoy each other, but your bad day is your problem. Similarly, my husband is a bit of a complainer. I spent a lot of time trying solutions and worrying what he thought. Now, I just don't care if he doesn't like something or thinks the house is a mess or hates his job. He's a grown up and fix his own stuff. Find a new job. Eat something else. Clean up instead of talking about cleaning.

It was a huge reset because the time I spent being angry or hurt took up a lot of space. When they left, there was room for both of us to pursue our happiness within the bounds of reasonableness (common courtesy, etc).

[b]What kinds of decisions did you make consulting him before that you don't now?  [/b]

I ran everything by him. I still tell him things, but if it's not a major thing, I tend to just do that. For example, I am making dinner. If he doesn't like it, he is free to do whatever he likes. I'm a decent cook and he will most likely eat whatever I'm making. I'm not going to sit around and wait for a thank you. Ironically, when I stopped fishing for validation, I started getting it more and more. He's actually a much better spouse now that I stopped giving a shit about what he thinks most of the time.

[b]Do you have sex now?  [/b]

Mornings. Usually once or two a week depending on things.

[b]Are you worried DH has or will have an affair?
[/b]

No. I don't think it's really in the cards but who knows. If he had an affair, I'd probably have a different approach to the whole thing. The bedrock of my marriage is basic politeness. Like the kind you would extend a coworker. I've actually said that to him and he had an ah ha of his own. 
More questions to come.  Again, thank you.  If my marriage is going to be saved, this is the road to continue to go down.
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2nd poster here.  When it comes to my husband, he is indecisive and gets his feelings hurt if I don't let him in on every damn decision. I still discuss big decisions with him or if they involve him (like when to make an appointment for the kids that he has to field).  If it is something that needs to get done reliably, I do it.  I let stuff fall that I don't care about.  If he cares, he can do it.  That way, I am not the catch all/do it all girl that I used to be.  If I did it all, he wouldn't do any of it.  If there is a task I think he can do and take it off my plate, I'll hand it to him, but it better be something I don't care about not getting done my way.  I have learned to accept he'll do things his way, I'll do things mine.

When I don't care, I make him decide.  Dude, if you have an opinion on what's for dinner, then decide. Do not wait for me to tell you what to make.  I don't care.  The kids will eat PB&J and I'll graze.  I do not make dinner except on rare occasions.  I already do most of breakfast and lunch 7 days a week and got tired of never getting a thank you for and having him load garlic salt onto the food I cooked.

As for 3am, I get frustrated only when it comes to the next night when he is snoozing on the couch at the kids bed time.  I travel a lot, and he has a nasty habit of not participating in bedtime when I am home.  If he doesn't want to participate, OK, but I also don't let him dabble.  Get out of the way if you aren't going to be helpful.  I think he would be a different person with more sleep, but I gave up fighting that battle a long time ago.  I can't win it.  He tends to fall asleep on the couch watching TV.

Sex, interesting question.  Sadly, when I let go of being mad, I let go of trying to have sex regularly. I always had more libido than he did.  Now it's reverse, but I don't care.  Maybe it's menopause.  Maybe it's just being too damn tired to care.  Maybe I needed sex for validation, and now I don't need the validation.  Who knows.  He doesn't get sex because I am fast asleep when he comes to bed.  If he wanted sex, he'd come to bed.

I agree with the PP.  I spent too much time trying to stay ahead of DH's criticism's when the kids were young.  I find that validation in knowing I've done my best.  I do still get disappointed when I don't get a thank you for foregoing a trip with the kids to stay home and scrub the house for a full two days, only to get a smirk and shrug for him.  I haven't done that kind of cleaning since.

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