Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Mine actually wanted me to be a SAHM. Children change your priorities. Ours is to have one parent at home. No one will care about your baby as much as you do OP. That is not a slam on parents who work and hire childcare, it's just the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

I would feel basically the same way but I also don't make anywhere near what your husband does so my view is going to be skewed (i.e. I would be unhappy grinding away at work without having a spouse to contribute financially). However, I think you're going to have a hard time getting the answers you're looking for because you're in a very unique situation insofar as your husband makes a ton of money. Concurrently with that salary may come a lot of hours/responsibilities such that you staying home makes sense. Alternatively, maybe he hates his job and wants to rapidly save so that he can downshift to a job with more reasonable (hours, expectations, something he enjoys, etc.).

[Anonymous]

My dh is happy that I sah, but we discussed it when we were dating. Also, I manage the money so I worry when things are tight, he doesn't. Since he brought it up before, it sounds like he'll be open to it.

Also know it doesn't have to be permanent. I have a lot of friends who went back to work when the kids were older, either part or full time. At that hhi, it doesn't make sense for you to go back to work right away if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

He's your husband. You should bring the subject up and see how he reacts.

I wanted desperately to be a SAHM when our first was born. DH was still in residency and I was the breadwinner so I had to go back to work. I kept working until DH earned high six figures. He now earns $1m+ and is glad I am home raising our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

I want to spend time with my child? That's not a good enough reason? I've been going through the motions of comparing a nanny vs. daycare (we have our name down for a couple) and I just really feel like I want to do this stuff myself. I want to do the mommy and me classes and take her to the park, etc. I want to spend long afternoons at the splash pad. I don't want to hire someone else to have all the fun with MY daughter when I could do it myself.

I'm the PP you responded to. Again, I was only stating my opinion that I would not react well, but I was also upfront that I did not want a SAHM. What discussions did you and your husband have about this prior to marriage, if any? He clearly makes the income to support a household, I'm just curious if he ever made his personal feelings known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 6 months pregnant with our first child. I want to tell my husband that I am seriously considering quitting my job for a while to SAHM. I'm nervous about his reaction. We met in college and he's always known me as a hard working, ambitious person. But lately I've felt myself changing and not caring about work and promotions like I used to. I'm curious about what you thought if your wife went through something similar. FWIW, I'm not going to say that money is "no" issue but it's less of an issue. DH out earns me by a lot and makes enough to maintain a nice lifestyle in this area (he makes around $650-750k).

We talked about it once in the past and he said he'd be fine with whatever but back then I used to scorn SAHMs and totally scoffed. So I'm also kind of eating crow here too.

That's what this is about.
You aren't nervous about your husband's reaction you're too prideful to admit that your attitudes and assessments prior to being a mother yourself were totally ignorant and unjustified.
Stay at home and try not to beat yourself up about how much of a judgemental jackass you used to be.

[Anonymous]

Not happy. I didn't think being home full time was really the issue. We both had good paying jobs with predictable hours. (8-4). The kids went to full time Montessori school and were thriving. We had a weekly cleaner and honestly in terms of the day to day details, I actually did more managing of our lives because my job was more flexible and easy than hers. I did all of the sick days, doctor visits, planning, etc. Yes, we were busy, but I felt very content.

I actually gave in and agreed that she should try to take some time off and it didn't help. But my wife didn't want to pull the kids out of full-time Montessori school, wanted to keep the same lifestyle in terms of expenses and refused to down size, etc. It was magical thinking because she hated her job and wanted a graceful out. She also admitted she felt trapped by the demands on her time, attention, lost in terms of what she wanted for her life etc. She was STILL depressed and now felt useless. I encouraged therapy and even offered to go with her. She refused.

Finally, she just left. I walked in the door with the kids and there was a note that said she regretted every having children and being married and being tied down and that was it. From what I can gather from my former in-laws, she lives in Asia and basically started over. Our kids were 2, 4, 6. That was 12 years ago. My oldest left for college last month. She missed everything.

Anyway, didn't want to go dark, but I think being home can be a great thing. I would approach it in a more healthy way and really think about the role in terms of the family and in terms of yourself. I would make a financial plan and would think through issues like insurance, etc. If it makes sense, then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Have you two talked about what his role would be post baby? Jobs with high salaries usually require long hours. Maybe he wants to downshift to a normal 9-5 job or even go part time. In that case, you becoming a sahm might result in lifestyle sacrifices he's not comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

I want to spend time with my child? That's not a good enough reason?

Not really, no. Your husband could say the same thing but I guarantee you'd feel much differently about the situation if he wanted to stay home. Changing your mind out of the blue breaks the contract you agreed to when you got together. Focus changes, not entire priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We talked about it while we were still dating. We k ew we were headed towards marriage. I made about 160k at the time I had a baby, leaving my career was great for me and for us. After 9 years at home raising 3 kids I recently got a job offer - we both still want me at home. I feel/felt exactly like you re: wanting to be around my own children full time. Money/resources weren't an issue for us.

Similar. SAHM for 15 years. Discussed when we were dating and engaged. Qualified for our first house on his salary, banked my significantly smaller salary for savings and daily living until DC born almost two years after marriage.

Full disclosure: I have wanted to be a SAHM since I could remember. I was babysitting at 12, daycare assistant as young teen, summer nanny through college. Call me old fashioned, but I would not have married someone who couldn't support my intensely personal dreams and goals. We now have 4 DCS and I'm heading back p/t this year.

[Anonymous]

Hey there - I am a SAHM, undergrad/grad degree from a top tier school (like top 5), and wanted to stay at home since I met my husband in my 20's. Back then, we were barely making enough to do this. But, he knew that was a preference on my part. I worked while my husband was in grad school, and then part time with our first. I started SAHM when my 2nd was born.

This is how I felt about the decision (and don't presume it's the way everyone feels about it):

Life is long. I can work when they are a bit older (I'm in a career that will allow that). My mom stayed at home and I loved it, and I felt like it was truly wonderful to come home to a house with a parent in it.

I have some pangs of regret when I go to alumni conferences and everyone is doing something amazing AND raising children. But I get over it. I am involved on a non-profit Board and volunteer for my alma mater. I think the thing is you have a persona tied to your career/intelligence (like I did), and it's hard to lose that, and more significantly, it's hard to have your DH lose that opinion of you.

But, if you keep up - read books, go to conferences that interest you, volunteer when you can (you certainly can afford a sitter here and there), then you'll keep up both your individual identity and be a mom to your baby.

I agree with others that you might want to wait to see how life is with a baby. You may WANT to leave him depending on his personality and your post-partum time. And, I don't think it's necessary to prep him before you decide, because all of us change after we have babies.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

I want to spend time with my child? That's not a good enough reason? I've been going through the motions of comparing a nanny vs. daycare (we have our name down for a couple) and I just really feel like I want to do this stuff myself. I want to do the mommy and me classes and take her to the park, etc. I want to spend long afternoons at the splash pad. I don't want to hire someone else to have all the fun with MY daughter when I could do it myself.

Yes you are the only important parent in that household. What if the father had the same responses. He wants to do Daddy and me classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

I want to spend time with my child? That's not a good enough reason? I've been going through the motions of comparing a nanny vs. daycare (we have our name down for a couple) and I just really feel like I want to do this stuff myself. I want to do the mommy and me classes and take her to the park, etc. I want to spend long afternoons at the splash pad. I don't want to hire someone else to have all the fun with MY daughter when I could do it myself.

Yes you are the only important parent in that household. What if the father had the same responses. He wants to do Daddy and me classes.

Most men don't have this desire.

Second, most children prefer their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

I want to spend time with my child? That's not a good enough reason? I've been going through the motions of comparing a nanny vs. daycare (we have our name down for a couple) and I just really feel like I want to do this stuff myself. I want to do the mommy and me classes and take her to the park, etc. I want to spend long afternoons at the splash pad. I don't want to hire someone else to have all the fun with MY daughter when I could do it myself.

Yes you are the only important parent in that household. What if the father had the same responses. He wants to do Daddy and me classes.

My DH had taken plenty of classes with our kids. Evenings and weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you two talked about what his role would be post baby? Jobs with high salaries usually require long hours. Maybe he wants to downshift to a normal 9-5 job or even go part time. In that case, you becoming a sahm might result in lifestyle sacrifices he's not comfortable with.

No he doesn't want to do that and has never mentioned it. If anything, he has been pushing harder lately at certain projects.