Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, real life man here with a very educated SAHM. Want me to clue you in on what the men REALLY think? I mean, are you really ready to know the truth of what men feel about this when we are out having drinks and its unfiltered conversation??[u] I am in a field where the average pay for men in early to late 30s when the babies come is 125-250k. My rough guess is about 3/4th of our wives SAH after kids, and 1/4th continued to work .

Here's the truth: It doesn't really come up. Seriously. The men with SAH never really complain about it. If anything, we occasionally comment something like "it's nice having a SAH so I don't have to worry about rushing home." The men with dual incomes? They might comment that it's nice to have two incomes. The men with two working parents don't look up or down on those with one income and vice versa.

Want to know what we talk about? Sports, the hot girl from accounting, the lack of sex in the early childhood years. Work, occasionally the kids. And the hot girl from accounting.

My point - just talk to your husband. Most men are going to be fine with whatever works for the family. Since your husband makes big coin, either option is going to work for your family.

Woman here, but I believe this is true. In fact, I really wouldn't put all that much weight in what your husband says if it is really different from what you want to do. Why spend most of your waking hours doing something for someone who doesn't much care one way or another?

[Anonymous]

Do you promise to keep your BMI <25? And a princess outside the home while something else inside? Deal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't say I'd react well, but I also don't make nearly what your husband does (six figures, but not close to his numbers). However, I was pretty upfront that I was not the sort of husband who wanted to be a sole support to my wife, that I wanted a two income household, etc. I'd be pretty annoyed if my wife decided she didn't want to work anymore, without any really good reason, which I haven't seen you give.

Did you outsource the primary caring of your babies? Who did that job?

Yet if your wife did it, she wouldn't be "working"? Wtf.

[Anonymous]

It was a total non-event when my wife, who was a lawyer, said she wanted to stay at home. I was making 140k at the time. It was more than enough.

For me, I never cared whether my wife would SAH or work, it just came up during her maternity leave, when the kid was 2 months. She said "I want to stay home for a while.' "Ok, great" I said. Her career choices were a total non-factor in my attraction to her and still are. I just want her to be happy. Men have the saying - if mama aint happy aint nobody happy. Which is true.

[Anonymous]

To each their own, but I could not respect or be attracted to a woman without ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To each their own, but I could not respect or be attracted to a woman without ambition.

No way a man wrote this. Perhaps there are men that respect ambitious women more, but attraction?

[Anonymous]

I left to SAH when I made about $95k. He made many multiples of that. So, at least 1/2 of my income would go to taxes. We decided that it would be more valuable to have me home with the kids and have no drop off/pickup, be able to be at the house for service people, take the cars to the shop, do all the grocery shopping, dry cleaners, kids appointments and cooking than the extra $45,000. It makes his life much easier since he can come home and be with the kids Cs running errands all weekend.
It works for us, I'll probably do something once the youngest is in school, but it won't be a full time job.
I would just tell him it's something that you are thinking of. He's told you he's supportive of it, and it will make his life much easier. Not all men resent their wives for staying home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

700K is ducking robbery. What the heck do these people do?

Regardless, quit your job and work in charity, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not happy. I didn't think being home full time was really the issue. We both had good paying jobs with predictable hours. (8-4). The kids went to full time Montessori school and were thriving. We had a weekly cleaner and honestly in terms of the day to day details, I actually did more managing of our lives because my job was more flexible and easy than hers. I did all of the sick days, doctor visits, planning, etc. Yes, we were busy, but I felt very content.

I actually gave in and agreed that she should try to take some time off and it didn't help. But my wife didn't want to pull the kids out of full-time Montessori school, wanted to keep the same lifestyle in terms of expenses and refused to down size, etc. It was magical thinking because she hated her job and wanted a graceful out. She also admitted she felt trapped by the demands on her time, attention, lost in terms of what she wanted for her life etc. She was STILL depressed and now felt useless. I encouraged therapy and even offered to go with her. She refused.

Finally, she just left. I walked in the door with the kids and there was a note that said she regretted every having children and being married and being tied down and that was it. From what I can gather from my former in-laws, she lives in Asia and basically started over. Our kids were 2, 4, 6. That was 12 years ago. My oldest left for college last month. She missed everything.

Anyway, didn't want to go dark, but I think being home can be a great thing. I would approach it in a more healthy way and really think about the role in terms of the family and in terms of yourself. I would make a financial plan and would think through issues like insurance, etc. If it makes sense, then go for it.

There was a female poster who posted this exact same story about her husband, regretting having children and then taking off for Thailand and never taking part in his children's lives.