No Good Deed Goes Unpunished - surprise party edition

[Anonymous]

Ugh, sorry OP! My mom is the same. So frustrating!!!

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to just keep the party going as planned, and do your best to get through it.

But I will say that I am a socially self conscious person, maybe socially anxious is a better word, and would hate a surprise party. It's not "keeping up with the Joneses", but I wouldn't like to show up to a situation I wasn't aware of. I am also really nervous and stressed throwing parties.
I've always been like this, and my husband knows to never throw me a surprise party.
Just wanted to throw it out there that she may be genuinely nervous and anxious

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I'm sorry that you feel that way, PP.

My Mom has told us many times that she wanted to have a surprise party. She likes the attention very much. It's not the surprise part of it that she's struggling with. It's more that now that she knows about it, she wants everything to be her idea and she's really trying to put on a show for he friends. She's asked me several times who's coming and we've not told her - at least that part of it can remain a surprise.

I went out of my way to contact some old friends of hers that she's active with on Facebook to get their contact information and invite them. People she hasn't seen in a while and would love to see are coming to celebrate her, along with out of town extended family members. A lot of people are making a big effort here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so frustrated and really need to vent.

My father and I have been planning a surprise 70th birthday party for my Mom. We have booked the place, the invitations have been sent, RSVPs are in and we are now working on selecting the food. We have close to 40 people attending.

Mom found out about the party (a friend slipped and told her) and ever since she has been driving us crazy. She hates the restaurant we chose (though she's never been there) and has repeatedly asked to switch the party to this completely pretentious, expensive restaurant she knows about (I'm told we don't have the budget to have this big of a party at that place), she's been grilling us about the guest list, she's been grilling us about if we have a private room, what the room will be set up like, she's been complaining that she doesn't like the food options and doesn't want a limited menu (wants everyone to be able to order from the restaurant's full menu).

It's to the point now where I'm pissed and feel like she's acting totally outrageously and is unappreciative of our work to put together a really fun party for her.

I called her out on it yesterday and asked her what the problem was which led to a big fight. She is now mad at ME and saying that we aren't taking her preferences into account. That we are going to embarrass her with a bad party (She's very much a "keeping up with the Joneses" type who's always worried about what people will think - it's supremely irritating). I told her that it was meant to be a surprise party and we can't change all the details of the party after the invitations are out and all the RSVPs are in. Incredibly, I had to explain to her why restaurants prefer to do a limited menu for a large group like this.

Ultimately, I am now the bad guy who had ruined this party for her. I told her that I was done working on it. My Dad will have to figure it out (though I know he's mad and doesn't want to work on it anymore now too).

I'm dealing with someone with extreme anxiety, issues with keeping up certain appearances and while I know that what we have put together will be a really nice and fun evening to celebrate her, there has been absolutely no appreciation of all the work that's been done and acknowledgement of what we were trying to do for her.

At this point I don't even want to go to the party - we have to travel to get there. I will, and I'll stick a smile on my face and I'll be happy to see the friends and other family members that will be there, but I'm so sad that I have a Mom like this who can never let anything be enjoyable.

May she suffer the pain of 1000 paper cuts. I hate when people do that!

[Anonymous]

I'd go ahead with the party at this stage and she'll just have to grin and bear it too and attempt to be gracious.

But OP you have to know who you're dealing with. My mother isn't a keeping up with the Joneses type, but she has *very* specific preferences for everything under the sun so my sister and I knew it would make no sense to plan a party for her or she'd try to either cancel it or take over the planning.

Just push on forward and consider it a lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Yeah - lesson definitely learned.

I offered to connect her with the restaurant so she could select the food and set-up options to fit her preferences, but she refused saying that she's not planning her own party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - lesson definitely learned.

I offered to connect her with the restaurant so she could select the food and set-up options to fit her preferences, but she refused saying that she's not planning her own party.

Well, there's the spit-take quote of the day.

I guess the only response is to say that either she plans the party or she doesn't. If she does, she does. If she doesn't, then there is nothing to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully the party date is coming quickly so you won't have to endure too much more from her. At the end of the night, tell your mom you can hardly wait to plan her 75th"! You are a good daughter--remember that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her she has two choices - she can either attend the party that you and your Dad have planned, or she can not attend.

+1
Tell her you are doing something you hope she will love and you look forward to a special time with her andher friends and family there. That you love her and think it will be great.

Rinse and repeat. You can also occasionally remind her that she can also plan whatever party she wants for herself -- there is no rule against her doing that. But I'd stick with the positive and keep it that way. And also stay out of touch with her. And that friend who let things slip. Was that person passive aggressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is being ridiculous of course and you may not get a thank you. Do what you can though to make it a nice party celebrating the person you love and expect no appreciation. That's not why you're doing it, is it?
This is a lesson though, learned too late for you to benefit from it now, but maybe it will help someone--do not throw a surprise party for a control freak who worries about appearances or someone who has anxiety. It is probably her worst nightmare.

+1 I would go ahead and just try to enjoy yourself while remembering that she is a person who suffers from terrible anxiety and doesn't manage it well. If you can, enjoy it, hope she enjoys it but if she's determined to suffer, let her do so. Remember, it's not personal. It's the crazy in her head that drives her to be this way.

But based on your description of your mom, I'd have to say that this wasn't a good idea and - sorry to be perverse about this but it makes me wonder if the surprise part wasn't in part an effort to make yourself feel good about this wonderful thing you're doing for your mom - who may not enjoy it at all. But, that said, I'm an anxious person who grew up with an anxious mom so I can relate. At this point you've got to go ahead with the party and not let her anxiety drive you crazy. And I can just imagine how it's driving you crazy. So sorry you have to go through this, OP, after you're trying to do this nice thing. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is being ridiculous of course and you may not get a thank you. Do what you can though to make it a nice party celebrating the person you love and expect no appreciation. That's not why you're doing it, is it?
This is a lesson though, learned too late for you to benefit from it now, but maybe it will help someone--do not throw a surprise party for a control freak who worries about appearances or someone who has anxiety. It is probably her worst nightmare.

+1 I would go ahead and just try to enjoy yourself while remembering that she is a person who suffers from terrible anxiety and doesn't manage it well. If you can, enjoy it, hope she enjoys it but if she's determined to suffer, let her do so. Remember, it's not personal. It's the crazy in her head that drives her to be this way.

But based on your description of your mom, I'd have to say that this wasn't a good idea and - sorry to be perverse about this but it makes me wonder if the surprise part wasn't in part an effort to make yourself feel good about this wonderful thing you're doing for your mom - who may not enjoy it at all. But, that said, I'm an anxious person who grew up with an anxious mom so I can relate. At this point you've got to go ahead with the party and not let her anxiety drive you crazy. And I can just imagine how it's driving you crazy. So sorry you have to go through this, OP, after you're trying to do this nice thing. Hang in there.

Okay, I just read your responses after this, OP. She sounds like she's impossible! My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

1. Disinvite the blabbermouth.

2. Warn your mom she's next.

Just kidding. Grin and bear it. Maybe fine one showy thing that isn't set in stone yet (flowers, cake, champagne choices?) and give her a couple options to choose from?

[Anonymous]

The surprise party was Dad's idea based upon conversations he supposedly had with Mom in the past about how she wanted a big party like this for her birthday.

If the friend hadn't blabbed she would have been surprised and it would have been exciting and fun.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you made all the changes she requested
That way the party is still a surprise,when she finds out that you did not!!
??

[Anonymous]

Tell Mom if she wishes you will cancel the party. She can then plan, and pay for, her own party. It's a shame she's so concerned with what others will think and unable to appreciate what you're doing for her. She doesn't seem concerned with what you or your father will think. I'm sorry she's taking this pleasure away from you.