No Good Deed Goes Unpunished - surprise party edition

[Anonymous]

I'm so frustrated and really need to vent.

My father and I have been planning a surprise 70th birthday party for my Mom. We have booked the place, the invitations have been sent, RSVPs are in and we are now working on selecting the food. We have close to 40 people attending.

Mom found out about the party (a friend slipped and told her) and ever since she has been driving us crazy. She hates the restaurant we chose (though she's never been there) and has repeatedly asked to switch the party to this completely pretentious, expensive restaurant she knows about (I'm told we don't have the budget to have this big of a party at that place), she's been grilling us about the guest list, she's been grilling us about if we have a private room, what the room will be set up like, she's been complaining that she doesn't like the food options and doesn't want a limited menu (wants everyone to be able to order from the restaurant's full menu).

It's to the point now where I'm pissed and feel like she's acting totally outrageously and is unappreciative of our work to put together a really fun party for her.

I called her out on it yesterday and asked her what the problem was which led to a big fight. She is now mad at ME and saying that we aren't taking her preferences into account. That we are going to embarrass her with a bad party (She's very much a "keeping up with the Joneses" type who's always worried about what people will think - it's supremely irritating). I told her that it was meant to be a surprise party and we can't change all the details of the party after the invitations are out and all the RSVPs are in. Incredibly, I had to explain to her why restaurants prefer to do a limited menu for a large group like this.

Ultimately, I am now the bad guy who had ruined this party for her. I told her that I was done working on it. My Dad will have to figure it out (though I know he's mad and doesn't want to work on it anymore now too).

I'm dealing with someone with extreme anxiety, issues with keeping up certain appearances and while I know that what we have put together will be a really nice and fun evening to celebrate her, there has been absolutely no appreciation of all the work that's been done and acknowledgement of what we were trying to do for her.

At this point I don't even want to go to the party - we have to travel to get there. I will, and I'll stick a smile on my face and I'll be happy to see the friends and other family members that will be there, but I'm so sad that I have a Mom like this who can never let anything be enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. People who try to do something "nice for you", but it's not what you want at all. Stop trying to force something that she doesn't want down her throat and listen to what she wants. I would be mortified if I was your mother in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Well, I see why you were planning a surprise version, op . I'm sorry you're dealing with that. On the plus side, it's good that you recognize that it comes from her anxiety.

I hope once the party happens and everything is great that she will calm down and be appreciative

[Anonymous]

Agree with 11:59, you need to follow your Mom's wishes, which probably means paring down the guest list. And folks might have to kick in something for the extra expenditures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of my biggest pet peeves. People who try to do something "nice for you", but it's not what you want at all. Stop trying to force something that she doesn't want down her throat and listen to what she wants. I would be mortified if I was your mother in this scenario.

Not op, but I think you're off-base here. This isn't like they're taking mom to the beach when she'd rather go to a museum. Mom's asking for a restaurant they can't afford, and asking for a full menu when that's not possible with a large party. There's nothing to "be mortified" over here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 11:59, you need to follow your Mom's wishes, which probably means paring down the guest list. And folks might have to kick in something for the extra expenditures.

That doesn't work after the invites are out.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that we didn't know she had these very particular preferences and she found out about the party after the invitations went out and all the guests RSVP'd.

So we should really cancel all the plans, and try to change to the other venue (if they even have availability, plus its a 40 minute drive from the original venue)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that we didn't know she had these very particular preferences and she found out about the party after the invitations went out and all the guests RSVP'd.

So we should really cancel all the plans, and try to change to the other venue (if they even have availability, plus its a 40 minute drive from the original venue)?

No. Have the party as planned. She's being foolish. Be careful about the advice you get on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that we didn't know she had these very particular preferences and she found out about the party after the invitations went out and all the guests RSVP'd.

So we should really cancel all the plans, and try to change to the other venue (if they even have availability, plus its a 40 minute drive from the original venue)?

No. Have the party as planned. She's being foolish. Be careful about the advice you get on DCUM.

+1

[Anonymous]

You should make the friend who slipped and told her take over all the planning. That'll teach her to keep her mouth shut in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that we didn't know she had these very particular preferences and she found out about the party after the invitations went out and all the guests RSVP'd.

So we should really cancel all the plans, and try to change to the other venue (if they even have availability, plus its a 40 minute drive from the original venue)?

No. Have the party as planned. She's being foolish. Be careful about the advice you get on DCUM.

+1

Meant to add, grin and bear it, as you plan to do, sounds like the best plan.

[Anonymous]

She is being ridiculous of course and you may not get a thank you. Do what you can though to make it a nice party celebrating the person you love and expect no appreciation. That's not why you're doing it, is it?
This is a lesson though, learned too late for you to benefit from it now, but maybe it will help someone--do not throw a surprise party for a control freak who worries about appearances or someone who has anxiety. It is probably her worst nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she has two choices - she can either attend the party that you and your Dad have planned, or she can not attend.

[Anonymous]

The only response to her asking about the party should have been "what party? I haven't been invited to any party!".

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can change things at this point. I'd probably tell mom that she can sit at home by herself while the rest of the family has a fun time!